Ah, settling.
Don’t you hate that word?
It’s so…cringeworthy.
Especially when it comes packaged in the phrase ‘settling for less.’
Because is there actually anyone who WANTS to settle for less?
::crickets::
Ya, I thought so- no one.
Here’s the thing though: people settle for less everyday.
Specifically let’s talk about relationships though.
For some reason the theme of my asklauryn@theskinnyconfidential.com e-mail inbox has been heavily relationship themed. Over & over the same questions are asked about shitty boyfriends.
And over & over I repeat the same thing: DO NOT SETTLE.
Who the fuck cares if society tells you you need to be engaged by 29 at the latest with a baby on the way at 32. LIKE YAWN? I am so sick of society putting pressure like this on women- I mean what ever happened to beating to the tune of your own drum? If you want kids at 32, you do you but if you want to travel the world & eat pasta having different one night stands at 32, by all means- you know?
Do not settle for the douche who doesn’t treat you the way you should be treated because you’re nearing 30 & need to do what is expected.
I’ll tell you one thing: if I wasn’t married to Michael I can bet you I’d be single.
That’s right.
Single…& fine with it.
( There are some major pros of being single in my world…AKA no one would ever sit on my white couch. I could also work from bed, turn the heater up every night, & the toilet seat would always be right where I left it. Sorry babe but you know it’s true ).
I’d be fine with being single because there’s no part of me that wants to settle for anything less than what I 100% want.
Let me back up…
We haven’t really dove into this area of my life but I’ve been there done ( literally, HA ) the douche-bag dance.
One boyfriend was a real liar. He would lie, lie, lie. I thought I was going to marry him all through high school.
We dated for 5 years.
I put up with his dumb shit for 5 years.
5 years of settling for less.
NO THANK YOU?
At this point in my life I would have kicked his ass to the curb. No matter what age. I would never settle for a liar. LIKE BYE FELICIA!
The other dingleberry boyfriend & I dated for a year. This one was a SERIOUS PIECE OF WORK guys. No job, no ambition, no responsibilities. Kind of cheat-y too.
I’ll never forget when he asked me to go to a tiny Mexican restaurant on Valentine’s Day. The bill came & he didn’t have enough cash. So he had the AUDACITY to ask me if I would DINE & DASH with him. Um, happy Valentine’s Day?
I told his ass NO, I most definitely would not skip out on the bill. At the time I was a cocktail waitress & would never do something like that to another server. So I paid the $59 dollar check myself ( please note: my bank account was not hot at this point- I think I had $110 bucks? )…BUT after that I continued to put up with his shit for another year.
A whole year of more instances like his DINE & DASH V-day moment.
Now? I would tell him to take a hike…
For all of you that are reading & screwing around with a douche who doesn’t deserve your time: DON’T SETTLE FOR LESS.
Know your worth.
Once I started to know my worth, Michael came back into my life.
You know the saying: “Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.”
Well, he snuck in through my door.
…looking all hot in his leather jacket.
The point is: maybe you’re settling for less. Maybe you secretly, deep down know you are & you’re not being real with yourself. Have an honest conversation which requires an EXTREME amount of SELF AWARENESS. Snap yourself out of being in a delusional relationship that isn’t good for you. Don’t marry the douche-bag because you’re 33. Overall don’t fucking settle for bullshit. Have your cake & eat it too. Anything worth it takes time & patience- just because you don’t have something at 29 doesn’t mean you won’t have it at 36.
OH, and keep your door open.
You never know what might sneak in when you refuse to settle for less.
For the record? Being single & independent is fun, sexy, & cool- embrace it. AND whatever you do: don’t put a time or age on marriage. You do you, Boo.
Thoughts? Would love to hear.
– lauryn
( By the way I get to write in bed sometimes now because I diabolically invested in these noise canceling headphones for Michael- I just couldn’t SETTLE for his ‘no work in bed rule.’ Currently next to me sleeping like a baby, listening to orca whale meditation music ).
Yes!! Love this post. <3
BlondieInTheCity.com
I love this post!
I spent many years with either terrible boyfriends or being single. During my single years though, I have been travelling a lot, moving countries different times, working and learning foreign languages. Would I do it again? Hell yeah! I know I was weird to some people, not getting married, not even being in a serious relationship at 30….But at least I was getting to know myself! Knowing yourself is key to a happy relationship. I was really hoping to meet someone wonderful, but I had become really picky! and being picky is actually GOOD! Now I am getting married next year, and I will be 33 by then, and he IS wonderful! Who cares what people say? I am lucky I live in Germany though, where people do the whole wedding+baby thing quite late. No judgement here. (in France, where I come from, it is slightly more traditional and judgemental!). (love your wedding pics by the way, and your blog in general! ) x
I was once told that I had to lower my standards* in order to meet a guy. I was told I would have to settle as I’d never find someone who met my basic requirements (roughly – not be a total douche). But I didn’t settle, I never lowered my standards and I met a man who snuck through my door and turned out to be damned close to exactly what I was looking for.
No woman should ever settle. No woman should ever be told her standards are too high. Every woman should know that her worth is not dictated by her marital status.
