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Navigating The Girl Scene, Part 1: Do I Want Her? Or Do I Want To Be Her?

Navigating The Girl Scene with Zara Barrie

Happy Sunday everyone.

As you may know, June is pride month, & in honor of that Zara Barrie is back with a 3 part series on navigating the girl scene. If you’ve ever found yourself crushing on a girl, whether you’re heterosexual or not, this post is for you.

In this post Zara talks about an experience with her friend & how to dissect any feelings you have if you’re crushing on a woman- like, is it a real crush or is this just a cool chick you’re drawn to? Zara gets into it.

If you haven’t met Zara before, let me give you a refresh.

She has been on The Skinny Confidential 4 times before! Not only is she an amazing writer & storyteller, she also keeps it real, raw & honest. She loves writing about taboo subjects & that’s one of the reasons I love it when she comes on the blog.

She’s an author ( Girl, Stop Passing Out In Your Makeup: The Bad Girl’s Guide To Getting Your Sh*t Together ), writer, & entrepreneur.

If you missed her very first post on The Skinny Confidential, be sure to check it out here. You’ll learn so much about her!

With that, let’s welcome Zara Barrie back to the blog.

Navigating The Girl Scene, Part 1: Do I Want Her? Or Do I Want To Be Her?


how to dissect your feeling for a girl

“I don’t know what to do!” My friend Alice cooed to me, breathlessly, at a boozy Sunday brunch a few weeks back.

“What’s going on?” I asked, taking a liberal swig of my classy 11 a.m. champagne.

Alice’s pale white cheeks metamorphosed into a melodramatic fire engine red. “I’ve developed, um, feelings for someone. I think.” 

“Amazing! It’s been forever since you liked someone. I was going to suggest you become a priest so at least you can get paid for your celibacy!” Wicked, I know, but true. Alice hadn’t been excited about a guy since a greasy-faced fuckboy named Cameron ruthlessly ripped her heart out of her chest & proceeded to stomp all over it in his ugly fuckboy loafers, well over a year ago. 

“I know.” Alice’s pale blue eyes glittered in the sunshine. It felt like a lifetime since I saw my dear friend so shiny & alive.

“So?” I pried, suddenly ravenous for the details. I love a good gushing session with a girlfriend over eggs benedict & champagne on a Sunday. Don’t you? 

“Well. Um. I don’t know.” She tugged at the sleeves of her cashmere sweater. 

“GIVE ME THE TEA! What’s his name? Spill, bitch!” 

Alice took a deep breath & slugged back the remains of her champagne. “The name. The name is…Melinda.” She stammered shifting her eyes downward toward her pilates-toned thighs.

“A dude named Melinda?” He must be from Nantucket or somewhere really bougie where they give boys names like COURTNEY. 

“Melinda isn’t a dude,” Alice murmured. 

Her words hung heavy in the air. Even though I’m a seasoned lesbian writer who has published over 2,000 essays on the internet about this sort of thing; I found myself stunned. Alice had come flying out of her mother’s womb boy-crazy. She was the kind of girl who spent all of middle school feverishly collaging her bedroom walls with magazine clippings of boys in bands. The kind of girl who tripped over her own jaw when we saw Leonardo DiCaprio at The Ivy in Beverly Hills. The kind of girl who after the third glass of wine can’t help but ( loudly ) profess her love of blow-jobs.

But alas, I also happen to know that sexuality is gorgeously nuanced & Alice needed guidance.

“I see,” I said calmly, channeling my inner-doctor. I envisioned a stethoscope around my neck. “You’ve got feelings for Melinda. A woman.” 

“I do Zara & I’m freaking out about it! I need your help! Desperately!”

“I’ve got you.” I purred, dropping the doctor act. “Can we please get a side of truffle fries,” I asked, flagging down our waiter. I might not know everything but I do know this: truffle fries can help calm the nerves of even the most sexually confused of girls. “Oh & some more champagne?” As does champagne

“I don’t even know if it’s real?” Alice mused, twisting a shiny lock of bright blonde hair around her ring finger. 

I nodded my head in understanding.

I might have been caught off guard but this wasn’t my first rodeo. My DMs overflow with panicked messages from girls like Alice. “Straight” women who have found themselves ~unexpectedly~ weak in the knees for the same gender. And even though I’ve been exclusively dating women since my early twenties, I get it. When you’ve been reared in a culture that’s aggressively conditioned you to lust after Alex — finding yourself feverishly fantasizing over Alexa — can be a total mindfuck.

“Oh. & thank you for ordering champagne & truffle fries,” Alice whispered gratefully, her lips finally twisting into a smile.

We spent the rest of lunch analyzing Alice’s irrepressible infatuation with Melinda, an out lesbian she’d befriended at a pilates class downtown. Two hours, two glasses of champagne & two orders of truffle fries later; Alice felt released from the shackles of uncertainty. By the end of lunch, she was sure her crush on Melinda was most definitely real. 

So my lovelies, if you’ve ever been curious as to why your heart skips a beat when Gianna — the swaggy personal trailer from down the hall sexily purrs “hiii” to you in the elevator of your building — you’ve clicked into the right article.

If you’ve found yourself suddenly seething with jealousy over your lesbian best friend’s new girlfriend & are feeling very UNCLEAR as to what your newfound territorial nature means — stay with me.

