Tag Archives: Blog

The Bitch Bible Gets Married (And Goes Psycho Like Me!)

June 22, 2017
by
LAURYN

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Two years ago I was combing through the Internet & stumbled upon Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible which provoked me to actually wake Michael from his slumber & tell him that this girl I randomly found was going to be a superstar comedian.

“Michael?” I ask, but really it’s an order, “you need to read this girl’s blog. She wrote Leo a suicide letter because he’s decided to marry Gisele Bündchen.”

::Michael stares at me like I’m psycho ( which I am )::

“Please just read it.”

::He reads::

::He laughs::

::Laughs again::

::Chuckles, grunts, points, grins::

Etc. You get it.

So ya, I guess the truth of the matter is I “met” Jackie by stalking her.

Wait, if you don’t know who Jackie is- do yourself a favor & subscribe to her podcast. It will really take you over the edge. You will pee your pants, cry laughing. She’s a hoot. Wanna stalk her even more? Please do. Read her blog.

( If you’re wondering: the Leo letter is signed with: “Worst of luck to both of you. My heart will not go on. You fucking let go Jack.” Sincerely, Jackie ).

Yes that is right, she’s pure comedy. She’s also very witty AND pretty. Oh, & also COOL. I like her a lot.

Anyway, Michael & I were guests on her podcast this week & we did a little ( LIGHT? CASUAL? TRADITIONAL? ) wedding recap. You know, what brides do. She recapped her recent wedding…& then we went into our psychotic wedding freak-out stories.

( You remember mine, right? SAVAGENESS. )

Michael was a part of the convo too & I feel like he was a bit…skittish? Oh well- sucks for him. I’ve been on her podcast too once before. So be sure to listen to both.

Now with that I’ll intro you to Jackie- get ready because she gets straight to the point.

+ Introduce yourself, tell us everything.

Hi! I’m Jackie Schimmel. Dog mother, perpetually constipated, dirty martini connoisseur, embellishment lover, and amateur “writer” & podcast host.

+ You’re a podcast queen; it’s a shitload harder than it looks. Tell us what goes into it.

It’s a lot of fucking work.

One of my biggest struggles initially was trying to figure out how to speak my mind without alienating large groups of people. Everyone & their gay brother has a podcast these days so it’s important to be unique and provide something different. I try to be mindful of who is listening, why they are listening and what will keep people listening. I try not to over think it and just say whatever the hell I want and hope I don’t get into trouble with my Human Resources department…or Legal.

+ Tell us about your blog— the content is hysterical.

I have always been a very overly opinionated person & started the blog to purge myself of really ridiculous feelings in essay form about Gwyneth Paltrow & kitten heels. It definitely represents the popular yet unpopular opinion. It’s incredibly aggressive and offensive but so authentic and funny ( complimenting myself #unlikeable ).

I am someone who has disproportionately intense reactions to insignificant things & the blog gave me the perfect portal to unleash my bitchy beast. I pride myself on saying what other people are thinking but have enough dignity not to say out loud or publish on the internet.

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+ I call Michael Susan when he’s acting up, coincidentally you call your husband ( Andrew ), Angela. How did he earn his name?

Angela is very particular. She pretends to know a lot about wine, gets photo facials, Keratin treatments, & is just generally worried about EVERYTHING. Angela has major anxiety issues and I just CAN’T WITH HER. Literally picking out a suit with him is like Sophie’s Choice.

I am obsessed with him and he is so cute I want to kill him but Angela needs to RELAX. I know that Angela is primarily my wrongdoing and I take accountability for that.

+ I know you talk about your wedding on the latest podcast but give us a sneak peak?

We got married this May in Palm Springs. We wanted somewhere close enough to make a quick trip but far enough to alienate distant relatives ( sorry ). We wanted it to feel like a vacation for our guests, like a bougie summer camp and Palm Springs is the perfect spot. I was super adamant about making it as fabulous and not overly bridey. I would have curb stomped somebody if I saw an inch of burlap or a mason jar. Our vibe was all white, acrylic, & flamboyant without anything frilly.

Like Liberace and Kanye West threw a party.

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+ Clearly you’re amazing at comedy, any tips for someone who wants to break into the comedy, podcast, blogger industry?

