Today I’m getting kind of personal.
I’ve gotten a lot of e-mails about relationship advice so…I figured I’d share a bit of my experience.
In general, I never want to over-share especially when it comes to my relationship. I feel like keeping it between me & Michael is what makes our relationship special to us. I’m super private/protective in that way. The Skinny Confidential is a piece of my life but it’s not my whole life.
Ya know?
Obviously there’s a lot of life that happens besides just what’s on the blog— whether it’s happy, frustrating, sad, or personal, not every.single.thing. is meant for sharing on the Internet.
For example, we kept our engagement a secret for weeks & weeks before we blasted it out on social media.
On one hand, I wanted to scream from the rooftops…and on the other hand I wanted to just enjoy being engaged to Michael, privately.
And that’s what we did.
We soaked it up…big time. I was giddy.
Anyway, I do have a relationship topic I’ve been dying to share because if it helps one person, it’s worth sharing, right?
So well, I guess it begins with this: I don’t live with Michael.
Strange, right?
But the truth is I’ve never lived with Michael.
In fact, I’m having MAJOR ( major, major, major ) anxiety that in a couple months we’re moving in together ( << we’ll get to that later ).
While we were dating there was a long list of reasons to not move in with the BF:
1.) I wanted to experience my twenties to find my independence & discover my personal style.
2.) Why rush in to something that was going to happen anyway?
3.) Maybe I was a little selfish…
4.) …so I needed a couple of reality checks/lessons.
5.) I’m a control freak & needed to address the issue before suffocating my poor fiancé.
6.} My parents always told me to have my own space before marriage…
7.) And I didn’t want to move in to someone else’s house…I wanted to move in to a home together AKA ‘our home.’
…the list goes on.
Ok, so the whole time Michael & I dated, I never, ever wanted to move in with him.
It wasn’t about playing games…I just felt like we always knew we’d be married. We always knew we wanted kids together. We always knew we were going to create a life together…so why rush it? I also wanted to prove to myself I could live alone.
I mean, really though: why rush my twenties to move in with someone, I KNOW I’m going to ultimately spend my life with?
Let me guess? You’re thinking: because you need to see if you’re able to live with him!!!
But I didn’t see it like that.
I saw the opportunity of being boyfriend & girlfriend as a time period where I could get to know myself.
Without kids.
Without tons of responsibilities.
Without doing someone else’s laundry.
Without having to mix my style with someone else’s taste.
And without compromising, in general.
I wanted to go to my home & shut the door.
Light my coconut milk mango candles.
And chill.
And guys…here’s why I’m sharing this: IT’S BEEN THE BEST THING EVERRRRRRRR.
I am so, so glad I moved out on my own to see how it is to pay all my own bills, decorate the way I wanted to decorate, and get to know myself on a one on one basis. Michael’s told me he really respects my decision to live on my own.
Now obviously this isn’t for everyone. I think people should do what is right for them. I just don’t think anyone should conform to society’s expectations unless it’s working for you.
But for me, living by myself has been absolutely insane. There’s been times where it’s tough financially but I did everything in my power to make it work because I know I’ll probably never live alone again.
Also…if we’re being honest…there’s this other tiny reason I wanted to live alone: hi, I’m Control Freak Connie.
Not like a ‘ha-ha control freak, nudge, nudge me too, aren’t we all’ kind of a control freak.
Like, a real annoying, you don’t want to live with me kind of a control freak.
My closet is color coded, under the bed is organized, I Swiffer more than anyone in the world, every label is facing out ( Kris Jenner-style ), I don’t like towels anywhere near the floor, my underwear’s folded, etc. I could go on but honestly I’m scared of the comment section.
At this point maybe ( just maybe? ) you’re thinking “well that’s cool to be that organized.”
…hmmmm.
Meh.
Not so much.
The control freak in me has gotten in the way of life before…seriously, though lemme tell ya ( but that’s a different story for a different day ).
And really, I felt like I needed to work on that side of myself before moving in with Michael.
So I’ve seriously been trying…very, very hard to train myself to be a little bit more, uh…laid back. More like Cool Cat Connie.
I definitely feel like I’ve made some progress. Fingers crossed for more though. That’s where my ‘moving anxiety’ comes from…the fact that I’m going to be sharing a space with someone else with those good old control freak tendencies. Hey, I’m a work in progress…
So definitely wish me luck on that one ( poor Michael ).
And lastly, here’s a question I get a lot: “well now that you’re engaged, why don’t you guys move in together?!”
Ahhh, everyone’s so rushed! I like to take things slow.
Also, my lease is month to month. Michael’s is up in the next couple months. Initially he really wanted me to just move in with him…but I don’t want to move in to someone else’s space.
( Dear Michael: no offense babe, but I can so see you saying “Lauryn you left your faux fur on my floor!” ).
I want it to be ‘our’ floor. Our dish washer. Our bed. Our house.
Does that make sense?
Basically my motto is: DON’T RUSH LIFE!! And really don’t rush your twenties.
So we’ve come to the decision that we’ll move in together in to ‘our house’ in the next few months. We’ve started to house hunt ( it’s pretty clear that that’s an extremely overwhelming process ) so I’ll keep you guys posted.
Sometimes I kind of feel guilty for fully embracing & enjoying this phase of my life ( sleeping alone, cooking alone, cleaning alone ) but ultimately I’m really grateful to have had this independent time…because soon it’s on to the next chapter ( eek! ).
In the end, moving in together will be that much sweeter.
So there it is, I guess…my ‘why I don’t live with my boyfriend’ experience.
What’s your take? I loveeeee when you share your stories— just so ya know, I read each of your comments because you guys always have amazing advice.
Thanks for listening to my long-ass post, x L
{ P.S. naturally, Pixy is dying for us to move in together…she can’t wait to live with with both parents ; ) }.