What I am trying to say is Brilliant post, you deserve to work in bed! x
* My standards were: at least as smart as me, at least 5’10, with a beard, not a douche. Apparently that was too much to ask for?
xx Bry Jaimea || https://shortcutecompact.com
Damn girl, you said it. You are so right! We all had our baggage some good, some bad but in the end is important we know who we are and are with someone that threat us the way we deserve. You know when I was living single I used to like to enjoy some snacks in the bed or if I had a bad day, a pizza in bed and my boyfriend (together for 5 years) always says his rule, ”no eating in bed” bla bla.. here I am eating in bed whenever I want hahah .. https://mihabalan.com/2017/03/29/building-spring-wardrobe-march-outfits/
So much of all of this….yes.
I almost settled at like 24 with the wrong person just because I thought it was what I should have been doing.
I finally got the right guy and if I hadn’t gotten him, I’d still be single and fine with it. Life is too precious to spend it with someone you don’t belong with or in a situation you don’t belong in.
http://aneducationindomestication.com
this is awesome!!
-Kirsten // pork & cookies
100% this is so so true. I wish I could turn back time and tell my younger self all these truths. So many wasted years!!
Completely agree, especially as a divorce attorney I see so many people who wish they would have been more honest with themselves about the issues with their partners. It’s sad to see people come to that realization once they have built a life together. If someone isn’t treating you well keeping the relationship going just to see if they’ll change or the redeeming qualities with outweigh the bad never works.
I love this so much! I was on and off with a guy for over four years and all he did was lie and cheat, yet I continued to take him back. I finally realized that’s not what I need in my life! For the first time since high school (I’m graduating college next month) I’m single and truly love it. I don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but myself, and I can do whatever I want!
Great message to this post! I totally agree with what you said, our time is so important don’t waste it on people who don’t deserve it.
LOVE this and think this is something that everyone (especially girls) should understand and practice ….yet…it can be very challenging. Thank you for opening up in regards to your previous boyfriends…would love a podcast about ‘exes’ as well…?? eh eh?! Other thoughts: do you think you will have kids? Do you feel pressured at all because of your age and the (dreadful) biological clock? Do you ever stress about balancing your work life and motherhood? Do you think that any of your friends are settling? If so…do you give them advice? I am in my late 20’s and these topics really hit home! Thanks Lauryn! <3
Love, love, LOVE this post.
I was in a very long relationship as a teenager and have been single for 5 years, but I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. I have a top three things I MUST have in a man and I know he’s out there.
For now…I’m single and loving it!
http://www.katelately.co
Totally agree with everything!! Especially about keeping your door open….you never know what great things are coming your way! 🙂 xo Devon Seventeen Dresses
Oh, if I could scream this post from the rooftops!! Life is so much better when you stop putting yourself on society’s timeline & realize your worth. Life is so much better when you’re not dealing with people’s BS that don’t deserve an ounce of your time. You’ll never be happy otherwise, ya know?
I couldn’t stop laughing at the end hahaha!! Love you Lauren and how real you are!!
Hi. My name is Courtney. I’m 34. Not married. No kids. (Everyone in room says “Hi Courtney!”). Now that I got that out of the way – let me tell you – I have heard other peoples opinions about my dating life for yeeears!!! Your line “just because you don’t have something at 29 doesn’t mean you won’t have it at 36” totally resonated with me. In my late 20’s I was in a three year relationship that was extremely unhealthy. Many people thought we were going to get married. It took me a long time to finally end it and I’m so glad I did. Everything about that relationship was a fight and a compromise. Aka, me getting over it and him getting his way. Everything! Like down to what we watched on tv. It was ridiculous. I got extremely lucky and met my current boyfriend only 3 months after that unhealthy relationship ended. But we took it slow. Real slow. I wasn’t ready to give my heart fully to him since I was still healing from my last relationship. I have no regrets how things turned out. Even if that means I met the person I’m truly meant to be with in my thirties. By the time I get married and have kids I’ll likely be 36. But when I was 29, it felt like if I don’t do this now I’ll miss my shot. I’m so glad I ended that relationship and I’m so happy with where I am now. I’m so happy and much better off.
I have a similar problem except I feel like it’s worse. I am with a guy I love who treats me amazingly but I am not IN LOVE…that magical spark isn’t there yet I know how hard it is to find a sweet, caring guy and that makes it so hard not to just “settle” and forget the spark
Great post Lauryn! I spent years and years dating the biggest jerks before I finally met my husband. Now that I am married, I realize there is a huge difference between boyfriend material, and husband/partner material. If you are looking for “husband/partner” material (even if you don’t want to get married), think beyond just how obsessed you are with him. This has to be the guy/girl who worships the ground you walk on, always puts you first, and will drop everything if you need something. Because once you throw in-laws, kids, health issues, etc. into the mix, it gets ugly. You need a strong relationship to weather it all. If you are on some kind of timeline, and haven’t been able to meet someone, freeze your eggs. Find new single friends to hang out with. Travel. Get a new job. Anything except be with someone who makes you feel insecure, or makes you cringe. Not settling doesn’t mean finding the perfect guy (don’t do that either). It is finding someone you love and are attracted to, who makes you feel good!
