When I was 18 years old my mom committed suicide.
My sister, Faye, was 13.
One Sunday after working at a local boutique I came home to find my dad & grandma on the couch, sobbing. My first instinct was that my grandfather died. Because that’s what happens when you’re in high school- your grandparents die, not your parents, right?
My dad, obviously not having the words, told me my mom killed herself.
You can imagine my family’s devastation. Devastation that years & years later I still can barely write about. Devastation that cuts you deep & turns your stomach so fucking hard that you want to throw up. Devastation that feels CRIPPLING.
Looking back on my childhood, my mom was beautiful, really funny, charismatic, & always the star of the party. She was the most amazing cook ever- every detail was perfect. I remember every night she would have this effortless but extravagant meal on the table accompanied by a huge chilled pitcher of strawberry/basil water. My mom loved lemons. She put them on everything. EVERYTHING! My dad & her met in high school. Together they opened a bunch of restaurants. The restaurants were the hot spots in town. My dad was always big picture, my mom was crazy about detail. She took care of her skin like no one I have ever seen & would FREAK OUT if I went outside without a hat or sunscreen. HA! Her advice to me was always, no matter what, to have my own thing. My mom read every night until midnight- books were stacked by her bed. And like I said, she was funny- real funny. Never took herself too seriously. If she were alive today she would be totally wanting to come on my blog- she was outgoing. She’d also be so proud of my sister, Faye, who has a one year old son, Daxton ( she LOVED babies! ). Michael & my mom knew each other very well too which is cool ( we went to the same school since we were 12 ). One thing I always remember was she was always kind, giving, & loved to laugh. Everything you’d want in a mother.
Unfortunately she was also very secretive.
Depression & anxiety became so unbearable she felt her only choice was to kill herself.
My mom- Wendy was her name, left behind her fiancé, brother, sister, dad, nephews, nieces, her ex-husband ( my dad ), so many friends, & me and my sister.
When someone commits suicide completely unexpectedly it takes the wind out of you. There’s so many questions. & it’s extremely isolating being left ‘behind.’
Of course my little sister was in junior high & I was in high school- and with that comes rumors. The whole situation was…hard.
The emotional rollercoaster of suicide & mental illness is one I hope you never you never have to ride. It’s one that causes you to feel it all. And feel it all at once: guilt, anger, sadness, regret, confusion, empathy.
At a very young age I realized that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go. And at the end of the day all you really have is a CHOICE…You can let adversity victimize you or fuel you.
I chose at 18 not to lead with this story.
And throughout my career as a blogger, I have chosen, very consciously, not to share this information on the Internet.
I mean I’ve been blogging for 8 years & I never felt the need to share any of this. This is my private business- why would I share something SO personal? Something that runs through my mind on daily basis that is really no one’s business? A piece of me that contains sadness, helplessness, & complete vulnerability. It’s mine to deal with.
But at the same time I am a chronic oversharer- always have been.
And both reasons have been nagging at me for months.
About a year ago I started to see a lot women who read The Skinny Confidential e-mailing me about their past. The e-mails were pages long about trauma, adversity, & everything in between. This is to be expected because I hope I have created a friendly, positive community. But I saw that a lot of the e-mails had a very specific theme: letting their past define their future.
I understood. All too well actually.
And in knowing I have a platform like this, it feels like I’m doing this community an injustice to not share my story. In fact, after reading so many gut-wrenching e-mails I felt I actually had to do this post.
I am not saying there’s anything wrong with feeling stuck after trauma. I am saying that I hope I can take a stance & be an example for anyone who is struggling & reads my blog. A gentle reminder that your past most definitely does not define your future.
To bullet point it: stop living in the story. Create the life YOU DESERVE. Become hungry, unstoppable, & thrive. Pain doesn’t have to stop you, it can drive you. Don’t settle. You can change anything in your life if you have the right mindset, tools & framework. So go NOW & create an extraordinary life.
( ^^^ All things I learned in this book– it really helped me ).
Another reason for this post is the facade of social media.
To be honest with you it’s absolutely exhausting to scroll through social platforms & see perfection mixed with basically zero vulnerability.
How many of us do this? Really? If we’re being real, I bet every single one of us puts up this sort of facade at one time or another.
Of course I am guilty of it myself…However, it’s time to shake that up.
My friend, Weslie of Double You Dot started a series called “The Magic of Vulnerability.”
I read it. Curled up behind the screen. Where no one could get to me. Or hear my own vulnerabilities. Warm & safe…or so I thought.
It was an epiphany.
Reading her be so open & vulnerable was fucking refreshing. I had this realization that if I wanted this social media facade to change, I “needed to be the change I wished to see.”
So. My reason #2 is to encourage other influencers in this space to speak up. Be more open. Share your story. Take a stance on something you care about. Fashion Week is great & all, but what’s your story? How can you impact your community? How can you change the dialogue in this space to go from macaroons, blowouts, flat-lays, & nail polish to VULNERABILITY & CONNECTION.
These were questions I asked myself- for a year straight, everyday.
For me, the year of 2018 is all about depth. Sure, there will be pretty posts. But there will also be vulnerability. Because that’s life- the good, the bad, & the ugly. I hope everyone in this space can pull the curtain aside- expose the (wo)man behind the curtain just like The Wizard of OZ– we all have one.
Through this post I am not looking for sympathy. If this post can be an example to the strong, incredible women reading that life doesn’t always go as you want it to & just because it doesn’t does not mean the adversity has to dictate your future, then I am happy.
You are in charge. You are the author of your life. Thrive in the face of trauma. LET IT FUEL YOU.
As Mark Manson says: “Trauma is not the ending it’s the beginning.
It turns out that trauma in our lives, in whatever form it takes, isn’t actually the thing that makes us “stronger” in this case. All those inspirational quotes with cheesy sunsets about enduring adversity and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” they all kind of mislead you into thinking that just enduring some form of hardship is enough to steel yourself against future hardship.
That’s not entirely true.
It’s what comes after the trauma that really matters. It’s not the survival of trauma that makes you stronger, it’s the work you put in as a result of the trauma that makes you stronger.
Traumatic experiences shake us to the core. They make us question our fundamental beliefs about the world and our place in it. They make us question the degree of benevolence and kindness and predictability in the world and of the people around us. Some traumas serve as stark reminders of our mortality, something most of us don’t want to think about.” { via }
In short, what work can we all put in as a result of trauma that will make us even stronger?
PHEW. OK. I’M EXHAUSTED.
But this feels good- to share. I’ll be here more often.
I wrote this post in 2 hours today because I have been thinking so deeply about this topic that I felt it didn’t need any curation- I wanted it to come from the heart. I will be very truthful here & say this was not easy to write. While shooting these photos today I actually got physically ill from the anxiety. It was painfully uncomfortable. But I felt it was very important to take my own advice & get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Life is hard sometimes. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.
Ultimately I appreciate all of you & I will continue to provide a platform that promotes women being the best damn version of themselves…bumps in the road & all.
Thanks for listening, lauryn X
+ If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, The Suicide Prevention Lifeline has 24/7, free & confidential support for people in distress, prevention, & crisis resources: 1-800-273-8255.
Thank you for this Lauryn, I’ve been thinking the exact same thing lately, make up, clothes and selfies are great but where’s the vulnerability and honestly in what people are putting out there. This is so refreshing and you are so brave for sharing. I’m sure this will help everyone who reads it in some way or another. Sorry for your loss, Christie x
Hi Lauryn, I have been reading your blog for years & have listened to your podcast since the beginning. I’ve always found you relate able, honest and true to yourself. This is the best post I’ve read for you because it is so raw and vulnerable. I commend and thank you for sharing such a difficult topic. I am terribly sorry for your loss and know how difficult it must have been to write this. This post is a reminder that we all have our shit, our own stories and our own selves behind closed doors and the facade of social media. Thank you again.
The best post I have ever read by anyone. Thank you for sharing, Lauryn <3
This is the most beautiful and crucial post you’ve written in your career. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Everyone sees your gloss and perfection — but this is what your audience needs to see and hear. I now understand why you’re so rooted in camaraderie, support and invincibility. I am so sorry for your loss.
What a powerful and beautiful post. So sorry for your loss. So strong of you to share as I bet it helped at least one person out.
I admire your bravery, Lauryn, and please know that your words have truly touched me today!
Thank you for sharing this. You are spot on that being vulnerable on social media is the way we can stay connected as humans. Otherwise, we risk isolating one another and fueling the “I’m the only one” fire. I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m heartened by how you’ve used what has happened in your life to propel you forward instead of holding you back.
Lauryn- I lost someone I was very close to (my best friend’s husband) to suicide last January… 13 months later I still feel paralyzed by sadness and pain for myself and for my best friend. I still cry randomly and what happened is never far from my mind. This post is such a well written reminder that these painful events don’t have to define us and that everybody has things that they try to cover up on social media. This post is something I needed and such a strong reminder of the community you’ve created. I’m so sorry for your loss
So much love L – you are more and more amazing every day <3
Thank you sharing Lauryn. <3 <3 <3
So much love and respect.