++ white skirt || white top ++
So insightful! And I’ve always actually been on the opposite side–I think it’s best to move in together first to see if you work out together in mutual living space. But I have to admit…you make a great point. As a woman of 22 myself and a long-term boyfriend that is currently long-distance well…..it’s a unique way to look at it. Makes me not want to worry about rushing to live with him and making it stressful. And I like that. 🙂 Thank you!
Yay!! Don’t rush it! Enjoy your twenties : ). xx.
Could not agree more…my end goal is to eventually be married and live with my significant other for DECADES of my life..why not cherish my few years of “me” time, sans real life responsibilities! I’ve also witnessed a handful of friends move in with their sig oth and put crazy pressure on the relationship, suck the life out of it, etc. We’re really doing our BFs/fiancees a favor by learning how to be independent people on our own!
Yeah, you definitely can’t rush life. It’s best to enjoy it. Live it independently in love. I think it’s important to live on your own so you can just learn about you & what you like in life. :] // itsCarmen.com ☼
I love every bit of this! I admire that you can see the bigger picture and acknowledge that sometimes it’s okay to be a bit selfish in the sense that you should be able to enjoy your own space and expressing your own style. I think when you have the opportunity to discover yourself more and become grounded in who you are it makes you a more solid partner in a relationship. You’ve learned to be strong on your own so together you’ll be an unbeatable force! Good luck, and don’t let the nerves get ya, I can tell you’ll both be fine 🙂
I think there is something else important about having lived alone: You know you CAN. So many people stay in outdated or toxic relationships because they think they could not survive living alone. Sad, but true. So having lived an independent live before settling down with someone is, I believe, very important for your self-esteem.
I moved in with my now-husband a year after we’ve met which was ok because I was 29, but looking back I would have left it a bit longer because I had just (after years of moving around) found the perfect cute little single apartment which of course I had to give up. Now, I would stay a year longer just to enjoy it a little longer too.
I completely appreciate your perspective! I’ve lived with my fiancé for a LONG time – and honestly it has been incredible. I am a total control freak, but learning how to compromise, the things that will make you tick (like that he never replaces the toilet paper on the roll, etc), and making things “ours” has been amazing. Good luck in your next chapter together! You make a beautiful couple!
I have lived with friends and family….and am that control freak you’re talking about and it has driven me nuts. I just turned 22, & have always been on the side of living with a man prior to marriage…but, you’re point is very valid and to be honest has made me realize that if I’d like to do that with a long term partner I should probably fight my control freak demon a little more persistently.
Good for you! I totally get the ‘control freak demon.’ Ahhhh it’s so annoying! x.
I feel the exact same way. It’s so important to be independent for a few years. Leaning to be alone and take care of yourself is so crucial. Plus, it’s pretty nice to take up the whole bed & be a cover hog while you can. I have the rest of my life to snuggle with my boyfriend, so for now, living alone is fun. As Beyoncé said, “Make sure you have your own life before you become somebody’s wife.”
1. I love you
2. you’re a strong B and no social standard should pressure you or tell how to personally assess your relationship
3. its clear (and i am whiteness from personal experience) the intense love between you and M … that will last forever.. not a f*cking doubt
4. stay separate.. gurl.. lets get ugly n put face-masks on while we can before they learn all of our dark secretes.
5. I have a shoot in mind for ‘the lane’ and I want you involved.. consider this my social media peer pressure.
6. <3
Ahhh I LOVE you kitten. You made me LOL>>> Let’s shoot ASAP.
I love your reasoning. I feel like my controlling tendencies are controlling my life and my relationship. How have you made positive changes towards being cool girl Connie because I have no idea how to even start. Xo
Classic post L! Honestly I don’t know anyone as anal retentive and OCD as me, but sounds like you’re pretty close. I’m the kind of person who folds the toilet paper like they do at hotels. Anyways, I always used to think moving in together shouldn’t happen until after marriage. This idea that “testing the waters” to see if your compatible was a cop out for true love. For me it was always this idea if you really love someone enough to marry them, living with them should be something you learn to do, not something that breaks your bond. Anyways, I moved out of my parents house at 18 and I lived with some roommates, and after about 6 months my OCD made me realize I can’t live with anyone, period. After living alone for the bettr part of 10 years I decided to move in with my girlfriend about a year ago. Honestly, I was hesitant at first, but I can’t believe how much stronger our relationship is. Sure, it’s tough to lose your own space, I mean I bought a three bedroom house that I lives in alone with my two dogs for three years, it was amazing. But when my lady goes on trips for work, I get a few days here or there, and I can honestly say that the nights or the mornings that we spend together BECAUSE we live together, beat out any night I’ve spent alone in my twenties. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it, because I did, and especially as a guy it’s important to learn to live alone and not think your girlfriend moving in with you is your mommy ready to take care of you. Anyways, I know you’re gonna love moving in together and having your space together. When I lived alone, it was always fun to do spontaneous things like watch a cheesy movie, or go to the local dive bar for a drink and talk to strangers, but I honestly think having your best friend living with you is a like a never ending sleep over when you were a kid, and no parents making any rules! So have fun in neverland when you get your new place with Michael, and trust me, you’ll never stop being OCD about the house, and your love will be there when you have to fix the pillows and organize the suja on the fridge if he makes a mess. I mean, it can be annoying, but how annoying would it be if you got home and you didn’t have something to organize. 🙂 good luck and enjoy the next step when it comes!!!
BOOOOOM!!! Best post yet. Love your face
As someone who moved in with her bf (mostly for financial + practical reasons: NOT a good reason to take the plunge to begin with) when she just turned 19 I think there is really no right or wrong here…
We had an absolute blast for a couple of months and it was amazing to constantly be around the person I loved. Especially because we took the plunge really quickly and were still in that early ‘dove eyed and in love’-phase!
But mutually deciding that we were going to live independently again after a year and a half (we had to move out and were able to afford our own places again) was the best decision ever as well.
Eventually the relationship blew up and I just love love love living on my own again!