My best advice is to not filter yourself and never be too insular. Sharing private details helps people get to know you which is important, but you never want to bore people with the daily woes of your life. That’s too self-indulgent; people have diaries for a reason.

It’s like telling a table full of people about the dream you had the night before. No one gives a shit unless it relates to them personally. It’s so important to remember that if you want to make a business from comedy, ultimately you are providing entertainment and content not self-relief. Also remember that you are your best material. I think in order to make fun of anyone or anything you HAVE to make fun of yourself more, otherwise you seem bitter and hypocritical.

+ Couldn’t agree with you more. You look amazing. PLEASE TELL US YOUR SECRETS.

That’s very nice & very generous. I have spent years setting the bar low so that I can get a real reaction when I put slightly more effort into my appearance. I try to eat what I love, drink what I love ( moderately ), dress in clothes I love, surround myself with people who I love and I feel like that self-indulgence translates.

It’s so important to live moderately & find that balance of deprivation and going off the walls. I cook dinner Sun-Thurs so I can eat what I want and make small alterations so I don’t gain 450 lbs but still get my pasta because gluten feeds my soul.

And laugh…a lot, it’s so much cuter than crying. Happy people look better. It’s the truth.

+ You’re sent to a far off island, who are you bringing? Andrew ( husband ) or Leo ( dog/BF )?

Leo. No hesitation.

If he could afford me I’d voluntarily live on an island alone with him. I am obsessed with him. It takes all my self-control not to actually suffocate him because normal loving affection just isn’t enough, I want to be one flesh. It’s like platonic beastiality but not because he is basically a human.

He is so sexy it hurts my insides. Obsessed.

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+ Best beauty tip…ever?

I will be honest, I am no beauty guru. Lipgloss & mascara go a LONG way let me tell you. It sounds cliché but I truly believe less is more. I am so over the transforming make up trends, it’s too much work and such a bad export of time and energy. I think it’s more important to work on your canvas than the artwork so I NEVER fall asleep with makeup on and use tons of moisturizer.

Before you learn to bake your face ( what the hell IS that? ) learn how to stick to a great skin regimen. You don’t have to spend a fortune on products ( except eye cream ) just be vigilant with your routine. I would fall asleep in full body Spanx before falling asleep with one hint of makeup on. I also LIVE for rosewater you can spray pre or post makeup. It tones, hydrates and women in my family SWEAR by it.

( P.S. one of Jackie’s best kept skin secrets is a FACIAL STEAMER! ).

+ Best piece of advice you’ve ever received ( go crazy here ):

I am very selective with advice and only take it from a very selective group of people. I always say to be self-aware, listen to yourself ( because no one knows you/ wants better for you ) OR people who really know what they are talking about. I wouldn’t ask Helen Keller for outfit advice or MC Hammer to do my finances.

We need to pick and choose who we solicit for guidance & typically I would rather learn from people who have their shit together. I also think it is SO important for people to learn how to be alone. My source of sanity is solitude. If you don’t want to hang out with yourself why would anyone else? My best advice is to get to know yourself. Not in a dumb Eat, Pray, Love way but in a very honest way. Go to lunch alone, travel alone, shop alone. Also never wear a casual shoulder bag with a cocktail dress, you look like a pre-teen attending her first Bat Mitzvah.

Agreed, Jackie. See? Told ya, superstar comedian.

+ to keep up with Jackie, follow her: Instagram, Twitter, & podcast. She also has BITCH TEES. AND OF COURSE, listen the latest episode of The Bitch Bible where we get real about wedding breakdowns. She was also on TSC Podcast twice. Happy listening! x

the bitch bible | by the skinny confidential

BITCH BIBLE INSPIRED? YES PLZ:

How To Start A Blog

October 4, 2016
by
LAURYN

everything you need to know about how to start a blog | by the skinny confidential

Want to start a blog? I’ve got you covered.

About two years ago, my best friend & fashion blogger, Erica of Fashionlush, and I were having coffee & talking shop. We were both eating/sleeping/breathing blogging… but wanted to take it a step further. Erica’s a coder & I love branding — we wanted to bring everything together sort of?

So we created a little something called blog-doo.