Thank you for sharing. We need more people to be open about mental health issues to release them from the stigma that they have become. I applaud your courage and hope that it gives others the confidence to share their stories as well.
Thank you Lauryn for sharing this part of your story. It’s very difficult to open up and be vulnerable but it inspires others to do the same.
LAURYN – THANK YOU FOR BEING A BEAMING LIGHT OF VULNERABILITY + STRENGTH. I cannot even fathom how much courage it took for you to sit down and write this and then click ‘post’ and send this facet of your life to the world. As someone who dealt with (fuck, continues to work through) addiction & mental health issues in a parent, knowing that there are other driven, beautiful, and strong women that have a similar story means so much! <3
Thank you so much for sharing – this was such a moving post <3
I can’t imagine how hard it was to go through this and share this with us. Thank you for creating this community and sharing with us!
Thank you for sharing this Lauryn. It is usually the most painful parts of our journey that shape us the most. Like you, I believe you can use the worst pain to produce the most good. Sending love your way. <3
Thank you for sharing this. I think it can and will help a lot of people and the message definitely resonates with me. Thank you!
Thank you so much for posting this! You are so strong and such an inspiration. I love when bloggers open up and talk about what’s really going on in their lives. I love seeing how women like you grow incredibly through struggles. Much love!!
You sharing this means SO much, you have no idea.
I have been reading your blog for years now & I am so thankful that you wrote this post. It was beautifully written and has touched many people. Social media certainly can be the “good stuff” only, and I agree that it is important to show our more vulnerable moments as that is truly what makes us human.
This is such an important post. You have so much strength and I couldnt agree more w the social media facade. We all go through very tough times and I think keeping the conversation open is important. Im so sorry for your loss. You are such a beautiful and real person. Its crazy how much the facebook group helps people with REAL TOUGH problems. thank you for creating a platform and doing shit like this. We love you!
You are such an inspiration to me and so many others. Thank you sharing this with us all. This is helping me so much today.
Thank you for sharing this. I cannot imagine how hard it was for you not only to share this, but to live this and my heart breaks for you and your family. You’re doing your community such a service by sharing this and reminding us that life is looking forward and positivity. So much love for you <3
wow. thanks for your bravery in changing the dialogue <3
Wow…. great post Lauryn!
Thank you for sharing Lauryn – a beautifully written post.
I really appreciate you sharing this, and I agree that you have two paths you can take when it comes to trauma.
Xxxxxx
I can’t imagine how hard this post must be for you to share. I truly hope that in a way, writing this post was therapeutic for you. Facing this fear of acknowledging what happened, and putting it out in the world, is so hard and I commend you for putting yourself out there. I am so sorry for your loss. <3
Lauryn, I want you to know you are setting people free today. Rather, opening a door through which they can free themselves. I am so proud of you. Thank you for being so generous with your story and so authentic. You’re incredible!
Love. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. This was incredibly brave and well written – I started tearing up when reading it.
Thank you for always being REAL and vulnerable, which is something most bloggers hide from.
Thanks for sharing, Lauryn! I have often wondered why you never mentioned your mother, and commend you for being so strong and open with your readers to open up about something so personal. I am sure you have helped many people with this post! I love following you on all platforms, and this realness is the reason!
I am so sorry for your loss.
Wow, Lauryn – this was a very powerful post. In fact, it brought me to tears. I want to echo another comment that said: this post is going to set people free & you opened a door that is so needed. That is an amazing thing to do with your words and your story. I can’t imagine everything you went through & looking at these pictures is very, very moving. I hope this post helps others but thank you for the reminder to not be defined by your past. I’ll admit, it’s something I too struggle with. I applaud you for urging more influencers to tell more stories, especially in this day & age. Vulnerability humanizes what is behind the screen. Sending you a virtual hug. xxx Shannon
OH MY GOODNESS!!! YOU gave me goosebumps! Thank YOU!!!!! For sharing YOUR STORY and being REAL!!!!! A beautiful Trauma….. PINK! but its YOU!!!! SO inspired by your words!
Omg Lauryn, bless your heart for sharing this and being vulnerable…this is real life shit and it sucks but we can and we do persevere, learn, and grow through the hurt. I have a mother with mental illness who I am now watching over, and it is very frustrating at times…the struggle is so f***** real. I am an only child and the only one left in the family to help her, and thank God I have a supportive spouse. Mental illness is such a real and serious issue in this country and I think the more stories we can share and shed light on this issue, the better. I am looking forward to listening to your podcast today on this topic. You are so not alone in this, and once again, thank you for sharing all that you do–the good, the bad, and the not so pretty. XOXO.
Love you ❤️
One of only two blogs I read anymore for just this reason, the vulnerability. I think a lot of readers are over the perfect facade on our feeds. Your blog & the TSC FB group are a safe space full of women who actually want to dive into what is is to be human. Thank you SO much for your honesty. Sending love, xoxo
Wow, thanks for sharing this, Lauryn, and for spreading this message about strength and resilience. I spent way too many years acting the part of the victim for my sucky family life. All the while, my amazing life was happening and I was missing it! You are an amazing woman and I so appreciate you sharing this story, your vulnerability, AND your positivity. XOXOXO!!!
This is why you are my favorite blogger ever. Thank you for this.
Lauryn, I have been reading your blog since 2013 and can 100% say this is the best post you have ever written. Not because of how vulnerable you let yourself become, but because of how you so eloquently were able to channel your emotions into inspiring all of us to more forward regardless of any trauma in life. “Your past doesn’t define your future” is SO powerful and I wish that more people came to terms with that. I admire your strength and cannot imagine how difficult this must have been to write. I too have experienced trauma that I have never shared on any social platform, simply because I am not ready, but I hope to one day find the inner strength that you have to share such personal information. Always remember – if your mom were around today she would have been incredibly proud of you, Faye (and your adorable nephew!!), the community you have created, the businesses that you and Michael run, and most importantly who you have become as a person. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life with us and I look forward to all of the posts you have coming in 2018.
Thank you for sharing this ???
I came searching for your meal plan, but this caught my eye. It’s funny, I think we come across these messages in the exact moments we need to hear them… because this (not the meal plan) was the message I needed to hear today. Thank you so much for your openness and vulnerability; it’s literally life changing. I suspect the impact of this post will be further reaching than you realize. XX.
I’ve never commented before but I wanted to praise you for your bravery and thank you for sharing a very private piece of yourself x
Lauryn you are so incredibly strong, thank you so much for sharing. Lots of love xoxo
I’m a freshman at SDSU right now and last year (senior year of high school) one of my best friends committed suicide. This post means so much to me, thank you endlessly.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lauryn. I lost my mum when I was young as well & it’s not something I’ve shared with many people. Being older than my parent isn’t something that gets easier – it’s a loss that tends to grow, but I feel like I’ve learned a lot. Just wanted to say, lots of love.
Thank you for this post. I’ve been a long time reader of your blog and never felt compelled to post until now. My father committed suicide when I was 10 years old, so I feel your pain. Thanks again for sharing. Great blog and podcast, by the way 🙂
(((Lauryn❤️)))
I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure your post will help many people.
P.
This is the best post you’ve ever written
You are simply amazing! Thank you for being vilulnerable with us all.. all the more reasons why we love & follow you. xo
Thank you so much for sharing your story Lauryn. I struggle with depression and talking about it in an open way makes it so much more bearable. It’s really a conversation that needs to be had. You are truly an inspiration that inspires women everyday xoxo
Thanks for sharing your story!
My father committed suicide a little over a year ago and as a professional writer, I’ve shared a lot about my feelings because I want people to know how it feels to be left behind and to break the stigma about mental illness and suicide. Your words encourage me to keep on going, even though my heart still aches.
Thank you for sharing this story about youLauryn! I can’t imagine what the was like for you. xoxoxo
WOW. What a strong woman you are. It’s beautiful to hear how much you take after your mother in so many ways. You are an incredible being for opening up about something so personal, but imagine all the lives you are touching by doing so. I thank you for having the courage to share this with the world. So many, if not all, have had deep troubles in our childhood, in our relationships, in our lives, but you are truly walking evidence that these things do not define us. These struggles, trials, injustices and heartbreaks can truly fuel us to become better beings. Thank you for being raw, for being courageous, for being real.
Thank you for sharing this with us <3
Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable and incredible side of you. It’s not easy but more stories like this need to be heard!!! You are so amazing and there’s a reason you are the only true blogger I follow. Thank you for always keeping it real. Sending lots of love to you and your family.
Sending you so much! I’m all about a movement to create this space as a place for vulnerability and connection. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your heart !