If you’re wondering if you want to be with your cool new coworker with the short hair & the skinny jeans & the badass motorcycle boots. Or if you just want to be her — relax, babe.

If you ever found yourself even *slightly* curious as to what that tiny twinge of excitement you feel between your thighs is, when a picture of Ruby Rose pops up on your Instagram feed — cozy up on the couch & keep reading.

Now that you’ve made it this far you’re officially under my lesbian big sister wing, & you’re safe here. I promise. & girl crushes just happen to be my area of expertise.  

Navigating The Girl Scene

But before we go any further, it’s imperative that you first, chill the fuck out.

But I’ve never had feelings for a WOMAN before. Why are these feelings SPRINGING UP NOW? But I don’t even look like LESBIANS ON TV, how can I possibly be bi or gay? ALSO WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?! GAHHH!

These are the kinds of questions that all so often swirl through the flummoxed brains of “heterosexual” women who’ve been socked in the gut by an unexpected crush on a girl. & it makes sense! When your sexual appetite suddenly takes a turn in the opposite direction, of course, it’s going to be jarring.

If you’ve only ever craved meat, & one night find yourself repulsed by the idea of steak & instead overcome with a primal hankering for tuna tartare — which has NEVER tickled your fancy in the past — it’s only natural to question your body’s sudden change of heart. But I’m here to tell you to calm the fuck down & order whatever the fuck you want.

Yes, your friends & family might be shocked to see you, the quintessential carnivore, sink your teeth into a piece of raw fish — but also, who cares? No one actually dies of shock, you know. & this is your life. What if the tuna tartar is so mind-blowingly amazing you never care to eat steak again? Wouldn’t you want to know? 

Real talk: The fact that you’ve been “strictly dickly” for the past twenty years doesn’t mean that your newfound attraction to a woman isn’t real. Sexuality is fluid. What rendered us satisfied yesterday just might not satiate us today. The truth is we’re always evolving & changing, if we’re really living life.

Sometimes we undergo massive change career changes.

…Or grow tired of our beloved towns & venture to brand new cities. Or become attracted to an entirely different gender. Personally, I find it cool to be struck by something out of the ordinary. It means life still has the ability to surprise us. 

& oh, you’re worried about the authenticity of your queerness because you don’t look like lesbians you see on TV? Girl. I wear sky-high heels & have long hair & don’t leave the house without heaps of mascara adorning my lashes, & guess what? I’m as queer as a three-dollar bill. Repeat after me: Style & sexuality are two different things. Fashion is merely window dressing; it doesn’t dictate what’s inside the store.

But for now, silence all the *outside* noise that’s distracting you from honoring the truth. Because none of it matters. All that matters is how you feel right now.

Listen to your body.

When you think about her, does your heart sink into your knees? Do you feel buzzy & elated inside? & most importantly; do you feel hot & tingly & lust-ridden when you envision kissing her? Because there’s only one way to actually know if you’ve got genuine feelings for a woman: Can you imagine having sex with her ( even if you aren’t quite sure what lesbian sex is )? Does the idea of peeling off her clothes & rolling around the sheets with her excite you? Does it make you nervous — in a good way? 

Or does the notion of girl sex render you wildly uncomfortable & turned-off? If you feel a dark uneasiness deep in your core & can only imagine — maybe — holding hands with her — your crush likely is void of having romantic legs. 

Maybe she’s just the coolest girl you’ve ever met. Maybe she’s the kind of girl you secretly want to be. Or maybe you’re turned on by the attention she gives you. & you know what? All of that is awesome.

There are so many magnetic girls in the world & it’s easy to be intoxicated by fierce queer girl swag.

But if you don’t want her, sexually, it’s not something to pursue.

Girl/girl dating isn’t a platonic game. Lesbian dating culture actually oozes with sexual energy. We don’t just sit around snuggling by outdoor fires singing along to the Indigo Girls — we have sex. Explosive sex ( more on that coming soon! ).

It’s simply not fair to lead on the well-meaning lesbian & bisexual women out there — women who are sure of who they are & what they like — if you’re not certain you’re attracted to them. I’ve been on the other side of this, & honey. It royally sucks to be led on by someone who doesn’t want to even kiss you. 

On the contrary, if the idea of sex with your crush sends a fabulous shiver down your spine; I think it’s safe to say your crush is one hundred percent authentic. 

So now that we know how you feel & where you stand, it’s time to take action, darling! So sit tight because in my next post your lez big sis is going to tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to know about lez dating.

We’ll go over everything: How to make the first move, dating etiquette, do’s & don’ts, online dating & more. Purr! I can’t wait. & always, feel free to DM me any pressing questions you have in the meantime. 

Happy Pride Month! 




Stay tuned for Zara’s other posts in this series: The Newbies Guide to Lesbian Dating & Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Lesbian Sex.

In the meantime, be sure to follow @zarabarrie & scope her other posts on The Skinny Confidential:

How to grow up & get your shit together but keep your wild side

Self medicating the pain

Looking the pain in the eye

Self forgiveness & freedom

x, lauryn

+ check out this post on how to go down on her like a pro.

++ if you’re looking to spice it up in the bedroom, you gotta try sexy stranger.


  1. Thank you for having me on! It’s always an honor! Happy Pride month to all!

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