New bf is long distance so not around a lot. Though I obviously miss him to bits it is also really nice to be in a relationship and be very independent at the same time! I think it’s great to live alone and if that’s what you feel you need: do it! But don’t not live together when you want to ‘because it might be too soon or you might be too young’ >> everything is an experience and you are allowed to say ‘hey it’s not working out like this’. People take living together (and so many other things) way too serious if you ask me… it doesn’t have to be something that ties you down for the rest of your life!
I moved in with my now husband after six months of dating, it felt right and I really needed to see if we could live together because hunny things are WAY different when you move in. I had to let go of his crap being all over the place because time is to precious to waste being pissed his socks are all over “our” closet floor and his tendency to just rinse a dish and not actually put soap on it is SO not worth the fight. Guys don’t change, we don’t change so you just have to accept it and move on and since you like things clean I suggest hiring a cleaning lady, this is the best investment I have made in my relationship, she cleans his shit and I do my own thang! It saves us from fighting over his messes and it saves me from having to clean it all up myself!
All my love to you on your house hunt, you will find the perfect home! xo C
since you’re a Gemini what is Michael? Im curious 😉 aka nosey.
I definitely think people should move in with each other before getting married, just to see if things handle well.
I moved in with my first boyfriend (of three years) and I ended things 9 months later. He was the person I thought I’d marry, and honestly it wasn’t living together that was the issue, it was the day-to-day “this is what marriage would be like” that made me realize we weren’t good for each other in the long term. I hated doing all the “work” without any of the benefits of actually being married.
Honestly, I took it as a learning experience and when I started my now husband, I told him I wouldn’t move in with him until he made a commitment to me. We dated 2.5 years, got engaged, I moved in and we were married 15 months later. We’ve been together a total of 6 years now and we live together GREAT! Good luck!
A great post. I must say that I did live with my ex boyfriend from the ages of 21-24 and it was not good. I lost myself, I was mad that I was doing his laundry and picking up after him, I came home after work to cook like an old wife and we got way too much of each other. I felt married so young and that ended up in a pseudo divorce.
I’m now 26 and living on my own. My now boyfriend has asked me to move in with him a few times not understanding why I keep saying not yet. It would help out better financially but I have already been there, done that. Bought the house, signed it over. I still enjoy my space and my organized closet and my own laundry pile. I know that someday we will live together, get married, have kids but for right now I’m happy in my pj’s, in bed, reading my daily blog feed and watching Netflix.
I played it your way. I always felt like if you needed to live with someone to see if you could live with them, then that says something significant about your level of commitment. Marriage is about so much more then fighting over the toothpaste cap.
This is amazing!! I’m ALWAYS the only one who sees this topic from your perspective and it’s usually hard for me to explain why I feel that way. I normally go with the words of my grandma “why would he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?” But, you nailed it!
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for YEARS. Within the next year to year and a half I’ll be moving in with my better half and I’m so excited!
But I’m also nervous because I’m the exact same way. Everything has it’s place, everything is organized, everything gets put away as soon as I’m done with it. My drawers even have a specific spot that each thing goes. When I get something new, everything is reorganized. My boyfriend? It falls where it lands and stays there for days. NERVES. I feel your anxiety because I’m soooo there.
Hi Lauryn! Thanks for sharing this! I loved the post. I have always been on the fence (more so on the side of not moving in before marrying someone) about this subject and you just gave me another solid reason why it’s best to wait. I’ll never forget a statistic in my sociology calss — 85% of people who live together before they are married get divorced! Craziness!
I think nowadays people rush to grow up, then rush into serious relationships, then rush to move in together instead of taking some time to smell the roses and just enjoy the journey. So thanks for getting personal and sharing your opinion.
Congrats on your engagement! I wish you both lots of love and happiness 🙂
My boyfriend and I of 5 years have been living together for 4.5. Crazy. I moved in with him when I was 21 because of so many issues I was having. It hasn’t always been easy, and we are finally at a point where we know each other really well. I know when he needs his space, and he knows that I will not wash anything that is not in the laundry basket. Yep, took that long. But you made so many awesome points as to why living alone before marriage worked for you and yes I can see how I missed out on some of those things:
“Without having to mix my style with someone else’s taste.” I love your style, Lauryn. Your new sofa? I die every time I see it. But it’s not my boyfriend’s taste and I don’t think he would be ok with me getting it for our house. So I’ve learned to compromise…but in the end, there is a lot of compromise in marriage as well.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong, because different people have different methods that work for them. I know you and your fiancee have been together for so many years and you guys found something that worked for you. Good luck!
Loved this. I have recently run into a problem with “living” with my boyfriend. And I asked for advice from my gf but I was still uneasy. I have a bigger place and I like my place more than my bf’s so after he helped me move in he was just over all the time. We have a very comfortable relationship but things moved way to quickly and I wasnt sure about iving together. I didnt know if we should split bills or what. I didnt know if it was selfish of me to ask that but when his friend moved into his apartment since he stays at my house I think its only fair. I sometimes miss my space when i lived alone but I guess to keep the realtionship going this is how it is going to be.
I lived on my own as well and only moved in with my fiance a couple months after he proposed when my lease was up. We were in a bit of a different situation because he already owned a house so I did feel nervous to move into HIS house but we’ve really made it work! If anything it makes me more excited to get married because we live so well together and really take care of each other. Best of luck in this next chapter of your relationship!!
xo,
Elizabeth
To live in the moment is to savor every moment of this precious life. Rushing through it dilutes it and makes it all less intense. At the end of the day there is much lost that one cannot ever recover, or even know in terms of what was lost. Taking it slow allows for appreciation, growth, discovery of all the “little” things that at the end turn out to be the big things in life. When you spend time alone discovering yourself and loving yourself it creates a natural desire (vs. a need) to want to discover and
love another. That makes a lot of difference when you are an older woman looking back and reflecting on your life and how you have lived it. Call me so I can help you find your “Home”. One control freak to another I have developed a special app for my clients so they know EVERYTHING that needs to occur and WHEN it does in their home search process. It also explains all of your risks and rights. I would live t get your take on it! Love and miss seeing you! We had great conversations at the “D”
I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago! It has been amazing and difficult all in the same time. I’m also a SUPER DUPER control freak, and trying to let go of my anal-cleaning tendencies. It can be hard. I’m learning to be thankful for when he does the little things because I know that’s a really big step for him. I know he’s also learning to be patient with me for getting cranky when his laundry is overflowing. I can’t deny, though, that spending more time together and creating a home is great. 🙂
I love this post! I have two roommates right now that have serious boyfriends, one lives down the hall in our apartment building and the other just moved out of state for a job and it has been interesting for me to see the way both of them function. The one who has some separation seems to have a healthier relationship (ie. she has her own life, but still makes the time to enjoy him be it over skype or in person when they get time to visit) while the other had trouble being away for a really long time because they got so complacent in spending every night in the same room at one of the two apartments.