Wow, Thank you Lauryn. This will go deeper and further than you could ever know. It’s not easy to share your pain and truth and you continue to do so — it’s nice to know no one is truly alone. Xoxo
Thank you for sharing! I needed this reminder that your parent’s story is not your story and it does not have to define you. I am Delong w the sudden death of my dad and I have taken a little break from my brand because I am not feeling like my self and feel my posts are not authentic.i needed to refocus. Thank you for the reminder to push thru and use thee feelings as fuel and take the opportunity to make the changes you want. Thank you for your courage and honesty. Xxstay golden
Thank you Lauryn, we all love you. <3
Oh Sweetie,
I admire your bravery writing and opening about your mom. She was a lot of fun and so nice & beautiful. She’d be so proud of you and Faye ( and of the mother she’s become). Your strength is quite unbelievable. Xxoo
It was incredibly brave of you to open up to us like that! Thank you for sharing. <3
Thank you for bravely sharing such a personal story to your many, many followers. This was the most important thing I have read all day. ❤️
This was amazing! Thank you for sharing Lauryn <3 Anxiety and depression affects SO many people and yet it is still taboo to talk about. Talking about it alone can help the way you feel. I appreciate you so much for doing this xoxo
Wow! I was lead to this page by another page and first time I’m reading and all I want to say is you are a rockstar!!! Be proud of yourself because vulnerability is beautiful xoxo vanessa
THANK YOU for this! I always aim to be vulnerable but of course, shy away at times and feel like “why on earth would I share these things? Nobody needs to know.” But you are SO right about it being a part of life and the need to take back Social Media.
This year, I made a point to ‘Rise Strong” (as Brene Brown put it) by Showing Up FULLY and being vulnerable is a part of that. This reminds me of her ted talk on vulnerability – of how embracing and facing pain allows us to also decide to rise out of it. To be fully known and finally agree that we are fully loved.
I cannot imagine what you went through. Thank you for letting us in even more, it shows, once again – the strength you choose to contain and pursue. Your influence is not seen as something you take lightly and I cannot imagine the pressure a spotlight can bring, but I love the community you have formed out of it and that you continue to show up fully. It is so inspiring. This is odd, but thank you for also choosing to pursue life after despair and being courageous enough to do so. Your contribution is so important and I am SO thankful for it.
Wow thanks for being so brave and sharing your FULL story with us. I know that took major guts and hopefully you can help others be more open, decide to not let adversity define them and perhaps even save a life or two. You are magic!
Your bravery is amazing, Lauryn. I’ve been with your blog from the beginning years and have admired your strength to create a Skinny Confidential empire and used it as inspo to create my own blog. You’re strength to share the hard times along with all your advice is incredible. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your strength in sharing this post <3 TSC community is always here with you.
Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imaging how difficult it must be. I feel like every family has traumatic experiences. Coincidently my extremely close (albeit extened family) is in the middle of a crisis as of yesterday. I needed to read this post. I was a die hard follower upon hearing your first podcast because I felt you connect. That’s what this (internet) is all about. Connecting and relationships. Thanks again. Keep crushing it!
“Fashion Week is great & all, but what’s your story? How can you impact your community?” Thanks for being one step forward, for being brave enough to share this story! Thanks for being real, for sharing everything and for building a community!
Thank you so much for sharing his and being vulnerable. My dad commuted suicide when I was 11 so I very much relate.
THANK YOU for this! I always aim to be vulnerable but of course, shy away at times and feel like “why on earth would I share these things? Nobody needs to know.” But you are SO right about it being a part of life and the need to take back Social Media.
This year, I made a point to ‘Rise Strong” (as Brene Brown put it) by Showing Up FULLY and being vulnerable is a part of that. This reminds me of her ted talk on vulnerability – of how embracing and facing pain allows us to also decide to rise out of it. To be fully known and finally agree that we are fully loved.
I cannot imagine what you went through. Thank you for letting us in even more, it shows, once again – the strength you choose to contain and pursue. Your influence is not seen lightly and I cannot imagine the pressure a spotlight can bring, but I love the community you have formed out of it and that you continue to show up fully. It is so inspiring. This is odd, but thank you for also choosing to pursue life after despair and being courageous enough to do so. Your contribution is so important and I am SO thankful for it.
Beautiful soul, thank you for sharing this with us, which we are not entitled to, but appreciate so much. xo
Lauryn, you have been a leader in my life for years now. As soon as I saw your Instagram story, I immediately knew exactly what the post was going to be on. Although we don’t know each other personally, I feel like you’re one of my best friends. You’ve influenced me in remarkable ways. I constantly look forward to your humor and stories and tips and am captivated by your relentless drive to be better. Thank you for extending yourself today, it means more than you know.
Love this post! I read the Double Dot You blog as well and am definitely thinking and planning the ways I can share my own vulnerability more. Xoxo
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. This touched me so much. It’s so nice to see/hear another side to someone who seems so perfect. I am a newer reader and love everything about you. You’re so real and honest and it’s refreshing. Thank you again, for sharing.
Lauryn, I’ve been following your work for about a year or so. At first, to be honest, I thought you weren’t much more than a pretty, self-made woman with fabulous lifestyle tips to share. Throughout the year, I’ve tuned in to your podcasts and read your posts, and I’ve witnessed as you’ve evolved to focusing on more deep-cutting and vulnerable topics. This is great content, and you fantastic at telling stories big and small. Suicide has affected my immediate family as well, and I am happy to know that I am not alone in choosing to not let it define my future. Thank you
Thanks so much for this post Lauryn. I, too, am a suicide survivor. This is just the kind of post I needed to see and to start living my life again. So much love and respect <3
Lauryn, thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us. It is truly inspiring, and speaks volumes about the woman you are.
Social media is such a tricky thing, isn’t it? People can curate their feeds so meticulously to portray “the ideal life”, all while they may be dealing with intense hardships. I think a lot of people think we, as an audience, don’t want to see the bits of “real life” – the ugly, the mess, the depression, the struggles – but those things are what make us human and make us who we are. I gravitate towards people who open up, share the scary shit, and are real. I hope to do the same.
Thank you, thank you. xx
Hi Lauryn
Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate your depth and your honesty. I always tell my girls never to compare their insides to someone else’s outsides. I have done a lot of comparing to you. Not in a bad way, I so admire and respect you and Michael. You just make it all look so easy. I have heard that myself a bunch and say it to my oldest daughter a bunch too. We are not sure if that is a compliment or insult either. I do not mean it that way. Sometimes when we are happy, outgoing and optimistic people don’t know how to take it. So they say it looks easy. I know your life is much more complex, as all of ours are. I have listened to your struggles and know how much you’ve gone through.
I feel like you’re a friend and I appreciate and applaud your integrity and willingness to share these glimpses into your world… the curated Instagram worthy and the truly real.
Enjoy your success, your happiness and your family. I am sure your Mom would be so very proud and in awe of the woman you are.
xoxoxox
Thank you for sharing. You are my spirit animal. I have two stories that I want to share in depth but still haven’t gotten to that space yet to write about it. Your inspiring me to at least type a rough draft.
Awe.. ❤️ Thank you for sharing,
Beautifully written! Thanks for being a great big sister to Faye. I remember in middle school when this happened ?
Thank you so much for this post.
Your honesty, vulnerability and strength shine through.
I am going through an extremely difficult time – I fled my abusive husband, have been returned by the International court to to battle him in courts there, have a toddler and am pregnant, and have no support whatsoever in the country I’m being made to go to. People would find the story unbelievable if it were a movie. Sadly it’s not. It’s my life. I’m not past the trauma as everyday something new emerges but you give me hope.
❤️❤️❤️ You should feel so proud. Thank you for sharing with us, it will help more people than you’ll ever know.
Thank you for this <3
Wow. As a reader of your blog since day one your post about your Nanz and this post hit me so hard, so beautifully written. I agree we seem to lack this vulnerability in the social space and we need to shake it up. Share the sweet with the sour. This post is so beautiful and so heartbreaking – just like life. I love how you let adversity fuel you in life and find you so inspiring in so many ways, but this post added one more to my list! This encourages me to share my own story and break through the IG facafe more with my readers. Thank you for shining your light so brightly for others.
AHHHH .. I couldn’t wait to see what you wrote when you said you were sharing something very close to your heart and I am so glad you did! Yes you are totally right in hoping to reach anyone that has gone through this and feels alone. I have always loved that you’ve been so open and engaged with your readers, especially with me! I have actually experience losing something from suicide twice in my life. The first I wasn’t very close to anymore when it happened but it still hurt to know that someone I was once pretty close to felt the need to do something so tragic. Second time was actually last year. One of my boyfriends closest friends actually. This was a total whirlwind for my boyfriend. He saw him in probably the worst state you would want to see one of your closest friends and its been a whole year of trying not to let something so tragic get in the way of his own life. I am so sorry you had to go through something like that and I know a part of what happened made you the strong woman you are today. I look at your moms pictures and you 2 look so alike!!! Just wanted to say thanks for opening up to us about this and letting us in. Thanks for always sharing and thanks for always doing what you do!! Love you Lauryn!! xo
So proud of you. This took a lot of strength. Oddly I remember your mom very clearly when Mia, Faye and I would have play dates starting at the age of 4 she was always so beautiful and sweet. I also lost a family member to sucicide (my cousin) and I had some of those same feelings you mentioned. It’s amazing you are sharing this message it will have an impact for sure. Love your podcast btw ?