& the blog making magic began. We offer various design packages to either help start you from scratch or give your existing blog a magical makeover. If you’re interested in working with us to get your blog up & running, you can learn more about the process here. If you have any questions — please feel free to reach out!

If you’re more of the DIY type… you’re in the right place! Today’s post will help all of you DIY-ers get on the road to blogging in the big leagues. Read on for a simple step-by-step guide to help get you started.

If, down the road you want to up your blogging game, blog-doo will still be here to help!

Ok so let’s get down & dirty with the first steps to getting your blog up & running. Erica & I wrote down everything you need to know below!

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PART I: THE IDEA

At this point, you probably have a name chosen, but take it a step further & formulate a plan. What are your top-level categories, lower-level categories, target audience, etc.

Nailing down these details with a small business plan will help you get an idea of how you want your blog to look, what you will be blogging about, & your audience.

PART II: WORDPRESS.COM VS. WORDPRESS.ORG

First of all, let’s talk WordPress. WordPress is your CMS ( content management system ). It’s where you will go to write posts and manage your content.

There are many content management systems out there (Blogger, Squarespace, WIX, etc.), but we are all about WordPress for those wanting to blog professionally.

There are two different WordPress sites to choose from: WordPress.com & WordPress.org. We ONLY recommend .org as it gives you more control over your site & has great features to give you the ability to evolve in the future.

WordPress.org seems scary to some because you gotta do some tech-y stuff all by yourself, but really, once I break it down for you, it will be a breeze.

PART III: DOMAIN & HOSTING

1. Choose a domain name: If you’re just starting out, we recommend you keep things as simple as possible and take advantage of the free domain name with Bluehost ( which is where you will be getting your hosting ). First, be sure to check if your domain name is available. If it’s not, try adding “blog” to the end, or go back to the drawing board.

2. Choose hosting: If you think of it like a house, your domain name is the land you are on, the hosting is the framework of the house, & WordPress is the furniture. So for the framework, you want something reliable & trustworthy. If your site goes down, you want a hosting company who can be on call at all hours to help figure out the issue. At blog-doo, we always recommend  Bluehost as they offer a combo of great pricing, speed, & amazing support. LOVE THIS HOST.

PART IV: HOW TO SET UP HOSTING & WORDPRESS

1. Head over to Bluehost & when you get to the site, hit that big green “GET STARTED” button. Easy enough.

2. Next, you will come to a page that asks you to choose your package. You’ll see three options – if you’re a beginner blogger, the ‘PLUS’ package is perfect. Hit select.

3. Sign up now! You will see two options: a “new domain” box and a “I already have a domain” box. If you bought your domain elsewhere, you would use the latter option. If you want to register through Bluehost to keep all your stuff in one place, register your new domain — which Bluehost offers you for free.

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4. Next, it will take you through the typical checkout information. First, it will ask for your account info, then it will ask you for your package info, which is where you will choose your account plan & add-ons ( check whichever ones you want – but typically we just recommend domain privacy! ). Then, it will ask you for your billing info. Easy enough.

5. You’re almost there! Set up your password & log in to your new hosting account. YES!

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6. Once you’re logged in, you will find your dashboard. The first thing we are gonna do is get WordPress installed! This is where things get kinda intimidating but trust me, follow these steps & photos and you’ll see, it’s very straightforward:

» in the dashboard, locate the icon that says “install wordpress” & click on that.

» next, it will take you to an install page where you will simply click the big green ‘start’ button.

» the next window will provide you with a drop down to choose the domain you are working with. If you only have one domain, you will only have one easy choice!

» lastly, you will be asked to name your blog & set up your login information.

** I RECOMMEND this hosting company if you’re starting out. Be specific when it comes to hosting.

7. OK, you’re all signed up. Now, head over to your email inbox & find a welcome letter that includes your login + a link to your WordPress dashboard (i.e. www.yoursite.com/wp-admin). Click this URL to be taken to your WordPress login page ( bookmark this link – you will visit it everyday! ). Log in & there you have it – your shiny new WordPress dashboard!

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PART V: DESIGN!

Ok, so you’ve got the bare bones of the blog set up, & you can definitely start blogging ( getting content up before launch is a great idea ), but you will need to figure out a design.