I’m not in a relationship, but I know that after seeing both sides, I’m more on the separate spaces until it gets really serious / the time is right thing. I don’t like to rush things and I especially like my independence so it’s probably going to be hard for me to live with someone after I truly get my own place.
So I LOVE your reasoning.
I moved in with my now husband after dating for 5 years because he traveled A LOT for work and it didn’t make sense for him to pay rent.
Now he has a job where he is home every day (which is awesome) but I have had to compromise more.
We are both EXTREMELY hard headed and we know this about ourselves and each other.
So we came up with this plan to keep our sanity. If something is bothering me that he does around the house (i.e. not put the ironing board away after he has used it) I don’t tell him right away. We wait 24 hours, that way when I do tell him I am not acting out of rage and he knows that it really does bother me. You would be surprised at how many things you forget about in 24 hours. He does the same for me.
I’m not saying this will work for you, but it has worked for us over the last 3 years.
You’re going to be great!
Here’s my perspective: I’ve done it both ways.
After college, I moved from my sorority house directly into my new fiance’s apartment. I never felt like it was mine. I asked if I could move things, hang artwork, etc. He had to clear a few drawers for me for my clothes in HIS dresser. It was awful. And we crashed and burned in about six months.
Fast forward eight years, and my *now husband* and I didn’t live together. I had my own apartment, that I got to decorate how I wanted. I’m not talking roommates here, I’m talking living alone! Then we got engaged. And still didn’t move in together until we moved to a new city together, in OUR townhouse, that we decorated together. It’s sooooooo important to have a combined space!
Also, there are no “test drives” in life. It’s life! It’s happening! I think it’s best to wait until you’re committed to each other. Because you know what? You’re not always going to like that person. But you’re together and you love each other and you work on it when you’re married! When you’re in a relationship? You peace out!
This could not have come at a more perfect time for me. My boyfriend is moving in temporarily while he’s in between places. He’s looking to invest in a property which I admire very much. When his options were down to moving an hour away from work and me with his brother, I offered him to move in with me. He’s never lived with a gf before and I think he’s a little nervous. I am too, but am hoping it all works out okay. It won’t be a permanent thing though I assure you. I’ve lived on my own for two years and love having my own space. I am with you on wanting your space together! I think starting fresh in a new space as a couple is the best idea. We’ll see how this little test goes. Cross your fingers for me!!
I love this post! I’m 25 and I’ve been with my bf for almost 3 years now. People are always asking “when are you moving in together?” “when are you getting married?” when we freaking want to! I’ve only been living on my own for a little less than a year (after moving out from my parents) and I LOVE having my own place even though I work and travel so much I’m rarely home. Compromising on a location is also an issue because where we choose to live in the greater Chicago area will have a significant impact on both of our commutes. So as it stands, we probably won’t move in together until October 2015 and I’m more than okay with that. I miss him like crazy when we aren’t together, but it’s so important to be by yourself! My mom was always a huge proponent of this and I thank her for that. So yeah I’m just going to go along my merry way enjoying the hell out of my 20s.
This is sage advice I wish someone would of slapped me with 8 years ago. Well, I guess it’s never to late to slow down and enjoy this moment 🙂
I love what you say about doing what is right for you. I lived on my own for six years, before I moved in with my now fiance, then boyfriend. My parents were really against it, but to me I wanted to make sure that we could live together, and it turned out so much better than I could have imagined. He is my favorite part of everyday, and we’ve been living together over a year. I think the hardest part is cleaning, and splitting chores, and we don’t have that totally figured out, but I think at the end of the day when they leave their clothes on the floor you just have to remember I love this person, and they love me, warts and all.
I TOTALLY agree with you on living alone in your 20s to gain some indepence and experience things you might not living with a partner. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and only moved in with him last year, because it was the right time and I felt I had experienced what I wanted to (living alone, with roomates etc.). Everyone is different mind you, so there is defs no right or wrong way of going about it BUT for me personally, I would recommend living with the person BEFORE you got married. Even though I was super close with my boyfriend and we told eachother EVERYTHING, you learn a lot about a person when you live with them. Its really a true test on how partnership can make or break a relationship. I love it and am totally happy I waited as long as I did before living with him. Our relationship has only gotten stronger and even though some days I want to kill him (because I have OCD lol) the experience has been great for our overall relationship!
My bf and I have been together for over 10 years. We lived together right away and then noticed it wasn’t working out. We both got our own places, continued to date but lived in our own house. This lasted two years and three years ago we bought a house together and it’s been awesome ever since. But there are some times when I miss my own space 🙂
I am 26 and got engaged a few months ago and since getting engaged I moved 2 hours away from MY family to live near HIS family in a house HIS parents own. It’s been quite an adjustment but we moved in TOGETHER and I think that’s what made the difference in our relationship growing stronger. I didn’t realize that until this post of yours.
Also, I had a dog long before him and he has grown so attached to him. It’s been one of the greatest simple pleasures to have a companion who cares for my dog just as I do – huge help to be able to trust someone to help with the pet owning process (hopefully you’ll get this benefit as well!)
I decided not to move in until we were engaged and lived with my best friend for a year in Richmond, VA and we had an absolute blast. I’ll never forget that time and I know I’ll never get it back.
Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life. I never ever read blogs until somehow I stumbled upon yours months ago and it’s been a huge eye opener and has helped me get healthier and appreciate the little things in life that I didn’t before.
xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing this! This is truly soooo helpful and wonderful! I <3 you
http://www.thesugarsplurge.com
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LOVE this post. SO nice and refreshing to see I am not alone in this one. I actually wrote an article about it a few years ago, which was published in Canada’s leading paper. My life has since changed (I live alone now, different boyfriend) but my feelings remain unchanged. My thought process reflects yours more closely now, but here is what I had to say at 24 …
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/i-dont-want-to-live-together-before-marriage/article4316135/
Also – there was originally about 100+ comments on the article, which have since been erased. It was a CONTENTIOUS issue.
I agree that it is a totally personal decision based on what works for you and your relationship. There’s definitely benefits to both! I love, love, loved my time living alone – it was a time of so much growth and independence and I knew I would have years of living with someone else ahead of me. It was a great transition from living with roommates to living with my husband. Even now that we live together, I still love a night every once in a while when he’s out and I have the place to myself! good for you for taking it slow and sticking to what works for you and Michael 🙂
Jessica
http://www.thebellevoyage.com
I love love TSC, and as soon as I see that there’s a new post – I tune everything else out to read it. You drop knowledge like a force! I decided to finally comment because this post.. Yes. Just, yes.
I 100% agree with all of your points. My financial situation has been such that I eventually did move in with my boyfriend over time. However, I was so crazy cautious about it! It made/makes sense for us because we work in completely different industries, I work a 9-5, he works a 5-3:30a and we see each other so little now, when we didn’t live together it was insane. BUT, in many ways I still live “on my own” a lot of the time. If he all of the sudden worked a 9-5 I’d probably want my own place on the side until marriage.
I just firmly believe you need to be an independent, solid version of YOU before you can be a solid version of WE. Too many times I’ve seen friends get out of relationships and they lost their identity with the relationship. Figure that out FIRST.
I’ve also always been concerned about feeling “trapped” in a situation.. I want to have back up plans and options. Before I did take the plunge I went a little OCD to prepare. I made a LONG list of things that could potentially get weird or awkward that we should discuss, asked questions, spoke up about things I felt strongly about living wise and ironed all of that out before we made the final decision. Initially I moved into his place before we got our own new place and I didn’t put myself on the lease so we could always feel comfortable to part ways if we needed.
Thank you for your insights, I love your blog and your book – Can’t wait for your new workouts too!!
totally agree and love the post! but as a fellow clean freak i feel it is my duty to tell you… it’s swifFer (not swifTer) 🙂
Um, love this post! I don’t know what else to say other than that’s so awesome you are doing you!
Best of luck when you do move in 🙂 You’ve got this!
Ah I love your point-of-view on this. I turned 22 last month and I was recently engaged (last month also 😛 ) to my boyfriend of 4 and a half years. Ever since I started my health coaching practice and business, I’ve been wanting to get out of my parent’s house because I felt ready to move on on my own. I wanted to experience what it was like to move out and learn how it is to go on my own. I felt stuck at home, not only because I have a home-based business but also because I was also taking care of my grandma almost every day. I couldn’t make plans with my friends because I didn’t know when I had to take care of my grandma. I couldn’t stay focused because she was calling me over more than once every hour. I was frustrated, I wanted to move out but I wasn’t able to on my own since I just started my business back in November with no side part-time job. I also wasn’t able to start teaching yoga after I received my certification in March when I had initiative to.
My fiancé and I made plans to move out (before we got engaged) to live closer to the university he was accepted in, and it was financially better for us. We moved in the 1st of this month, I help a bit here and there with what I earn, and lucky for us, we’ve saved for rent in advance. 🙂 I’m actually really really happy right now, but I’m an hour away from everyone. I’m focused and determined more than ever to spread the word on health and wellness to women around my age and earn while living my passion 🙂
It’s tough, really. I never really thought of it your way and I wish I could’ve been able to experience what you have (to live on your own for a bit before actually moving in to learn more about yourself and so on), but like you said, it’s different for everyone!
Again, thank you for the lovely post, girly. Always looking forward to more 🙂
xx,
Brenda
I couldn’t agree more. My husband and I never lived together before we got married for many of the same reasons. I had my own place for the 3 years we dated and lived with a girlfriend creating the perfect girly place! I loved it! Plus we were both so excited to live together for the first time as husband and wife and really start the next chapter of our lives together fresh, new and excited! We have been married now for 3 years and I would never have changed a thing. Plus you don’t need to live together to “know” if it is the right thing…and if that is your reason there are probably other things going on in the relationship that you are questioning as well.
Agreed, Agreed, Agreed. Awesome post!
xoxo,
Vanessa
http://crafturday.com
I agree! It’s important not to rush things. While I was dating my ex we moved in together and I realized almost immediately that it was a mistake. I had never lived alone before and I was worried that I would never get the opportunity to again. Living alone has so many perks even if it is expensive. I love it!
I am an extreme Type-A as well, same closet ideals as you, and I have always been extremely independent. My boyfriend and I just bought a home together after living in MY home together. I cannot wait for everything to be OURS. I have a ton of respect for you creating your own space and focusing on you. Not everyone has the strength or the luxury to do so, and I commend you for it! P.S. LOVE your blog!