Ughhhhh Lauryn Evarts. You are my female hero of life. Your honesty and “realness” is commendable and inspirational. You are an incredible lady and the women of our generation are lucky to have you. Thanks for putting out positive, empowering content and sharing your story.
Thank you for such an important post. This was so powerful- I will remember it forever. I hope you know how much this will mean to people and how much strength we can take from this. Shoes, makeup and clothes are fun and I love reading about every single wellness tip i can get my hands on, but this is real shit. Its hard to read, as I am sure its infinitely harder to experience and write. I cant imagine what you’ve been through but I see where you are now, and that is a true testament to your character and your strength. This is real, this is changing and this will make an impact. Thank you so much. The world needs more of this.
This is so brave to share Lauryn. You are truly baring your soul to create a safe place for other to do so and a space for connection. This is EXACTLY what our world needs more of – more love, more realness, more connection, more grounded truth, more real growth. I am so inspired by you and hope to continue what you have planted here. Thank you, thank you , thank you.
Thank you for sharing Lauryn! I, as well as the rest of the community I’m sure, appreciate you and the authenticity you always have in your posts.
Much love!
Loved this more than you know! Your blog is one of the only ones I actually read these days and this is why!!
THIS was so raw, refreshing and beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us, despite the pain and anxiety it caused you. Thank you for making the choice to write your own story & to inspire all of your readers along the way. You 1,000% stand out from the crowd & you inspire others to do the same. Thank you♥️
Thank you for sharing your story with us Lauryn. I have always loved your content, today I love you even more (L)
This is absolutely incredible. PROUD OF YOU for opening a space to be honest. Butterflies and inspiration. Thank YOU!
You are an incredible woman.
You’re incredible.
Thank you for writing this. If you are wondering if writing this would help someone, it did. I cannot thank you enough for putting yourself and your story out there to help others. Reading your account of your trauma and the fact that you went on to be this idolized, successful blogger is something I truly needed to see from someone right now. It’s hard to believe that after so much trauma that you can make something of yourself. Thank you for giving me proof that you can.
The first sentence literally shook me. I’ve been following you for a while now and this is something I never would’ve imagined. First, I’m so sorry and I pray for you and your family and second, thank you. I honestly can’t really find the words for this comment but I just really hope you know we appreciate you and I personally admire and look up to you and just the necessity of everything you share. Your strength is inspirational and your love for this community is insane ❤️
I was one of the emails. I sent you my story. Your post means so much to me and so many others. Thank you for being open and honest. You are forever loved by the community you’ve built, even more so for your vulnerability ♥️
Thank you for sharing this powerful post <3.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️this story. Your so fucking unstoppaple and now I know why. Your so so focused and driven. But, now your human and I couldn’t fucking love you more. Seeing people vulnerable is seeing who they really are at their core! Thank you for being so brave and sharing. Truly, I thought you were great before but now I fucking know it. Beautiful.❤️❤️❤️inside and out.
Christie
I’ve been a longtime follower of your blog but I haven’t commented before. My father committed suicide when I was in my early 20’s and this post resonated with me so much. THANK YOU for being vulnerable and sharing. Using your influence to shed light on mental health is so brave and I am so appreciative. I am so sorry for your loss.
I want to simply say thank you for being vulnerable and choosing depth as a theme for 2018!
Thank you for this post!
Thank you for being so vulnerable. Such a breath of fresh air to see someone with so much influence help other women understand that it is okay to not be okay! And that you can still come out of it in the end ❤️
Your best post ever! Thank you for sharing your story with love! I have an abusive past, and the financial story I was raised with doesn’t work for me. You’re absolutely right about deciding what one wants, and making choices that align with one’s inner truth and goals. Keep inspiring! It’s beautiful! ????
Thank you (and all the other feelings too). You are an inspiration.
Thank you love. So sorry for what you have been through. You are a gift and a special light to this world ❤️
I have been following you for months now, just love all the things you share and I learn so much! Just wanted to say thank you for being brave! Thank you for wanting to unite women! People need more of this! Realness, kindness and love! So sorry for your loss , but god will use you to help others! Xoxo
Lauryn, your beautiful, heart-wrenching story had me smiling, tearing up and all the emotions in between. Most importantly, you are paying tribute to your mother Wendy’s legacy and rewriting your own history in the process, and it’s absolutely magical to be let into that process. My own father had multiple suicide attempts and has been in the care of a hospital for the past 8 years, and I’m really navigating tricky waters right there with you as I do my best to work through it. I’ve been a loyal reader for years but never would have thought we shared certain heartbreaking commonalities. This is exactly why I began studying health and focus on mental wellness because people, loved ones, lives are at stake here. Thank you so much for spreading the love and, as always, drawing positivity and light out of a dark memory so many of us are afraid to share. Sending so much love to you from the Philippines!! Xx
So much love Lauryn. Probably the most beautiful and powerful post you have ever written in the 8 years I’ve been reading. We all have trauma so can relate in different ways. I read this yesterday and haven’t stopped thinking of you all day today at work. That kind of vulnerability is so incredibly powerful, thank you xxx
Such beautiful words and what a beautiful mother you have.
Thanks for sharing, going through some pretty hard mental illness stuff in my immediate family rn and it’s hard as hell and SO real.
Love you for your words and authenticity
Xoxox
Much love Lauryn? You are an exceptionally real person & that was what first made me follow you
So amazing that you shared this, Lauryn. It really is an important thing to talk about, and I’m so sorry this was something your mom went through, but also so glad to hear your family was able to move forward in a positive light. <3
BlondieintheCity.com
Oh my goodness, thank you SO SO much for sharing this vulnerability Lauryn. This hits me to the core – I lost my brother just one month ago to an unexpected overdose and this post truly hit home. Life is never the same after losing a loved one – but my hope is to make a damn good life for myself that he’s be proud of! XOXO
Thank you for sharing, your realness is refreshing in a sea of curated seemingly perfect social media personas. You have already helped and inspired so many women with your business advice and lifestyle tips. This raw vulnerability and sharing such a personal, traumatic aspect of your life gives an even more safe space for the women in your fb group and in all of TSC community to be open, share and help each other. My heart goes out to you and your family for your tragic loss. Thank you for continuing to be such a beautiful, real, voice.
This post was breathtaking… I cannot imagine what you felt and still feel and I am so sorry for your loss. You can truly be proud of yourself, proud of making it count and turning this dramatic experience into a positive outcome for you… again sorry about it and continue shining ✨
Thanks for sharing this story! I’m not quite ready to share my full truth on social media but I so much appreciate the spirit of honesty and support you’ve created! I just found you on IG yesterday and am so happy I did! (I also need everything delivered likeee yesterday ??) sending you lots of love
Hey Lauryn, thanks for opening up and sharing this with us. I can only imagine how difficult this was to write. I love that you use your platform to actually strive and make a difference in our lives. It is truly refreshing. Thank you for all that you do xx Claire
You are amazing to share this. Hits me to the core. My mother attempted suicide once when I was 16 and then again when I was 20. I am beyond grateful to still have her in my life but it’s a very traumatic experience for me to think about and many people do not know. I still have really bad anxiety about this because I found her the last time. I only had the courage to talk to my husband about it once and I was not sober to say the least. It’s truly a nightmare to relive so I applaud you immensely for digging deep and putting this out there. You are right, strength doesn’t come from going through hell and back , it’s what you do after the smoke clears. xo
Lauryn,I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this post.I came into 2018 finding myself confronting a incident from 20 years ago.My motto has always been to confront things head on but I realized I had not been confronting this head on I had always told myself this was not my story I was simply a bystander but honestly just being a bystander this had a huge impact on my life.Thank you for always being real and daring to go where no one else will.That is one of reasons I love your blog .
Lauryn, this message is all I can think about for the last day. You are inspiring. You are beautiful in every way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lots of love
“Be the change you wish to see,” and that you did. Thank you for being so brave and being able to unveil everything society expects from you. Perfection doesn’t exist and we all can learn from amazing (but tough) stories. You’re using your presence on social media to show empowerment and sympathy to your community. The rockstar we all wish to be has to have scars and weak spots otherwise what are we asking for? Perfect is boring, you’re a rockstar, and the coolest person to look up to. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing! Just another reason why you are the best 🙂 so sorry for your loss.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this. Everyone has their stories, everyone has their traumas, and I have so much love and respect for those who can stand up, be vulnerable, and let it fuel them. You built your empire from the ground up, you hustled, you worked, you bled, you sweat, you cried – all for your baby. And at the end of the day, you dared to stand up, face your community, and say “I’m not done breaking down the walls yet, here’s a new frontier.” You are going to be one face in a sea of change, of strong women speaking up for themselves and for others, and I’m so glad you are around to continue inspiring and building me up to be the best bad bitch I can be.
