A lot of you guys have e-mailed me about relationship advice…& to be honest, it’s tough to go ‘there’ because everyone’s different. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Maybe you’re perfectly single or in a relationship where it’s all butterflies & rainbows or dating a jealous/insecure douche or maybe you’re even happily married. I guess whatever your relationship status stands, advice on the topic varies from person to person.
If I had to give one general tip though?
Whelp, first off let me preface the advice: obviously I can be…opinionated.
I mean, HA! Shocker, right? If you guys read TSC, you know this…no surprise there.
On that note, I’ll share my opinion which is simple: DON’T SETTLE.
DON’T SETTLE for some loser who doesn’t treat you right, a person who’s mean to your dog, someone who doesn’t think you’re the best thing to hit the planet, a person with no ambition, someone who’s going to hold you back from your deepest passion, and/or a 24/7 grump.
Michael encourages my best self. He challenges me ( which can be pretty annoying sometimes ) & supports my passions. He holds my door open & in general, makes me feel special. He likes to lay in bed while watching “Orange is the New Black” with Pixy & me on a Friday night. His integrity is inspiring & his wit makes me laugh. These qualities are very, very important to me.
Like I said, to me.
Those qualities may not be important to you.
In fact, maybe they’re boring to you.
And that’s ok because we’re all different humans, but whatever those important relationship qualities are, make sure you stick to your damn guns. Like I said, don’t settle for less & don’t compromise especially if it’s an unhealthy situation.
Maybe you want a guy ( or girl— (Guys: listen up, this is for you too) ) who has impeccable manners, knows how to cook a mean steak, likes to party hardy and dance to house music, or is super affectionate/touchy-feely.
WTF it is that floats your boat, don’t stop until you find the person who keeps you inspired.
There’s a funny-ass quote that says, “I’m very easily satisfied, I’m always content with the best.” Basically, it’s my mantra in relationships. If you’re not in a relationship that’s the BEST for YOU, then get out.
Like ‘N Sync said “bye bye bye.” But seriously, buh-byeeeeee! If a guy/girl sucks AKA they’re negative/mean/rude/cruel/abusive/ignorant, don’t put up with it. At the end of the day by staying with that person, you’re technically enabling bad behavior.
Also, by the way— I’ve been there. I’ve definitely been with guys who were less than stellar. Trust me. One was angry every second of everyday ( yawn, bye ) & another one was a total mooch/user ( there’s been others too ). Pretty much, I made a very conscious decision to leave each relationship because those qualities didn’t fly with me. Besides settling in those unhealthy relationships wouldn’t have worked ultimately.
Point: simply don’t settle for anything less than you believe you deserve. At the end of the day, your partner is a reflection of YOU. They’re on YOUR team. And you’re on THEIR team.
Choose wisely.
P.S. I know a lot of you are happily married ( congrats! ) & I’d to know: what makes your marriage unique? And a step further: what advice can you recommend to single girls or to someone in a negative relationship?
Spillllllllll.
xx lauryn
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Love this!!!!! Keep sharing!!!
I really like this post 🙂
I am a lifestyle blogger writing about NYC, my other trips and lifestyle inspiration. I just wrote a blog post about my bucket list, if you’d like to find out more, check out my blog 🙂
http://jovanamiljanovic.com
You know what I love about you? You ALWAYS seem concerned about your dog/furry baby. One of your first relationship ‘rules’ was not to be with a guy who’s mean to your dog. In my eyes, the amount we care for animals is the absolute best barometer of how decent we are. BTW, my husband and I have been happily married for years and our mutual feeling that our pets are our babies (though only I would say it like that) definitely has been important to keeping us happy together.
My advice… Marry your best friend & everyday think ‘what can I do to make my Husband happy’…
Congrats on the engagement!
I’m 29, I got married two years ago. I think you should treat people how you would like to be treated. I take a big interest in my husband’s career and interests and I’m his life cheerleader. In turn, he’s exactly the same to me! 🙂
If someone appears to not be fully engaged or interested when you’re talking about your ideas, interests and passions, then walk away – forevs! If they don’t care / try to get it now, there’s no way they will after 10 years of marriage!
Bottom line, if you have more bad days than good days… Well, that ratio ain’t gonna improve as time goes on! You deserve better, so go out and get it 🙂
I’m not in a relationship at the moment…but I love reading post like this….as it gives me hope..my time will come!!
http://vodkaandarose.blogspot.co.uk
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Yes to everything you said! It’s so difficult to break up with someone when you find out that the charming exterior didn’t actually reflect the person within and I think girls in particular can be quite reluctant to hurt someone else’s feelings and put themselves first. But we all need to learn to make ourselves the priority and start stamping out bad behaviour. It’s helping everyone in the end after all!
xxx
Lucy @ La Lingua : Life in Italy
Haha,
I’ve just started watching ‘Orange is the New Black’ and I’m totally addicted.