This is the best post I’ve read all day. Honestly your voice is so strong without being preachy. I 100% agree with your viewpoint on taking things slow and enjoying your 20s, all while getting to know yourself. I am sending this post to everyone I know
I loved this post Lauryn – I moved in with my boyfriend after over a year of long distance dating and having the time apart while dating was great. I do love living together and have really enjoyed learning more about one another in doing so but I think everyone needs to do what’s right for them – good luck with the house hunting – so many exciting things going on for you!! 🙂 Xo, D
When I moved in with my partner it was too soon but I had no where else to go. My roommate couldnt afford to anymore and I couldnt live with my parents and there was miscommunication with another potential landlord and it fell to shit. I spent 4 years with my partner in his house with his mum. It never felt like home and I always felt stressed. In saying that though, we bought a house together and moved in 9 months ago. I appreciate our privacy soooooo much! I still have my own privacy too cuz we set up a man pad in the house. It worked the other way for me… I never wanna lose what I have now
I feel the SAME way as you! I lived on my own while I was single, dating and engaged. Me and my husband moved in together after our wedding and it was so special. Most of my friends said nothing felt different after their wedding, but we started a whole new chapter together! Of course it was challenging but no more than it would have been if we moved in together earlier
Thank you so much for posting this!! I have felt this way for a WHILE and I have gotten so many opinions from friends. My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years and we have never lived together, through dating or our recent engagement. I’m happy we aren’t because it is making our engagement and future plans that much more special. Because like you said, our future home will be OUR place. I’m so happy to hear that someone else agrees!
YOU. ARE. ADORABLE. I always love your posts. I have lived with a roommate for almost 4 years, but she is getting married soon. I have never lived on my own, but it is something I have always wanted/needed to do. This post made me feel better about not moving in with a boy until marriage or at least engagement. I would hate to move in with a boy for convenience. I completely agree that your twenties are a good time to live on your own and find out who you are.
Amazing! Love this!! I have been going through this decision process as well and this gave me a lot of insight to the other side of what I was thinking and I am SO glad I read this!! I’m a control freak to the max and honestly never noticed it until I moved out of my parents house. Love your advice on relationships! Keep it coming!
I <3 this! I understand that it makes a lot of sense financially to live together, but I do think it's important for women to live alone. Adults always seem to say "Make sure you live alone at least once in your life" or talk about how they regret going straight from parents to roommates to a spouse. Good for you for being able to support yourself independently AND pointing out that there is no need to rush things.
I TOTALLY think you are %100 correct about living on your own , finding yourself , being independent in your twenties !! Even while you have a serious boyfriend it’s so important to learn about yourself ! You did it the right way girl 🙂 props to you:) never rush your 20’s .
I love this post and your total honesty about it.
I totally agree and in my experience, when you are happy, confident and secure enough to be comfortable being alone and totally by yourself, your relationship with your significant other will be so much stronger and happier because it takes the pressure off! You can enjoy and love each other without totally depending on each other, which makes for a much healthier, happier and more balanced partnership and that’s what it’s all about!
Love love love this. I moved in with my ex at 19, which was a vom fest. It was seriously the worst. I had no space and what ended it all, the whole 3 year relationship, was me asking for 5 minutes to make a phone call for walk and him barging in to the room and being noisy and I just lost it. Anyway, safe to say me and my current boyfriends will be taking shit sloooooowwwww.
i really liked this post! i am in my late 20s and i really like living alone. unfortunately, i have seen so many friends stay in bad relationships because they have no idea how to be by themselves/are completely dependent on the guy because the apartment/house/whatever is in his name. its just so messy! i really could not never articulate why i don’t want to live with someone before, but i just knew it wasn’t for me if that makes sense.
I love your view. I have never thought about it that way before. I live my partner and have done so now for 2 years. I love living with him but I love my space too. I am really lucky as he works 4 nights per week so I still get the bed to myself (with our cat son Sage). He also likes his alone time and has this while I am work and he is off. He is a real home body though and can spend days at home happy making music or chilling out. We have recently moved into a 3 bedroom flat and found we are a lot more happy now with more space. We use to live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. This way we have our room, plus our own rooms in which we chill out or use for our hobbies. It works for us and I wouldn’t chnage it for the world. I am a bit of a control freak and he is super easy going. I have learnt so much from him and now relax a lot more which makes life better and us both happy. It also give me lots more time to do things I love and hang out with my man 🙂
Love this post!
Honestly, I have never believed in living together before marriage. I personally have always believed that if I really, TRULY love someone, I don’t need to live with them first to “make sure it’ll work out.” Breaking up with someone bc they have a couple of annoying living habits is really immature in my opinion.
Plus, I just really like my own space, so I’m not sharing until the I’s are dotted and t’s are crossed, and there are two rings on my finger.
All in all, it’s a personal choice, but I do wish more people would explore the depths of their relationship and commitment without living together.
I really enjoyed reading this. I blog, but also try to keep my relationship out of it, I think it’s important to keep something back for yourself, especially when someone else is involved. This was a refreshingly honest, well written piece. I live alone, and I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years. A lot of the time it’s been long distance too. For me, that was the best approach to begin with. Yes, I miss him. But it also gave me the time to develop as a person, and become more independent. I love living alone, and it’s really built up my confidence too. I think I’ve often rushed in to things in previous relationships, and I feel now, we’re more stable because we didn’t rush. We both know where we’re going, and we’re enjoying getting there at our own pace. Sometimes I do feel like all my friends are rushing in, living together, and even getting married when they’ve been together less time than we have, but everyone is different and you have to do what’s right for you as a person, and you as a couple.
Aimee Belle
x
http://aimeebelleblog.blogspot.co.uk
Thank you so much for this post. I always had this philosophy but felt that society kept trying to argue that if a non-married couple didn’t live together, then their relationship was somehow “inferior” to the ones that did live together. Thank you for showing that it *is* possible to have a relationship that leads to engagement/marriage without having to move in together first.
I also felt that society argued that women were “incomplete” and inferior if they didn’t have a man at ALL times (e.g. “If you’re so great then why are you single” comments). I shouldn’t need external reinforcement, validation of, or permission to live my philosophy, but it was still nice to read your post. It felt like someone was saying to me, “It’s OKAY, if not better, to enjoy your twenties, take the time to get to know yourself, and savor that and your independence.” So thank you for the encouragement and reminder that it’s OKAY (if not advisable) to live life the way you see is best and healthiest for you and your relationships, regardless of societal pressures.
I didn’t move in with my husband till after we got married! I loved that after 11 years of dating we still had a surprise waiting for us…finally to live together!