There are a few options here:

You can find a theme you like & buy it – there are tons of themes on Etsy & you can also search for themes on Pinterest. These themes are templates that you can customize with your logo & colors. This works for some people if they are just starting out, but if you are looking for a more original design…. that’s where a blog design company, like blog-doo, will come into play.

This may not be something you want to do right away as you’re feeling out the whole blogging thing, but down the road, a professional & original blog design is definitely the way to go. Whenever you’re ready – feel free to contact blog-doo & mention you read this post for a 10% off discount.

ALSOblog-doo will be launching an eBook shortly that will cover EVERYTHING you need to know about starting a blog, including ( but not limited to: branding basics, Google Analytics, case studies from brands, & SO MUCH MORE! ). We have been working on this eBook for months & we promise it will be a real game changer in your blogging career. If you want to know when the eBook is live, sign up for our newsletter ON THIS POST at the bottom!

For more info, scope blog-doo. Happy weekend!

lauryn x

BLOGGER BOSS VIBES:

Working On Your Business, Not In Your Business

October 4, 2016
by
LAURYN

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Well hello.

A little nude moment going on here.

You should know there’s nothing better than a nude dress, especially one that holds you in all the right places. This one is sexy but kind of professional at the same time.

Speaking of professional, let’s get professional & talk about business. My business, your business, any business.

It’s been a hot minute since we’ve discussed the subject & as promised from yesterday’s post, I told you we were sticking with the whole strategic future by design.

Like I’ve said, my friend Steve is a coach for CEOs.

Yes, that’s a thing & man, um HELLO – what a cool job right? Basically, he helps CEOs gain serious control over their calendars, time, & business. Steve has recently been REALLY helping me create a strategic business future by design.

& we’ve been discussing a very interesting topic that I wanted to share with YOU!…

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The subject is one Michael has discussed on the exclusive section of TSC App, but I wanted to go deeper, & of course, hear all of your opinions.

So: what’s the difference between working ON your business and working IN your business?

For me, I had to learn this the hard way. This wasn’t something I learned in school. I’ve learned it through experience as a business owner.

The difference is simple: working ON your business is building a game plan, creating a strategic future, & focusing energy towards main priorities.

Working IN your business is getting caught up in the day the day. The e-mails, the pointless conference calls, the things that can be delegated: tasks that are not essential to the growth of the business.

As Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook ( no big deal? ) says: “I spend more of my time thinking about how to connect the world and serve our community better, but a lot of that time isn’t in our office or meeting with people or doing what you’d call real work. I take a lot of time just to read and think about things by myself. If you count the time I’m in the office, it’s probably no more than 50 to 60 hours a week. But if you count all the time I’m focused on our mission, that’s basically my whole life.”

BINGO.

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For the last year, this is how I’ve worked. I work when I’m reading, I work in yoga class, I work on the treadmill, I work on a walk with a green juice. Half of my work is strategizing and thinking of creative ways to build The Skinny Confidential & its community.

Work does not always mean you’re behind a desk answering a million e-mails.

Of course e-mails are a HUGE part of my job, HOWEVER I’ve learned to time-block & answer them for only an hour & a half each day. If I sat behind the computer all day, there would be no time to create or move or travel or strategize.

For 3 years I did every job in my company. From e-mails to contracts to creating to photography to newsletters to writing a book, etc. AND then for a year I micro-managed everyone around me. Now I am slowly learning to let go, unless of course it has to do with building the business or writing & creating content. I mean, there’s no reason that I should be picking up food for a recipe post when I could be writing a blog post or making plans for the next step in the brand.

Time is your currency, use it wisely.

This article states: “As the leader of your business, you are responsible for spotting problems and delegating solutions. You are responsible for setting goals and thinking about the future. The only person in your company who will be genuinely motivated to grow your company is you. Every minute that you spend working on tasks that can be delegated is a minute that you are not planning, strategizing and building the best business possible.”

Could not be more accurate, in my opinion.

Growth happens when you create a strategic plan of attack.