I don’t know yet where to start building my castle, but I know you are part of the reason I have the drive and passion to find the way. This post is reflective of my next tattoo – “glory & gore go hand in hand.” We all have our pain, and we can all use that pain to fuel us, to burn bright, to be a girl on fire.
Thank you for sharing, Lauryn. That took some bravery and I applaud you for opening up the vulnerabilty conversation. Someone needed to. xx
Rachel
Thank you for sharing this, Lauryn. ??
It’s interesting … I am just starting a lifestyle blog (I got laid off 3 weeks ago and instead of panicking, I started writing), and last night, after my husband and I pulled back into the driveway after having spent a few hours in the hospital because he was having unusual abdominal pain (blood work and CT scan came back normal), I retrieved the mail and found a flyer asking for donations to help pay medical costs for a local 6-year-old with Leukemia. I looked at my set up ready to take a photo of some fancy shampoo bottles, and I said to my husband, “You know, the clothes and the make-up are fun … but it doesn’t *mean* anything. It isn’t important. It doesn’t help *this* ::waving the flyer around::. Parents are begging strangers for money so their baby can get cancer care and I’m writing about shampoo.” Then I see your Insta, and come to read your article, and *this* matters. *This* is important. Bloggers have a platform and we need to use it to help others as much as we reasonably can. You are always such an inspiration, sweetheart.
I want to say thank you for caring enough about your readers and wanting to make a positive impact that you’d fight through the pain of writing this post. And I do believe that vulnerability takes strength. I’ve wrestled with myself at night over sharing certain aspects of my past as well, and this post has encouraged me to have a deeper conversation with myself by not approaching the idea with so much resistance. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us. You’ve placed it in good hands.
iwannabealady.com
I’m so sorry to hear about this Lauryn. My heart is with you and I’m sending you love and support. – Bia
Thank you for sharing. You are amazing!! Love and hugs <3
Wow, thanks for sharing! It seems like you and your family are living your best lives and I’m sure it has a lot to do with her influence. Beautiful post!
Just another reason that you are so much more than an “influencer.” If everyone out there had a soul as beautiful as yours the world would be a much better place. Thank you for sharing. xxx
I have followed you for YEARS. You are so brave for writing this. Your bravery truly touched me and in turn is making me think how I can be more vulnerable and help people. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are one tough cookie- keep up with all this amazingness your starting.
Lauryn-I don’t think I expected this post when I first saw your Instagram post about it, but I am so glad this is what it was. I am currently 28 years old and I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years (but we have been dating since we were 14). We got married on October 4th, 2014 and less than a year later, on September 21st, 2015, we lost my husband’s father to suicide. The words you used to describe your experience, your pain, and your current challenges, were absolutely perfect. I have never found another person, other than my husband and our family, that can truly understand the type of emotions and trauma you feel in a situation like this. Similar to your beautiful mother, my father-in-law was such an intellectual. He thrived the most when he was reading and learning. He was one of the smartest people I had ever met. None of us had any idea that he was battling something much darker. He was a master at hiding this dark side of himself, and never wanted his wife or children to see him depressed and hopeless. As you also experienced, this made the day of his death that much more painful and gut-wrenching. I still continue to have flashbacks in my head from that horrible day and I think of him all the time. I still feel pain for my husband, knowing that he doesn’t have his best friend anymore. In the end though, all we can do is push forward. We are slowly coming up on the three year mark, and while time doesn’t completely heal all wounds, it makes me so hopeful to see how far you have come. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your eloquent words and even though writing your post was difficult for you, please know that it was very powerful for me to read. I wish you all the success in the world and I know your mother would be so proud of you. Lots of love.
Beautiful, Lauryn. Really incredible, thank you!
thank you for sharing. i have taken so much away from this post. i appreciated your honesty and light before, i have even more respect and admiration for you after reading this latest post. xoox
Lauryn, you are an incredible human being. This brought me to tears and touched my heart. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for having the COURAGE to share this. You are helping so many people who may not have the strength or voice to do the same. THANK YOU. You are an inspiration. Sending you & your family prayers and love.
In the midst of photoshopped skin, whitened teeth, fake boobs, fake hair, plastic surgery, altered photos of vacations/coffee/fake tans with expensive outfits/ blowouts and professional makeup (all of which I love but also can make me feel not good enough) …. It is SO refreshing to read something so raw and REAL. I know this took courage. You are beautiful, smart, brave, and strong. Thanks Lauryn.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sending you lots of hugs. Most importantly, I learnt it’s not okay to let your past define you.
??? this post! In my struggles it helps me to think about what other people are going through and I try to focus and be grateful for the positives I have (while some people might not have any or as many). For example, my son has to have open heart surgery but I’m lucky because they have identified a problem they know how to fix versus millions of people who suffer from chronic fatigue, depression, pain etc. and they don’t know why. I’m not saying I don’t feel sad and have moments of self-pity but this helps me and I hope it helps someone else. Thanks Lauryn for sharing. Trish xx
Thank you for sharing and being so open, you are an inspiration.
Thank you for sharing your story…I have read your blog for years and guess that I am close to your mom’s age. I have read/watched a beautiful young girl grow into a confident, badass, superstar. I’m sure she’s watching over you and is very proud.
This. Is. Amazing. Thank you, Lauryn. Myself and hundreds of others reading this understand that trauma and are moved reading this. Perfectly stated.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lauryn. I lost my best friend to suicide nearly 4 years ago now and have been struggling with it, especially lately. I appreciate how you describe the loss so accurately – it really is like the wind being knocked out of you, over and over again. I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve experienced, too.
My dad killed himself a month after my 19th birthday and 8 days after my younger sister died suddenly. In 8 days half my family was gone. There are always times when people ask me what my sister and dad do for a living, or where they live. They always follow up, after I’ve said they were dead with “how did they die?”. The shame and sadness that comes with those words is something that has become easier but also cuts me every time I hear it.
Thank you for sharing this.
I am so sorry to hear this. That is just awful. My heartfelt condolences are with you Gen.
Lauren I am a long time reader and podcast follower from the beginning as well. I almost did not comment here. I will keep this short. I wanted to stop reading the blog and listening to the podcasts as the “brand” seemed to be about the SALE. Then I read this……
I too have experienced what you have written about here. It is crushing and I wanted to extend my condolences for what you have been through and let you know that you have SO much of your beautiful Mother in you and I know she is shining down on the woman you have become and so very proud of you on many levels. I could go on but your post was on point in every way. Very proud of you!
Wow thank you for sharing Lauren, my dad died when I was 2 in a car accident… he was a guy everyone knew and still talks about today (which kills me as I should be able to have those memories of him but I don’t…) I’m 29 now and it’s one of the only things that has stopped me from having a family… I’ve been filled with fear from such a young age that I’ll succumb to the same fate as my mum and lose the love of my life (especially if we start family… I always felt I had taken his place in this world) but reading your take on this is so refreshing and even though I’m not sure how to reset my mind set you give me hope that I can and that one day I can have a life I deserve without guilt or fear it will be taken away. Thanks you x
Wow, this is such a brave thing to do. Rest assured this is helping people, myself included. I needed this. Thank you ?
Wow! This is my first visit to this blog and the first post i read. Truly beautifukly written and as somebody who lost her mom at 11 by suicide I am thankful that you chose to write this. I could relate to nearly all of your words!
Love you as always
Feel your pain in a different way to loss my mom is my biggest fear and I’m thankful that you were brave enough to share
This post is exactly what I needed to hear. I was laying in bed crying my eyes out because I can’t pay for my college tuition this semester and was feeling absolutely sick inside. This spoke to my heart and I’m going to keep trying to find a way to get my education. Thank you Lauryn, you’re an inspirational in every way. I wish you all the success in the world! (& Faye & Michael too!)
Bravo! Thank you for your honesty and real-ness. This could not have been easy, and reveals how brave and insightful that you are.
It’s hard for me to say I love you to someone I’ve never even met before but I can honestly say that I love you Lauryn! You are such a strong, driven, beautiful from what I can see and I’ve been following you for years (since before you Co created blog doo). Thank you for sharing part of your story, I know it’s exhausting and hard but I also know it just helped so many people. Including myself. Keep being you! Xoxo
I admire you now more than ever, for sharing this story with the world. So sorry for your loss, your mom would have been so proud of who you became. Lots of hugs..
Thank you so much for this- I feel like I was one of the people you were meant to write this for!! Currently dealing with a family member suffering from mental instability and this hit home on so many levels and gave me wonderful reminders. Have been a blog (and podcast!!) fan since the beginning. All my love xxoo
My son took his life 3 years ago at the age of 25. He left behind a beautiful family which included his wife and 1 month son. I follow your blog because, on the urging of my therapist, I needed to tend to some self care. You have helped me to do that in so many ways. I applaud you on sharing your story. The strength you have shown thru such a tragic event has helped my 53 year old self learn to come out of the ashes, take unapologetic care of myself, and learn to honor my son by living my best life. I live to tell his story. We can hide under the covers in bed, or we can come out and live in the light to honor our loved ones. Thanks for shining a light on mental illness and sharing your story!