People still look at us like we’re nuts..like “oh how’d you know you’d like it, what if you drove each other crazy? how can you know someone before you move in?”
That to me, is nonsense. If something drove me crazy, we’d work on it! that is what life is all about. It wasn’t the easy way of doing things in my opinion, but it worked perfectly for us! It doesn’t matter what surprises come up once you live together, because you’re married and it’s forever! In my opinion, we live in a wishy washy society where everyone wants to test everything out to the full extent – I made my commitment and it’s been amazing living together. Challenging and rewarding, funny, sometimes frustrating, and so full of love.
I say do whatever is right for your relationship 🙂
I think that you have great perspective on this, as someone who has done a little of the opposite I can totally see where you are coming from. It’s also nice you don’t push this on others. My now fiance and I met my last semester in college and his last year in grad school, we lived apart for 2 years then took the plunge and then got engaged. For us it was the best thing, because after 3 months of living together and a month engaged he got a job opportunity he couldn’t pass up. So I lived alone for 6 months before moving and settling my life. It was great to learn about him and his habits but I also had space and my life. We both work a ton, so maybe that’s why I feel like I was never rushed because so often I make my own decisions about our space and as does he.
I would agree with you, I didn’t live with my now husband before hand it was good to know he was mentally stable enough to allow me my own time and space. However, boy do I wish I knew some of his habits, those dirty things you don’t see unless you are sharing spaces. Regardless of the cons, the pros make it worth it as long as you can both say you’re giving your best effort. I love this post. If I could do one thing over, I wouldn’t have gotten married so young (22), I am now 25. I do feel like I rushed a little fast on tying the knot, but it all worked itself out anyway.
You are so smart and you will never regret the time you took for yourself. I am 31 and married with a baby now but I moved in with my husband very early on and I always wished I had that “me” time and lived alone.
Way to go girl, and just a little statistic for you… You know how you always hear that the divorce rate is 50%? Well in couples that live together before marriage it’s 80%! Just sayin’, I think you’re doing the right thing. 🙂
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I love love loved this post! It’s so true. I waited until I was married to move in with my husband…and it was the best thing we ever did. I wish it was the norm…but it’s not. Good for you for being different and talking about it!
Totally agree. I was with my boyfriend almost 6 years before he proposed in December, and we never lived together. We even waited a few months after getting engaged before making the move. I lived on my own for 10 years and while it was tough at times, I loved it. It taught me so much about life and meant the world to me to be able to have a space that was just mine. I always knew my boyfriend & I would get married…now he’s my fiancé & I’m so glad we waited to cohabitate. Oh and PS…living with a guy is hard!! A big adjustment. I’m all for taking your time and enjoying life while getting to really know yourself & what you want. Great post.
Lauryn, you’re so strong and determined and insightful! I wasn’t even aware that I was a self-to-get-to-know until a year ago (I’m 26). I totally rushed in with a guy at 19 and missed out on me time. I’ve been single for a year now and I’m TOTALLY loving being just me. Thank you for sharing. <3
My boyfriend and I moved into our first home about a year ago, and couldn’t be happier. We had both already lived on our for a while and figured we both want to be homeowners it only makes sense. Now I am getting pressure from my family to get married, and that is when I completely agree with you, we gotta take our time whats the rush. I know after marriage comes kids and I am so far from being ready for that. I want to have fun and live my life to its fullest in my twenties.
BTW great post!
I love this, this is exactly how I feel when faced with this decision with moving in with my current bf. I am not ready for it yet. It is just hard to have this conversation when he wants it so bad. I just hope in the end if he really loves me that much that he will understand!
So ironic that this was posted, because my parents are I recently had this discussion that they do not want me to move in with a guy until I am married. At first a resisted, but it makes so much sense now that I’ve read your perspective. I think its admirable and your post has totally inspired me to stick to my values, and wait :). xo
Definitely an interesting take on this. I totally moved in after a few years with Austin because I felt like I was ready and it made sense. There were/have been some growing pains – even now that we’re married – because I’m kind of a slob, and he likes things a certain way. Things I don’t think are a big deal? Kinda big to him. A LOT of compromise. But you guys will figure it out!
I think everyone is different so should do what works for them. I lived by myself for 2 years while in college and LOVED everything about it. I agree it was a time period where I discovered a lot about myself and became comfortable/confident with myself without being reliant on anyone. When my {now} husband and I got together we did long distance so our entire relationship was flying and staying with the other one. Because of that it felt SO weird to not stay the night with each other when I moved cities to be with him. I had planned on getting my own place but realized within a month that we were ready to live together. Almost 7 years later and we’re happier and more in love now than ever before. It still feels like I get to have a slumber party with my best friend every night 🙂
I really enjoyed this post and reading your perspective on the matter, Lauryn! As someone who has been in a unique situation of living with my boyfriend and experiencing years of long-distance alone, I feel like I have got to live the best of both worlds.
During our short time living together, we learned that we could live together although there would be of course be compromises. And our time living apart doing long distance has really enabled me to grow as a person and appreciate having my own space and time alone. I personally think couples should really wait a while until they move together so they experience their own life first 🙂
I couldn’t agree with you more on this… It was like you read my mind haha! I want to live on my own so I don’t have to stress about other peoples mess or if someone is in the bathroom when I want a shower. I have house shared whilst studying with 5 other girls and that was difficult and you don’t feel like you have your own space so much (with paper thin walls)… so the thing that’s scares me most about living with my boyfriend would be that I wouldn’t have my own space to get away when I need it!
Fae x
Hi lauryn!
I have been following your blog for two years now… and I always figured you lived together. I have been married for a year and a half and we moved in together only after our wedding for a whole bunch of reasons. It takes about 6 months getting used to it but it really is the best. My husband also happens to be slightly ocd and I am far from it and we both had to adjust and work on making life easier for the other. I think the best advice I could offer would be that you each try and make slight adjustments into habbits. For example- like before moving in I rarely washed the dishes right after eating trying to ignore them as long as possible but since stuff like this would send him over the deep end, from day one I washed the dishes right away which now is second nature and a nicer way to keep our home. Make sure that you each know what is the most important and what you can live with or without.