Unfortunately (or fortunately! depending on how you’re looking at it!) I’m a single pringle so it’s more of a PJ’s & ice cream on a Saturday night forever-alone kinda deal
But I’ve got standards and I’m cool with that! I would rather wait and be with the right person then settle for the wrong one for the sake of being in a relationship. Girls gotta stick to her values and there are some things I won’t settle for (Namely, being an asshole) so I really like this post!
🙂 Fifi x
http://www.Fifisdiary.com
I am 31, and I can finally proudly say, (it took me a while to ok with this), that I have been single since I was 23! Yes, I’ve dated PLENTY, even dated one person for a month, but full on bf/gf? Not since I was 23 (I’m thinking about starting my own blog about this.) Maybe I’m too picky, but I refuse to settle!!! I’ve been dealt the hand that, I attract men that I have apsolutly no attraction to, even though I’ve tried, and The men I like, aren’t into me. I know I’ll find a great match, and that’ll be it. The good side of it? While I’ve been single that long, I’ve evolved, and grown so comfortable in my own skin!
So theres that:)
Great post and I couldn’t agree more!!
My husband and I where together for 6 years and lived together for 3 years before we got married this past NYE and we honestly believed that our relationship wouldn’t change. What we both figured out is that nothing changed but everything changed!
What I mean by that is marriage enhances our relationship…the best and the worst parts….cause let’s face it we all have flaws. Only being married for 6 months we are learning to communicate on a level we didn’t before because we are now “homies for life” lol
Guess that’s my advice for folks taking the plunge…expect your relationship to grow and with growth in the beginning there are always little growing pains…that was the advice my mom gave me and I expect she knows her stuff…she’s been happily married to my dad for 40 years 🙂
Thanks for that insight! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and we’ve lived together for 4 1/2 years. I guess I always figured that when we get married it would be the same as it is now.
Awesome advice! I’ve been in all those types of relationships too…. #college lol I’m only 9 months into the married life but my best advice is pick you battles – sure he still leaves empty almond milk containers in the fridge so I have no clue we need more BUT he does SO much more sweet things day in and day out that I’d rather just deal than nag! Also, always be the best version of yourself, take care of you first (in a non selfish way) so you can take care of him – emotionally and physically 😉 XO
Oh chica… I literally just broke up with someone yesterday! I haven’t felt so at peace and serene in years… it’s definitely soul-saving (if that’s even a term hahaha) to give yourself a break and be a zen single than spread yourself thin in an unsatisfactory relationship.
LOVE this! We will be married two years in October (together for 6!) and our biggest advice for all relationships is to have a constant and open flow of communication and hold that person to the highest level of respect. We went into our relationship both from an absolute no bullshit perspective and it’s worked beautifully for us ever since. We are so, so happy and more in love than ever. I wrote some advice about it here for anyone who is interested 🙂
http://yeartwoandbeyond.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-first-year-of-marriage.html
Congrats again, Lauryn! You and Michael look like a couple that truly respects and cherishes one another!
I’m learning that distance makes the heart grow founder. My husband has a new job and has to travel for work and while he is away we talk every day, but I can’t wait for him to come home and same goes for him. It gives us a chance to breathe and miss each other. We’ve been married for 6 years and together for 14 and are happier then ever right now.
My husband and are very fortunate that we are both quick to get over things and apologize. We have had very few fights last longer than a couple hours because one of us is always willing to make peace. It’s made for really harmonious living.
I am married, and I have to say that my husband and I owe it all to good communication! It’s just so key to talk things out.. I know sometimes I talk it out too much, perhaps, but when something is bothering either of us, we need to hash it out! Also, similar goals and morals.. You need to know you have the same general life plan, although that may mold into something different than you originally expected, you want to know that you can grow into it together, and not apart. (if you want to get married and have kids, and he says he doesn’t, or if you have such a strong desire to travel, and he has no desire to leave your city..)
If you’re in a relationship where you don’t have those things, get out! There’s just no reason to waste time with someone who isn’t on the same page as you.
married 22 years in september…2 kids (almost 20 and almost 17)…just celebrated 50th birthday. here’s my 2 cents: learn to embrace the other’s IMPERFECTION. now, i’m not saying “settle” for being treated badly or living sadly. i’m just saying that you shouldn’t try to “fix” everything. let things go. breathe. and laugh. alot. if you’re not laughing, you need to be leaving.