You’re an incredibly strong human being. I appreciate you opening up about your mom (ps you look just like her). In this day and age it’s important to express to others that they’re not alone in whatever they’re going through. It’s incredibly brave of you to open up and I, along with all your other followers, are proud of you. Thank you!
Very well said my Lady!!! Sorry for your loss.
Is it weird that I’ve always had a feeling this was the case? My dad killed himself when I was 18 & a senior in high school and it wrecked.my.world. My sisters were 16 & 12. This was beautifully written & incredibly relatable, I’ve also only ever described my dad as charismatic & the life of the party. One of the most devastating things was how he kept his pain so secretive because we only saw the best of him my entire upbringing. It’s so refreshing for you to admit you have to CHOOSE to put in the work after trauma. After 10+ years I know the work will never end and I have to make the decision every day that the past won’t dictate my future. Thank you for this.
I have known your mom and dad since we were teenagers.. If there were ever a couple who belonged together your parents were it…I was very close to your mom’s family for the Colorado years, after Wendy and Cheryl graduated High School. I loved your grandparents, Diane and Jim, and was tried to be a big brother to David. You come from great stock, and it shows….I will always think about your mom, your aunt, uncle and you’re dad, who has been a success for over 30 years. You sound incredibly well adjusted…. And have the energy of your parents…I wish you much happiness and success.
TS
xx
So so brave! I am proud be a reader of your blog. Everyone has a story. Not everyone has the courage to share it. My hat is off to you for exposing your vulnerability. You are amazing. You will save someone’s life.
Thank you for your courage to write about your mom. Your words hit home with me. my older brother killed himself when I was 14. I have 9 younger siblings so I’ve always felt the pressure to be there for them especially after his death… But I’ve also had to learn to take care of myself. I think of my brother every day. I’m grateful for you because you have allowed me and so many others to see that we’re not alone. Thank you ?? ?
Wow. That explains everything.
Fuck I hit post too soon. I mean, like all the missing pieces . What a beautiful picture of the three of you. You look so young, yet the same, yet there is something behind those eyes. Very enchanting.
This post is everything to me and in so many ways right now.
Thank you for sharing your story and also for sharing a side of you that is so vulnerable. You are so successful and so beautiful inside and out, Lauren.
I don’t go on social media anymore because of my struggles but this reminder is exactly what I needed to stay strong and be proud of who
I am and just keep going..
XX
You truly stand out in the blog space because of your commitment to growth. And while all of the career, beauty, and nutrition tips are great, this post helped me on such a deeper level. Thank you for opening up, regardless of the pain and anxiety, because you’ve just given me a major breakthrough in dealing with the past and using pain as a driving tool instead of a crutch. Thank you Lauryn.
I deal with mental illness thank you for this. ❤️
This post is amazing. You are one strong, inspirational girl. I have been enjoying your work for 6.5 years! Thank you for existing!
Dear Lauryn,
thank you. I am on the other side of that situation, I deal with severe mental health problems since I was a small child (I have some kind of genetic issue that runs in the family, but no one before me ever talked about it). I was always told to be self reliant and not to burden other people, so I kept it all to myself. Until I couldn’t anymore, because a friend of mine finally caught on. I think, I wouldn’t be alive anymore if she hadn’t basically forced me to make myself vulnerale and talk about my problems. I’ve been in therapy for many years now and it still is extremely hard for my to share my burden, but it gets better every day. And now I took a step that really scared me (because of all the stigma around it where I live) and asked a psychiatrist for medical help as well. I started to take mood stabilizers just three days ago and I can’t believe how great life is, when you don’t have to feel every emotion on the planet within hours every day. I just wish I had been able to make myself vulnerable and talk about it all and ask for help sooner. So thank you for opening up the conversation and being brave enough to share your story, because it might make people like me more comfortable to talk about what we go through in our heads every day and not to deal with it alone until we can’t anymore.
xx, Anja
❤️
Lauryn, thank you.? I will reread this.. beacsuse it’s special, truthful and vulnerable. It’s what your readers needed.
I’ve only recently started following you, and I must say, you are so motivating on so many levels of life. Thank you so much for sharing. xoxo
Hi Lauryn,
I went to high school with your aunt Cheryl & your mom, they were always the two beautiful sisters inside and out that everyone looked up to. I’m sure she is very proud of you today and the work you are doing!
Love & Light
Ronda Chowaiki
Support and love to you, awesome girl!
THANK YOU! Sorry for your loss! Losing our Moms, in any capacity, is tough! You are such a powerful example for women. Thank you!!! Xoxo
I don’t think you understand how much this post affected me. I’ve met you in person and you are a ray of sun. I listen to your podcast, follow your IG/blog, and I have just always seen someone who is confident, and seems like their life is so put together. I never met my father and my mother died from colon cancer when I was 14. I have ALWAYS led with my story. I played too much into the victim mentality because I always felt that’s how I would receive love, affection, and strength. I could have NEVER guessed that you went through something so tragic; you could have easily played into the “poor me” syndrome, used it in the hopes of seeking pity and attention from others. I’ve always done that and seeing this post made me realize, I do not have to be my story. What you’ve been through yes, makes you stronger, and makes you the person you are, but you work hard and prove yourself DESPITE that. I truly admire your dedication to creating a community that is focused on honesty and passion. Thank you for being so brave in writing this post. I know it may have been difficult, but it was absolutely necessary. You are making a difference. I am ready to move forward, letting my story be a part of who I am, but not define me. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing and So sorry for your loss! Beautifully written and you added words to live by “stop living in the story. Create the life YOU DESERVE. Become hungry, unstoppable, & thrive. Pain doesn’t have to stop you, it can drive you. Don’t settle. You can change anything in your life if you have the right mindset, tools & framework. So go NOW & create an extraordinary life.” Thank You!!!
Lauryn,
Thank you so much for shaking things up, for sharing a piece of your history that is so tender and close. I appreciate you. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing this post, it’s so real! That’s my hope for 2018 as well to be more vulnerable with my readers <3
http://thegirlswhobrunch.com
Thank you SO much for sharing this post. I know it took incredible strength and vulnerability to do so. I have read this post multiple times now and it still resonates so much. I just finished reading Mark’s book as well and combined with this post, its such a great reminder to not let you past define your future. I have been a reader of your blog since 2013 and this is by far your BEST post. Thank you again for being so brave and for sharing with us all. <3 You are amazing!
I found your blog almost 2 years ago, shortly after learning that my best friend had unexpectedly killed herself. I remember reading the post you wrote on death, and wondering if you too had been affected by suicide. I couldn’t explain why, but I just knew that you understood. Two days ago, I searched your blog to see if you had ever written another post about a death. I couldn’t find anything. And then I saw your Instagram post the other day, which led me here.
I share all that because I want you to know that telling your story helps others, in ways you probably don’t even realize. Thank you for talking about a topic that most people are too scared to even say out loud. It baffles me how our society still places such a stigma on important topics like mental health and suicide, when the stigma is makes these issues even worse. My best friend’s suicide still haunts me every single day. It consumes my life. I can only assume that, like your mother, her pain was too great and she was too ashamed to even feel like she could seek help. The only way I have been able to move forward is to try to use the pain towards learning more about suicide and supporting research/prevention efforts. It is an uphill battle, but we have to keep fighting. Our loved ones deserved better.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like she was an amazing woman, and I know she would be extraordinarily proud of you. Thank you <3
This was so beautifully written and I had no idea. Thank you for sharing. You’re brave, fierce & so inspiring. I have so much admiration for you!!
I’m so sorry you went through that Miss Lauren. She would be so proud of you. That was really beautifuly written. And yes be the change! Real and authentic is beautiful. You are beautiful.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for writing this post. Honestly, this was much needed. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry about your loss, my mom tried to commit suicide a couple years ago and to this day not a day goes by I don’t think about it and hope it doesn’t happen again but the hardest part is not being able to talk about it because I don’t want people to think she’s crazy and knowing no one understands because they haven’t been in that situation so reading your story is inspiring in the fact that one day I hope I will be able to talk about it myself.
Thank you for sharing! I’ve always loved how honest you are, but appreciate you even more after sharing something so deep, personal, and brutally honest. Hearts & prayers with you as you continue in your healing.
Thank you, a loyal reader/listener,
Chelsea
OH Lauryn, I am so glad you shared this, for your heart. To be honest with you, when I first started reading your blog I noticed you always mentioned your grams and MIL so I was curious about your mom. I did a search “Lauryn Evarts mom” thinking you had probably talked about in past blog posts and I would learn more about her and the impact she had on who you are today. Instead I was brought to an article about her passing and I realized this was something you either did not want to share, or you weren’t ready to share so of course I never made any mention of it. Not my place. Not my story.