Hope this makes sense 🙂
I love your explanation as to why you don’t live with your man! I’m 22 years young and i recently moved into ‘our’ apartment with my boyfriend (that i met out here on the east coast). We are currently residing in Philly but our plans are to move back to PB next year and it was important to me to live together before we trek across country and start our life. This might sound bad, but I think of it as our test run. Finding out we are not compatible to live together would SUCK 3,000 miles from his home. If our relationship was geographically different, I think we would still live separately. Go YOU for being so independent and mindful!! 🙂
Geez, it’s totally the opposite with my BF and me. My lease was up after we’d been dating for 1.5 months, so I moved in … and also we met at work and work together in a small (~20 people) business.
However, my “problem” is hiding things. I won’t talk about working out, changing my diet, being messy. I can’t hide when we live together, though! It’s often uncomfortable, but I’m closer with him than any BF in the past. 🙂
What a great post ! I’m saving to buy a house with my boyfriend next year. I’m 29 and I’m so so glad I had my twenties to learn, grow and discover who I am instead of being influenced by someone else.
Thank you for writing a really interesting article 🙂
Thanks Kate! Best of luck to you babe.
Very wise words. It does seem like everything is so rushed these days. I think the way you’ve done things has probably helped keep your relationship so great! Now you both have many new milestones to share and look forward to.
FIND SOMEONE YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT, NOT SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITH <3 <3 That's it really! 🙂
thank you for your insightful post, I appreciate your perspective! I feel the same way, I want to live independently before I live with my boyfriend. Partly to prove to myself I can make it on my own, and to learn more about myself. But my boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and in planning to move out after I’m done my degree, I know he’s going to be over more often than not. Like you, I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don’t see the rush to move in before marriage. He sees it differently, but is supportive. I suppose my question for you is how did you set boundaries? Or what advice do you have for living independently in a long term relationship?
I love this! ♡
This was an inspirational post for me! I’m always trying to rush through life and think years ahead of schedule. I’ve really been trying to just get through the day without thinking too far into the future. Thank you for this!
This is exactly what my, now husband, and I did. We dated for 8 years and got married last month, I’m now 27 and he’s 29. He asked me to move in, but I wanted to have my independence and wanted something that would be new and different after we got married. And exactly what you said, why would I voluntarily start doing someone’s laundry and cleaning before I absolutely had to, I don’t care how much you love someone, that’s just crazy! I will say, because I waited to move in (to his house) until after the wedding, it was unbelievably stressful and unsettling to have my stuff in a bunch of different places for a while, with all the post-wedding & honeymoon taking up lots of our time! So excellent choice Lauryn! Congratulations!
You are spot on about this. I lived with my EX for 9 months when I was 23 and it was the WORST experience of my life, especially because we broke up during that time. I’m so scarred from the experience that I haven’t been in a relationship since (I’m 25 now) and have no plans to be in one for another 2-3 years. I can’t even imagine living with a significant other again until marriage.
I love this post! I have had a very similar experience. My boyfriend of 2 yrs and I both have our own places and we love it. It seems like everyone is in a rush these days to move in together/get married/etc. but I am only 23 and want to really enjoy my 20s, just like you said.
P.S. I just discovered your blog and am excited to follow along 🙂
My situation is different/.. dealing with roommates.
I want to have roommates, its fun and much more affordable however I am having a hard time dealing with different.. ‘housekeeping habits’ for lack of better word. We never fight, I love my roomie but I also cannot stand dishes left out, her clothes in the drier for days.. etc the list goes on. Did you live with roommates in college and how did you deal?
I live with my boyfriend of three years. We’ve been living together for a little over a year. Prior to my relationship I was adamant about not moving in with a partner before marriage. But I don’t regret moving in with him. There are some difficulties. He’s messy when I’d prefer things to be clean. Sometimes I want to be alone and he’s all up in my face. But we actually have such different schedules that sometimes the only time we get to spend together is at home. So I personally cherish it.
He’s in the military and will be finishing out the last of his obligation this year. I’m going to have about 6-months of living on my own once he deploys. I’m not looking forward to that. But I also look at it as my little streak of independence before ultimately settling down. Once he returns we will likely start thinking about marriage.
I don’t feel like I missed out on anything by living with him. I still have my life, he still has his. We have different interests so we go do our own thing and know that we can come home and be together.
I love this. I wish I would have seen it sooner. I had the perfect cute little 1 bedroom apartment and moved out of it to move into a house with my boyfriend. I love him, but honestly I felt pressured. I liked living alone! Would it be horrible to move out on my own again? I love him and want to be with him, but I’m only 25. I feel like I need to just enjoy my 20’s like you said. Enjoy being alone some nights and having him slumber sometimes. I wish I wouldn’t have felt pressured and was able to stay in my apartment longer.
We’ve been dating for four years and we got engaged last month. We lived in our own places till now and at the end of September we are moving in together. Not living together while dating was a good decision, it’s so normal ‘to go home and shut your own door ‘ as you said, without having all those responsibilities too early. Greets!
Sooo, I just came across this post — I completely agree with you! right now I’m in that mid spot where I live half the week at my parents and half with my boyfriend at his parents home. its nice since I have two homes and get to split time with both families; buuuut with that being said we are in those steps where we’ve been saving to buy something together, for it to be OUR home. is it healthy what ive been doing now? “halfsies” living? seeing if I can “stand” “enjoy” “like” even living and sleeping with the person now until its a 100% “you and me” kinda thing?
Love your posts btw!
xo
🙂
I know this is an old post but THANK YOU! I feel the exact same way as you, and have been feeling pressure from other people (not in my relationship) to just move in with him. I love my man dearly, but I feel like this is the last point in my life where I get to be an independent woman (a la Destiny’s Child). I really appreciate your honesty!
This is… amazing. I just got turned onto your blog and I’m drinking it in like crazy. Thanks for your honesty. This is so very me.