Dear lord I love this post. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years and if I had a dollar for every time someone gave us a hard time for not being engaged/married/having kids… I’d have enough to pay them to shut up! Sorry we’re not sorry for being together because we want to (not because a piece of paper dictates it) and we’d rather spend our money traveling before we have kids. People should do what they want because they want to do it. AND DON’T SETTLE! If people applied this sentiment to all areas of their lives… We’d be so much happier!
– Susie (www.milehighdreamers.com)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. Although no bad blood with my past, it definitely took me some time to know my worth and feel confident to not settle for anything else. I love everything you are doing with your platform – you and Michael inspire me to live the life I want to live.
I completely agree but I think it is easier said than done. From my past relationship experience, I spent two years settling and thinking that if I tried harder or if I was a better girlfriend he would treat me better because he made me feel that I was the problem. I think this is common when you are clouded by first love feelings and stuff, and you end up putting up with things you always said you never would. But after that experience, I realised that it wasn’t me that was the problem and now I know that I will never again settle or put up with someone else’s shit like that again, whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or anyone else. In the end, I am somewhat grateful for that because I have learnt my lesson from a young age and will carry this with me from now on.
Emily | http://emilytrinh.com
This is great advice, but Lauryn, from what I understand… you haven’t been single since you were like 16??
This is amazing! Everything I needed to hear! Sometimes I get nervous, I’m getting older (28) and I’m single with no children. Then sometimes I feel lucky to be independent and free.
Absolutely agree! 100 %! Never ever under any circumstance settle for less than you deserve. So many women need to know their worth. No one should be with someone who treats them like shit. Being single and independent is so much better than being in a bad relationship. And being single IS cool! So yeah, just embrace it!
This post is GOLD, Lauryn. Love it!
https://findingloveandhappinessblog.wordpress.com/
Sorry but just have to add “orca whale meditation music” actually killed me HAHAHA omg. Loved this post x
thesundaychapter.com
I do love this post. It’s hard, but it’s real & true.
Unrelated / on the beauty junkie topic… Could you do a post about make up & hair for your outside, hot-climate wedding? Even if you got it done professionally, any tips / tricks you learned? I want to look nice in real life and also in photos / videos for similar events, but I am not going to get my hair & make up done every single time. The humid hot vacationy climate – I don’t know what to do about it! Thanks!
I looove this.
Yesss!!!! Real shit!! It took me till 28 to learn this and way too many shitty dine and dashes worthy dates. So glad you found Michael! (refound ?) lol.
Thanks for sharing!
So much yes to that! Also – worst Valentine’s Day date I’ve ever heard of. Glad you got rid of that guy!
YES YES YES this is so true!! I’m forwarding this to all my friends (and to my 20-year-old self)
Thanks Lauryn!
http://www.springsummersam.com
I just found out yesterday that my fiance has been cheating on me throughout our dating relationship and engagement. Today is my birthday. What an asshole…
People always do what they’re expected to do, and its fine as long as it makes you happy. Its also okay to go with your own timing but my thought is, we are so consumed and so fucking pressured by society and even family to be stable and having a relationship apparently means being stable for most people. Im sure at every family gathering we all get questions like, do you have boyfriend? why not? You’re so pretty you should have one! At your age I met my husband. All that bullshit gets to us and we then believe we NEED to have someone and thats when it happens, we settle, we look for him under the rocks and when it seems like we have someone ( finally) even if its shitty we still go with it, because we can’t stand another family event with the same fucking questions we been getting for years…
https://headovrheelsblog.wordpress.com
This post came right on time! I’m 29 and just ended a 6 year long relationship with a guy who didn’t appreciate me and took me for granted. At one point I thought I was lucky to have him and couldn’t find anyone better than him because I didn’t fully have confidence and love for myself. Six years of lying, cheating, heartache and mental/emotional abuse. But I finally get it now. It still hurts I’m not going to lie but I swear I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me and I can achieve and accomplish anything I want to. Thank you for this and I hope any woman, no matter what age realizes her worth and moves forward!
I absolutely love you btw! xoxo
http://www.lovedeelour.com
Thanks for the support Hayley! xx
LOVE your story Sandrine! Knowing yourself is crucial for a successful relationship. Congratulations on finding your man <3 xx
I appreciate all of the support Bry! Creating space for the right person is so important. LOVE that you didn’t settle & found what you were looking for!! xx
HAHA love it. There are definitely some sacrifices with a partner. Thanks for all of the support babe. xx
Completely agree Stephanie! SO glad you waited and found your partner : ) xx
Thanks so much Kirsten! xx
I love this post. Thank you! I was dating a guy for over two years (who I knew since junior high lol, 15yrs!). He was mean/negative, miserable, and did not treat me well; I think I was too nice and kept trying to see the good in him lol. In the end he ghosted and I found out he cheated. Years later, I am so happy I’m not stuck with that asshole lol! Right now I’m single, moving up in my career, and in grad school. I hope you’re right on meeting the right one. I always preferred being single than sticking to jerks all my life.