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I feel like there’s another post coming after this because a large part of growth happens in day-to-day habits AKA your calendar. My calendar is very gnarly & color-coded – down to driving time ( like from appointment to appointment ), winding down time, & even when I eat. Really, I plan it out every night like a psycho…oh, & by the way, if I didn’t do this, I’d be a disaster. Literally, a full-blown nightmare. I’d be so distracted all day long; a real mess. Late, off track, & overall a big NO. Strict calendaring keeps my ass in line.

Alright – as always, just sharing what’s worked for me, everyone is different!

Are you working ON your business or IN your business? Weigh in!

Talk soon, lauryn x

SHOP THE POST: velvet nude dress ( similar ) | nude dress ( similar, sold out ) | sunglasses | clutchwhite kitten heels ( similar )

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SHOP THE POST:

Mini DeLites: Florence, Italy…LOTS OF PIZZA

June 21, 2016
by
LAURYN

best places in Florence 1 by the skinny confidentialbest places in Florence 8 by the skinny confidential

PIZZA! PASTA! WINE! BREAD! MORE PIZZA! DID I MENTION PASTA?

No surprise that Italy was full of carbs.

& I loved every second.

Because nothing is more fun than eating pasta & pizza…and walking everywhere. I actually came back 5 pounds lighter. Cool.

Besides carbs, Florence was full of BEAUTY. The vineyards, sights, & architecture was absolutely breathtaking!

Really, I am already dying to go back.

ALSO! We ran into four Skinny Confidential readers which made my life! Running into TSC readers around the world blows my mind…they even called Michael “Susan.” So good, so good.

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Straight from Venice we took the train to Florence. It was a whole different vibe but very MUCH welcomed. Michael planned his itinerary down to a T but of course I had to shake it up & give him extreme anxiety. The hotel we stayed at provided us with a list of restaurants………..let’s just say they were all WAY too, eer, hmm, much?

I mean when the waiter tells me they’re known for their quail? It’s just not my thing. YOU KNOW, quail.

So I ask him as nicely as possible while batting my eyelashes & trying to push up my cleavage “what other options are there?”

He tells me “yes, of course- don’t worry!”

…Worried though.

“There’s also deer, frog, & PIGEON.”

::crickets::

Have any of you eaten pigeon?

I feel like pigeon just isn’t my thing. Like, it’s fine if it’s someone else’s thing – but for me… pigeon sounds about as appetizing as POO.

Ended up with the salad with olive oil & vinegar. ROOM SERVICE, PLZ.

best places in Florence 2 by the skinny confidentialbest places in Florence 6 by the skinny confidential

Immediately after the pigeon situation, I went STRAIGHT to the lovely concierge & said, “I understand you’re trying to send us to nice places but I would much rather prefer where YOU & your friends go when you’re off work. Give us the real deal, hole in the wall spots!”

He totally got our vibe & totally hooked it up from there on out.

PHEW, no more quail.

Of course we will do a full-blown itinerary for you but I just wanted to showcase some pictures of the trip. Florence is a must-see. Highly recommended.

SO! That’s all.

Need to get some rest because we’re recording TSC Podcast tomorrow with The Nanz. She’s going to be FIRE. Hopefully she’ll provide more relationship tips. I feel like her smothering tip needs to be gold foiled & hung in a thick black lacquer frame in my office.

See you tomorrow! lauryn

best places in Florence 5 by the skinny confidentialbest places in Florence 3 by the skinny confidentialbest places in Florence 4 by the skinny confidential

Florence, Italy Feels:

HIM SERIES: Following Up With All My Single Ladies ( + Where To Meet A Date ) | By Michael

August 14, 2017
by
LAURYN

michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential
michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential

Hi, hi it’s me, Lauryn. HELLO.

This has been a VERY much requested post so I figured what a perfect time to post it because, FUCK, I’m sick. UGH.

Throat Coat & silver ( yes, silver ) on repeat over here.

In the meantime, my better, not as witty half will be posting on The Skinny Confidential tonight.

Anyway, we talked last time & I told you guys we launched the ‘HIM’ series so today Michael wrote a follow up post along with advice on where the hell to meet men.

( I mean I feel like if I were single, I’d just camp out in front of the library? Like ‘hey anyone got a library card?’ Really though, no thanks clubbing, creepy after hours clubs, or weird guy on a random dating site flexing the mirror with olive oil on your abs.