It’s cliche but girls need to know how to love themselves and be totally comfortable with themselves before they can truly be in a healthy functional relationship. Anyways, this was a great post.
Quick background: I’m 31 and married my high school crush, who didn’t know I existed until we met at a tailgate when I was 24. We’ve been married for over 2 years and we recently went on a vacation where people assumed we were honeymooners. We’re very affectionate and lovey-dovey and all that crap.
My marriage advice: fight until you make absolutely no sense and start laughing at your pointless points you’re trying to win the argument with. V and I barely fight but when we do, we start laughing within fifteen minutes or less (most of the time, it’s me making a stupid comment that makes zero sense). Couples fight…it’s going to happen…just make sure you don’t go to bed angry.
Pride ruins marriages! Do not let it creep in and smother it.
Be your spouses BFF.
Date nights (even a low key walk through the park near your house leave your kids with a sitter) are a great way to stay connected.
Do not compare your marriage to your friend’s marriages. It doesn’t help your marriage in any way shape or form.
This is advice from a woman who has been with the same man for 10 years, married for 4 years and recently made a beautiful baby girl almost 8 months ago. #teammusumeci #weliveforeachother
My husband and I have been married for almost one year. We have had ups and downs, terrible fights, wonderful moments of bliss and happiness, struggles and peace. Life is ever moving and you will change and your partner will change – this is inevitable. What keeps us strong and unique is we are COMMITTED to each other. Some days he will be not his best self, and some days it will be my turn. This does NOT mean we toss each other aside in search for something better. We work at our marriage. We are loyal to each other, and most importantly we try, try, try.
Trying new things together is key. Travel – even if it is just to a different areas in your neighborhood. See your partner in different situations and circumstances.
Tell your partner you love them EVERY DAY, even if you don’t always feel it. You chose this person because you KNEW that they were the perfect person for you, it’s important to tell them that.
Let fights go. Don’t hold onto grudges and bad feelings. Negativity kills love.
There is no such thing as 10 steps to a perfect marriage. You have to learn and discover what works best for you. Our marriage has not only taught me a lot about my partner, but I have learned so much about myself – and that is priceless.
GREAT GREAT GREAT SOUND ADVICE!
Hi Lauryn,
You seem to have a very healthy and strong sense of self. Where do you think you get that from? Are there specific role models in your life? Do you have any advice on how one can develop that?
Much thanks!
You should really like being around the person, and look forward to every moment you have together. I’ve been married two years and some of my more favorite moments are the weeknight evenings on the couch in my pajamas, when all I have to do is chat with my husband.
Great post and I am sure that you will inspire many of your readers to finally break up with the loser they have been with for way too long. Thanks for sharing!
Best advice for single people:
“Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.”
Love it!
I’m not married, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. And I think as much as it’s about FINDING the right person, it’s also about BEING the right person. You have to be in a place where you’re mentally and emotionally capable of supporting a relationship. You have to be mature enough to set your own needs aside for someone you love sometimes, because you know that they do the same for you. And you have to communicate, openly and freely – and most importantly – in a way the other person can understand.
I think most relationships I’ve seen fail have failed because they aren’t doing one of those three things. Hmmm… maybe this calls for a post idea!
-Lindsay from Dearest Darling
Great post. Totally agree with the “don’t settle” mantra, life’s too short.
I’ve been married for just over a month now, been with my now husband (that still looks weird, lol) for seven years. I would have to say what makes our marriage unique is that we are complete opposites, and that he works 24 hour shifts on a regular basis. That probably seems like a weird detail but to have your husband gone for a full day can both be a blessing and a curse. If he picks up overtime he can be gone anywhere from two days to five days. So far it really works well for us, but I think once kids enter the picture it will definitely be an adjustment!
The number one piece of advice I would recommend to single girls or to someone in a negative relationship, is that you can’t do anything before you’re ready. I’m a very instinctual person, I go with my gut and what I feel in my bones is right. My husband and I had a pretty rocky first few years (ages 19-21, surprise surprise!) and there were times where girlfriends would tell me to leave him or play hard to get, etc. and that’s just not my style. I am not easily influenced and if I feel pressured to do something I will usually do the opposite. My mom was always my biggest champion and always encouraged me to take some time to reflect and never pressured me to do anything unless I was ready and confident in my choice. So if I could say one thing it would be to always trust yourself, and go with your gut!