As I continued to read about the impact your grams had on you and hearing all that you have overcome, I craved a post like this. Which sounds RIDICULOUS as a READER, but when I follow a person I admire it’s comforting to hear all facets of their life – the good, the bad, and the ugly because all of those things build a successful woman into the woman that she is.
You’ve offered up SO MUCH VALUE, but my favorite posts have been the ones that share more about YOU, YOUR STORY, and the IMPACT these things have made. So thank you for sharing something so vulnerable, but using it to offer value and help others. This is why you are the most impactful blogger in my eyes.
I can understand the perspective that inspired this comment. But I just have to add that everyone deals with trauma in different ways. It would not have made sense for her to share her trauma in the way you have discussed if it is not authentic to her and her experience. It sounds like this is something she is still working through, and probably will always work through, so it seems a bit unfair for someone to judge the way she grieves and shares. Unfair may be the improper term because you are entitled to your opinion and your perspective and I don’t fault you for it, but it seems counterproductive to tell someone how they should share their story.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I have been a regular reader for quite some time. While I love your posts on health, fashion, and various other tips, this is the shit that matters. You designed a website for me a few years ago and I quit pursing it because I didn’t feel that it was true to what I wanted from this world. Flash forward four years later, and I just started a blog on exploring honest (ie vulnerability) through adventure and creativity. I know that when I was going through the worst time in my life, I felt alone. This post embodies everything that is important for someone who is struggling. Bravo to you for walking through these painful memories to help make someone else stronger.
I’m sorry, you are brave and strong for doing this for your readers and for yourself. You’ve broken down stigmas and open the door helping people realize they are not alone or weird. I have the unique perspective of having a suicidal mother and at one time being a suicidal mother. No bueno.
Anyway, I do appreciate and enjoy all the girl-talk about how to be pretty, what products to use, and, frankly, I come to your page because I like you and think you’re cool and basically just want to be you. 🙂 At times it has felt shallow but I regret ever saying or feeling that. It’s cruel and unfair of me. You do have a lot of depth.
Thank you for making yourself open and raw. Again, you’ve helped many, I’m sure of it.
As if I didn’t love this blog already. Thank you for sharing something so dear to your heart Lauryn ❤️
I love seeing this side of you! This is what the world needs. I applaud you for using your platform and voice for good. More selfies with substance and realness. This is what women are craving. Sending you love as I’ve experienced a similar situation with my dad.
I loved your mom, she was such a special friend. I can still hear her call my name in the funny way she used to. Love what you wrote and I am sure she is proud of you and your strength.
Lauren, thank you for being incredibly vulnerable and brave. I can’t even imagine how difficult this was to write and to step into old wounds. You are an incredibly strong woman. I 100% believe vulnerability and authenticity is what this world needs, not more pretty curated photos. So thank you for stepping into an incredibly challenging space and offering the safety and security for others to show up. I’m working hard to do the same this year. Keep on showing up as YOU. It is bright and inspiring to so many! Sending so much love.
She was beautiful. I miss her terribly. She would be so proud of you and your sister. I know she is always with you both, watching over you and driving you forward. Understanding when someone is hurting is hard to do but so important. Your bringing awareness to that issue is so difficult, I know, but so honorable.xoxo
Lauryn, your words resonated deeply with my heart and soul. As I read your words and see the same photos of you mom and Faye, tears stream down my face…mom is smiling down with great love of her brave amazing, daughter she loves…what I love is your authentic heart that designated deeply with my mine. I’ve been there too, yes beyond different, but as you say we all go through this dark messiness to reach our light. I’m blow away by the work you’ve done to arrive at this place and the way you expressed it, was unbelievably amazing. It touches me so deeply as I fight my own personal battles. Thank you from deep in my heart for sharing your story the deep sadness and triumph to rise up and out and to live your life, to be better and do better! It is having a great impact with us all! I for one am so grateful ? thank you my love! You’ve inspired me xox Aunti Peggy?
Thanks for sharing this nice post, which help in keep inspiring us.
Oh my gosh!!! This post was amazing, thank you for sharing this. I’ve been following you along for some time now and love everything you promote, also the fact that we’re both from San Diego makes coming to your blog even better 🙂 I can’t say I can relate to this post 100% but as a wife to a military veteran who suffers from PTSD and other mental health issues from war, this is such a scary topic because like you mentioned no one would have guessed your loved one is going through this dark secret when they act like everything is fine on the outside, so the fact the you even decided to share this about your mother brought me to tears. As a mom of 3 there have been times I have questioned being alive because of how difficult life is at times. But I am constantly motivated by my children’s love for me. I constantly remind myself it could be a lot worse and to always have constant communication with God. Thank you for this.
Lauryn, thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, have been hoping for more depth and realness in the social media and blogging worlds. I get tired of seeing everyone’s perfect flat lays and overly-produced photos. I totally respect doing things with quality and excellence, but at the end of the day, it’s nice to know that other people lead real lives too, with real happiness, sadness, and everything else that comes with the human experience. I also appreciate you sharing this because mental health is SO important. Bless you and your family <3
I’ve been following along for some time now, love your blog and book, always get such awesome information and tips from you! This post though for me right now is life. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this, I know others who have too. For me, I lost my husband to cancer two years ago, (was metastatic melanoma, keep talking about sun protection and prevention!!). I recently just lost my mother too, which has been hard.. I’m a bit older than you and have two kids I’m caring for as well, but what you said about dealing with trauma after the fact is so accurate, and I needed this reminder tonight!
Tears <3 this is so beautiful and you are such a warrior and testament to the fact that our past DOES NOT define our future! You're courage will inspire thousands to live in freedom, despite any struggle or trauma. Love you girl!!
This will help so many people to see that people with the most challenging pasts have immense gifts to offer the world. They are our stripes and by sharing, we give others faith. Good on you! Thanks.
Lauryn, Thank you for touching my heart! <3
Thank you so much for posting this. I’ve been through something similar and it is not easy. I needed to read this.
Thank you for writing this post. I lost my dad at 23 but I’ve tried to live my life in a way that my dad would be proud of. It never gets easier, you never stop missing them. It’s always comforting to connect with people who have lost a parent at a young age.
<3
Lauryn, wow. I had no idea you went through this – I am so deeply sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. What a beautiful woman your mother was and from your story, I can see so many of her wonderful traits in you and when you speak on your podcast. You are so incredibly strong to share about this personal hardship. That is one of my favourite things about you. Your transparency to open up, share and help others through trauma. Your honesty is such a virtue in this community and it’s so damn inspiring. You’ve become my all-time favourite blogger and thank you for being you.
You have no idea how much this means to me, an average person, who has always followed your Instagram and thought of you as the epitome of beauty and perfection. Obviously I admire your ability to create such beautiful work and the life of happiness you’ve created for yourself. But seeing you, or really anyone who looks like they have it so together on social media, makes me forgive myself a little bit for my imperfections, or mistakes, or traumas of the past. Thank you for sharing this extremely difficult story and inspiring me to make it a goal to become more vulnerable. You’re awesome.
Thank you so much for this post! My nieces and sister-in-law died in 2008 (suicide/homicide). It ripped our family and marriage apart. Even though I look pretty perfect to everyone else, the story is a bit different from then to now. This is a great inspiration to finish my book which is meant to help teens, men and women deal with emotions. Thanks again!
I’m a little late to this post but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. Thank you very much for sharing your experience – it is so refreshing to read such an honest, vulnerable post from someone so influential. My mum attempted suicide when I was 26. Fortunately she survived and I will be forever grateful for that, however the days, weeks and months following were the darkest of my life. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through. Thanks again for sharing and for promoting strength in the face of adversity. x
Beautifully Written!!!
Thanks for the support Michelle! x
This is one of the best posts I have ever read from ANY blogger, magazine article, etc. Thank you so much for sharing and opening yourself up, and most importantly, setting example for other influencers. xoxoxo
Reading this made my gut churn multiple times over, and I can imagine it was incredibly hard for you to share this story. I respect you so much for having the strength to put this story out there for thousands of people to read. I am so inspired to hear your story of going through this struggle and coming out the other side stronger than ever and building an empire of success like you have! I’m sure your mom would have been very proud.
This was seriously so beautiful. *tears* Thank you for sharing ?
Thank you! Its really helpful, it’s a illness of the silence ; and sometimes .. can be too late . You are a strong woman now and your mom will be proud of these blog today . Social media can be a good a certain way to communicate to the right audience. I’m a mom of 2 I passed 2 long postpartum depression and it’s hard sufre and try to explain something , that you don’t really know … you can see smiles in IG and lonely people inside No filters , no likes. Thank you girl . Really appreciate that you are real !!!