Ok, I’ll let Michael take it from here:

Hey Guys, Lauryn let me hop back on here to follow up with all of you on my last post!

I have to be honest, writing that last post gave me a little bit of anxiety which is really strange for me because I am really not the guy to get shy or nervous about speaking my mind ( as you can see if you follow my Snapchat, shameless plug: @michaelbosstick, hahaha! )

I really thought I was going to get my head torn off after that last one.

I debated softening it up or changing it around or making it less harsh ( does that make sense? ) but after I read it I just couldn’t and I’ll tell you why. I firmly believe in what I wrote, I lived a lot of those experiences myself. I have friends ( both girls and guys ) that are living them now! I have two sisters that I have constantly coached on these topics and I felt like delivering anything less than what I wrote before would be an unauthentic version of what I would actually tell the women in my life.

Am I 100% right on what I wrote? Probably not, but anyone that spouts off advice and tells you they are is full of shit. Do I believe I am mostly right? Hell yea I do! I firmly believe that the advice in my previous post can help the majority of single women in the dating circuit and that was my overall goal. To help.

michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential

So now that we got that off my chest, did my advice help anyone? Were any of you able to apply these tips to your current dating situations? Were you able to help a sibling or friend? Did any light switches go off that provided insight on any of your past dating experiences? I would be really interested to hear if any of these things happened.

This brings me to my next topic, how do you meet the right guy?! Where do you meet him and what do you do when you do meet him?

First let me tell you that you can’t force this. If you are set on meeting someone quick and jumping right into a relationship, it may end up being a bad move. There are a lot of Mr. Wrongs out there lurking in the last call section of the bar waiting to pounce on desperation.

Just like business, you need to be patient.

You need to wait for the right moment. You will feel it when it comes but don’t try to convince yourself, just let it happen.

So what do you do when you see someone you may be interested in?

michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential

First, I can guarantee you that we’re just as nervous as you. I got a lot of questions asking if it was inappropriate to make the first move on a guy? Yea, it probably is if you live in 1927. Lucky for you, you don’t.

If you see someone that you think you could develop a connection with, go ahead and approach. I personally think it’s rad when a girl takes initiative. What’s the worst that can happen? You get denied and move on with your life? Welcome to our lives. Or maybe it turns out to be something and all it took was a simple ‘hello.’ That being said you still need to make it a challenge after the approach, don’t blast in like a hungry beaver ready for war.

Second, can you guys please make it a little easier for us to know when you’re interested? Women do this thing where they expect men to know what they’re thinking. We don’t, we never have, & we never will. If you’re interested, make it known so that we can work up the courage to make a move.

So back to where you should meet guys.

This is a tricky question. I think that all depends on the type of person you are. If you hate night clubs and dive bars, then why the hell are you going to a night club and dive bar expecting to meet your dream guy? What about dating apps? Do you like guys on dating apps? Maybe, again depends what you’re looking for. I have heard horror stories and I also know people who have met online and are happily married. Maybe you will meet someone at the park? Or maybe on a river rafting trip, or maybe at a concert to save the whales. I DON’T KNOW! The point is, you will meet someone when you meet them and trying to set the stage won’t work.

michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential
michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential

I think the more important topic here is on not settling.

Be patient & get with the person that actually makes sense to YOU. Don’t settle for someone that doesn’t treat you right. Don’t stay in a relationship just to be in a relationship. What a waste of time! If you get lonely get a pet (or a Chihuahua, trust me they’re great ), hang out with friends, read a book!

But don’t settle.

When you do meet someone, take your time— develop a real relationship. Maybe think about some of the advice in my last post. I find that when I really force something, it usually backfires in my face. Life is funny that way. So take your time, be yourself, don’t settle and you won’t have to look for a place to meet someone. You will both find each other. I promise. It just might not happen right away.

Let me know what you guys want to see next, – Michael

SHOP HIM: black tee | green jacket ( similar ) | jeans | shoes ( similar ) | sunglasses

SHOP HER: black dress | sunglasses ( similar ) | shoes ( similar ) | purse ( << this one looks just like it too! )

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michael bosstick's HIM series | by the skinny confidential