I completely agree that you should not settle. At the same time, I think you also need to be able to accept that no one is perfect. If you can accept and almost admire your partner’s imperfections than you are more likely to have a lasting relationship 🙂
Loved this post!! Congrats on your engagement!
I’m 28 and have been married for 3 years, and I would say that, without a doubt, they have been the best years of my life. Not because everything is perfect or easy (it isn’t!), but because life is so much better when you are with the raddest person on the planet. My advice would be, spend your life with that guy/girl who you literally think is the coolest, kindest, strongest, most creative/awesome/beautiful/fun person you have ever met. Sometime I look at Tim and think, HOLY F – how did I find the best person in the world? Obviously, this is my very unbiased opinion… 😉 Also, I would say it is really helpful to look at bumps in the road as opportunities to grow together instead of as failures.
XO!
LOVE this post. keep the personal ones coming!
would also like to hear the advice for single girls if you get any feedback!
I love this post Lauryn and congratulations on your engagement! I recently got married to my Mr Right and the mantra I have always respected: never marry a man unless you’d be happy to have a son just like him.
I think this applies to relationships, married or not. No one is perfect but find that person who is perfect for you. Whatever that may be.
Wishing everyone beautiful relationship blessings xx
Amen Sister! Your love seems like an incredible guy, I am so happy you found love!
I love this post. SO helpful and uplifting! I just ordered your book as well so I’m looking forward to reading it!!
Hands down thee best relationship advise everrrrrrrr! Luck for me I learned this at the tender age of 19 and met the man of my dreams at 20! 12 years later I’m still as happy as a clam!
I totally and whole-heartly agree with this, Lauryn. I had a boyfriend, my 1st “real” boyfriend actually, and we were together for like 2 years or something. It was the most miserable I’ve been, but I felt like I was nothing without him. I became clingy and he was very verbally and emotionally abusive. He finally broke it off and I was a disaster. I knew he cheated on me without him telling me or me finding out because he was in a relationship with a new girl a few days later. I’ve learned many mini clingy relationships later that I don’t need to go for every guy that I liked. They are just better of as friends, especially within the first few months of just getting to know them. My boyfriend of 4 and a half years { and that’s hinting of proposing soon 😉 } was actually a friend for over a year. That was my lesson learned from that. Tough, but it led me to the right guy. <3
Never put pressure on your relationship or yourself for that matter. I was never in a rush to get married and then one day I met the love of my life. Love yourself and do YOU and everything else will fall into place.
L:
One of my fave posts yet…and that’s saying something. I am SO happy for you guys…lots of memories and pretty much every one it was obv that you guys were made for eachother <3 That type of love is so rare and if you're lucky comes once in a lifetime. It's so inspiring to SO many women to hear your advice & personal stories. Love the comments too…there's a piece that's soo relatable in all of em. You always told the girls never to settle…it sure as F stuck with me and now look! So proud of u and love u <3
Love the post–now give us the deets on that rock!!
This is a great post! Having been together for 6 years with my ex, married for 4 years, and now getting a divorce I feel like the biggest mistake people make is rushing into things. I got married very young (19 yikes!) and at such a young age it is hard to grasp what FOREVER really means. My advice to anyone is to take things slowly and really get to know the person that you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you truly believe that you will spend the rest of your life and grow old with this person, then what’s the rush? I just hope I can follow my own advice next time (I am a hopeless romantic!). Great post though! I love the message!
xo Danielle
I was in a serious relationship for four years… I realized I was settling. It wasn’t a “bad” relationship, just not the guy that made me over the top happy. Flash forward a few years and I’m now happily married to a wonderful man. He’s the most supportive person I have ever met. Never a day passes that he doesn’t make me laugh… Advice: DON’T SETTLE. YOU are in charge of your own happiness. Don’t listen to others, only you know what you want. Also, once in a relationship, take some time for you and have your own thing.
Ahhh this post makes my life. I just turned 24 and have been in my first real relationship for the past four months. I met my current boyfriend at 19, started talking last july and finally got together in February.
I am the last out of all my friends to do this whole relationship thing, something I never thought I was cut out for. I was secretly lucky. I observed, read and reflected thanks to all those around me. Their successes and failures taught me a lot. My bf and I are long distance, something else I said I would never do. But distance does make the heart grow fonder and we recently went to a wedding where a lady pulled us aside, asked if we were married and told us we were a hot couple. Our love and passion for each other is evident and contagious. I pray it never fades.
Long distance relationships force you to communicate. I laugh more with him and every convo counts. It is GREAT practice for marriage. What I learned is that I grew more collectively then I ever have or will individually in such a short span of time. Dreams go from individual to collective and that is an awesome realization. Never a day even though I never see him have I felt we are not mentally connected or that I am settling. Every quality you all have listed is there. The days I feel I am not strong enough to bear the challenges of this relationship, knowing these things keeps me going and he ALWAYS tells me to hold on.
Long distance or not, being mentally connected is a huge thing for a successful relationship.
<3
I totally agree. However, I’m in an awesome relationship that went through some not so awesome times. Things actually got quite bad and I experienced things that I was absolutely convinced that I would never put up with and would never forgive. But here I am. As I mature and become more confident in myself, I also become much more aware of how imperfect I am, and that I can’t hold other people to some standard. Love is complicated!
I couldn’t agree more with this post! and if i had to pick you piece of advice this would be it to! Wish i could have read this before my first year of college because unfortunately i had to figure this out the hard way AKA dated too many douches. I think the quote from one of my favorite books Perks Of Being A Wallflower inspires this article……” You accept the love you think you deserve”
I Love this advice, it’s so obvious but so overlooked and sometimes we under evaluate ourselves and our worth, everyone deserves the best for themselves! Xo
It’s so nice to see you do a post on love. You and M seem to have such a strong relationship and even reading what attributes he has that you are just smitten over was completely tailored to y’all and gives those warm fuzzies! I also love how strong to your opinions you are. Your motivating posts rock and I completely +100000 to not settling. It’s simple advice yet completely poignant and hits the nail on the head. Also agree on the animal thing. I may sound like a total psycho but if my cat doesn’t like you (generally speaking!) or you’re mean to my cat (zero tolerance for anyone mean to animals in general, but negative tolerance for my own sweet pet), you’re out of here. I strongly believe that animals have an intuition with people and their character.
I’m not married but in a very committed and best relationship of my life. What makes him stand out from the rest, I could write a book, there are three that stand out:
ONE is that we do not tell each other how to live our life. He 100% lives his life and I 100% live mine so when we are together, it is 200%, rather than us both giving 50/50. Does that make sense? Don’t get me wrong, we are together constantly but in a way, it’s extremely mutually flattering because we know we are there because we want to be, not because we feel obligated. We have an inside (yet true!) joke that we are the President of each other’s fan clubs. TWO, the most important thing in any relationship is communication. He is the most effortless relationship I’ve been in because we never wonder where we stand, how the other person feels and are constantly a champion in the others’ absence. THREE and finally, we are very protective of our time together. I don’t know how to explain that (he has a very demanding job and I find I’m constantly busy doing who the F knows what but I’m always on the move) so when we have QT away from work/life, it’s a luxury. We are a huge fan of staycations or even vacations if time allows. Again, we are together constantly, but to have that uninterrupted time together is truly priceless. A friend/sorority sister, who’s in a fabulous marriage, gave me that advice (re: both be mutually protective of your time together) so that’s advice I would pass on, too.
My advice for single girls (& guys!): real (wo)men commit. Do NOT waste your time and respect for a girl/guy who is giving you everything that you’d get in a relationship… Except for the title.
I absolutely love this post! It reminds me of my own relationship with my boyfriend. I not only learn to be better, but also learn so much more about love from him. Thanks for sharing.
Honeymoon every year, date night every week, “I love you’s” every day
I heard this recipe for a lasting and loving marriage years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. The couple who shared this advice with me has been together for 20 years and still look at each other like the other person hung the moon – very sweet, had to share!
Thank you for this. I recently had been dealing with someone on and off who doesn’t put in the effort that I feel I deserve and I was constantly making excuses for him, but this article helped me realize I deserve to to find someone who is going to put in the extra effort and make me feel like a priority in their life. It is hard since I dont like the idea of being alone but if they aren’t treating us the way we think we should be treated its time to say “bye.”! Thank you for this article!
I love this post! It is sooooo important to remember not to settle. My mom and I talk about it all the time. It’s also something that if you realize it when you are younger the better.
http://www.makedafarrell.com
So needed this now! Thanks, Lauryn. You guys are an inspiration.
I TOTALLY agree.. Never settle! I’ve been with my guy for going on 8 years now, but married for 7 months ❤️ I can honestly say he’s my best friend.
My advice:
1. You’re each other’s #1 – Always!
2. You win some, you lose some. Get over it! And don’t let the anger over something stupid fester
3. It’s cliche but really, RESPECT EACH OTHER. Have enough sense to step back and to say, is what I’m doing selfish? Would he/she REALLY be okay with what I’m doing? No? Then DONT DO IT!
Simple tips really, but I think sometimes people forget the simple things.