Thank you for sharing Lauryn…so vulnerable and beautiful. My brother committed suicide when I was 17and he was 27. He’s the oldest, I’m the youngest of 4. I came home from a weekend long soccer tournament to find my parents waiting on the couch to tell me the news as my other sibling were away at college. A day you do not forget…thank you again for sharing…❤️
Wow so powerful. Suicide is devestating. I have never lost a family member to suicide but working in mental health I unfortunately knew patients that would take their lives more times than one would wish. Mental illness is hard and what the person is struggling with internally sometimes wins. Thank you for sharing, I know this is thought to share.
This post was so moving and something I needed to hear today to reach in and find my own inner strength. Thank you so much for sharing. You are providing strength and giving clarity to your audience, and encouraging us to feel self-assured in moving forward. I am so so sorry for your loss. I am looking at the Skinny Confidential in a new way; I have so much respect and admiration for you Lauryn. Amazing message.
This is extremely powerful, Lauryn. Thank you for sharing. I have never lost a loved one to suicide, but dealing with having a brain tumor, and a brain injury… well, trauma, pain and rumors are no stranger!
I love that your words here can resonate with so many people. My reality is FAR from a typical Southern California lifestyle.
Your families earn more in a month than mine do in a year. I’m still very grateful for my life. Everyone has their fair share of hardships, and I really appreciate your willingness to be honest and vulnerable about that.
Most folks would rather let everyone go on believing that they are perfect.
I think you’re a wonderful human, and a lovely mix of both your mom and your dad. You have an eye for both the big picture and all the details.❤️
Love from small town New York.
Really insightful – I knew your mom when my daughter hung out with Faye. Having been through my own trauma, I appreciate your wisdom and depth of understanding
Really insightful – I knew your mom when my daughter hung out with Faye. Having been through my own trauma, I appreciate your wisdom and depth of understanding.
I don’t know how I came across this but I did. Thank you for sharing, I really needed to read this.
Thank you for your sincerity. It was so brave of you to write a post like this.
Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate you and your work so much. You’re incredible. Xoxo
This is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing ❤️ Kia Kaha
Chills. Thank you. ❤️
Simply put, thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you for being you through and through.
Wow. You are an amazing person…that’s all I have to say.
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your beautiful Mother. She’d be proud of everything you’ve accomplished! X
This post was so beautifully honest and I appreciate you sharing your story. I can definitely say it touched me in a way. Although I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone close to suicide, I grew up with a drug addicted mother, no father, and spent my share of time bouncing around from group homes to back home and taken away again to foster care. Learning how to choose your path after a traumatic experience is crucial as I can see from what I experienced later in life as opposed to my brothers who weren’t as strong and with the same mindset. I’ve definitely come so far and although I feel like I could’ve accomplished more younger despite graduating university and getting a stable job etc, I didn’t have that strong of a drive as you did to thrive and throw myself into work and distraction with something I was so passionate about. Now at 29, It was only until listening to podcasts lately and discovering yours that I amassed the courage to quite my unfulfilling 9-5 to pursue a dream of writing a novel (a coming of age story based on my childhood). Disciplining myself has been the hardest so far but hopefully I’ll create something i can be proud of. Thank you! Much love from Montreal xx
Lauryn. This blog was everything. Thank you for sharing. You are an amazing writer and garsh you r so strong. I am hoping to get through some things myself (it’s a slow process…) and this blog was the perfect amount of vulnerability and depth needed. I really liked the part when you said to let the trauma fuel ourselves. Vulnerability is a beautiful but misunderstood concept. I will reflect upon this blog and will apply it to my life. Thanks again for sharing. Xx
Wow. I started following you because of your amazing skincare routines, and how much you have taught me is deeply inspiring. Thanks for sharing and making a difference in this world. It means a lot 🙂
Lauryn, you are so wonderfull and strong. Thank you for sharing and we love you!
Wow, it was great to share this post, I never thought you endured so much stuff, and I can’t imagine how hard it was! But it gave us a new perspective that everybody struggle and even if it looks like you have it all, you went through a lot of shit! And it’s great to encourage people to find help. God bless you Lauryn
Your story reminds me of my mother. She is a great person.
You made me cry…
Lauryn, thank you SO MUCH for writing this. I literally just posted on your FB group looking to connect with someone else who had lost their mother to suicide. My mom shot herself after struggling with manic depression and borderline schizophrenia for 8 years when I was ten years old. I’ve never in my life come across anyone else who has lost a parent to suicide and I felt like no one understood. Imagine my shock when someone told me that the creator herself can relate! Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me feel understood, for validating my need to connect and be open about this and for encouraging me to continue writing my own story without letting my past define me.
Absolutely amazing! I got to this post through your Instagram story today. My mother also committed suicide, I was 10 and my sister was 16. 18 years later I still chose to live how you described, it never defined me. I’d love to hear more! I thought I remembered hearing that you did a podcast on this topic, which episode was it? Love the podcast as well 🙂
Thank you for being REAL. We need more of it. My Mom passed away wheN i was 5, single Mom and I had my older sister. Im a Mom of daughters now and now wonder how I will age….will i grey? Because My Mom didnt love long enough to grey i dont know If I will or not….little things are reminders. Thank you for being open and honest….we need more of this! Im a Nurse and I get to see people in their raw every day, and like you say, everyone has a story.
thank you for reading !
Thank you for sharing your story Lauryn ♥️
My heart breaks for you and your family. Sending you love and light.
One of my favorite things about you is that you are no bullshit. You’re unapologetically you and that is so damn beautiful and inspiring❣️
One of my older brothers has struggled with mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia) for many, many years. It’s very hard to see someone you love in such pain. I realize that I often take for granted my own ability for picking myself back up and dusting myself back off. Obvi way easier said than done (at times) but typically attainable. Thank you for talking about something so important and offering a voice for many who cannot find their own.
thank you so much for sharing <3 we really appreciate your support!
Thank you for sharing. Can’t believe going through that in highschool. Thank you for being authentic and showing us that “trauma isn’t an ending, but the beginning”..
New reader/listener but will be a long time supporter ?
<3 <3 thank u for ur support
My husband committed suicide a month ago, he was such a great man and we had the perfect marriage until 2 years ago when he started showing bouts of rage he has a history of drugs/alcohol abuse he had a very tragic childhood, but when we met and got married all of that was in the past and he was an awesome husband and step father and then an even more awesome father to his daughter and they had an unbreakable bond. He suffered from health issues that started out with Chronic fatigue about 6 years ago and over time it took a toll and he started acting out and being “demonic” he then in the last couple months before his death he became paranoid and thought people were following him all the time and the corona virus pandemic took its toll on April 11 he killed himself a month later I received a toxicology report indicating he was positive for meth. This was a blow to the gut, he had severe chronic fatigue for 6 years and i would guess having used before he felt this would give him the energy he needed to keep going, unfortunately it led to suicide because of the shame and guilt he felt and treating his family so bad the last 2 years I asked him if he was using meth and his answer was why would I do that, I have been there done that. I am just sick to my stomach! He was such a great man of integrity most honest person you would ever meet and to watch the downhill spiral but never did I think he would have committed suicide. I have a 13 year old daughter and I don’t want to keep the truth from her but I don’t know if it will harm or help her in her bereavement.
Your story is distressing I feel sad. I hope you have a happier life now. This story has enclosed the ups and down of life.
It was a huge loss of your family. I am feeling sad after reading your story. I hope things has gotten back normal and your are doing great in life.
Lauryn,
Thank you for telling the story of your beautiful Mother. I can see that she passed her beauty and kindness on to you.
I went to Uni with Wendy and will always remember her smile and friendship. I love her for that. She was always sweet, kind and beautiful to me and I’m sure everyone who met her could say the same. I don’t remember Brad or most people at Uni but I remember Wendy very well.
My sister committed suicide in 2000. It’s a tragedy and we are all left feeling that we missed something or could have done something to prevent it, but it’s in vein as you know. When I heard about Wendy, I was in shock. How could this happen? Such a great loss for you and the world. It’s been quite sometime and I’m sure you have dealt with this years ago. I’m sure it’s made you a stronger person who understands, as your mother did, that everyone is important and valuable. Wendy showed me that 50 years ago. I’ll never forget her kindness. Thank you for sharing.
Ron
thank you for sharing <3
Oh, Lauryn. Thank you for sharing your story. As you write about your mom you share such beautiful details about the way you mimic who she was. The lemons, the books, the beautiful parties and events. She would be so proud of you. ❤️ Proud of how great of a mom you are to your little girl.
thank you so much for these kind words! you are so thoughtful! <3
Thank you for sharing your story. My family also went through a very traumatic event and are currently working through it on the other side.
It is painful and hard to talk about, but I’ve realized that most family’s go through something.
keep pushing forward <3
Lauryn, thank you so much for sharing. It is so hard to talk about this deep vulnerable stuff and to NOT let it define you without having to keep it a secret or bottled up. I lost my first husband to cancer when I was 27, right before our second wedding anniversary. For a long time I let this define and be WHO I was. It was hard to not blurt it out all the time because it felt like a giant elephant in the room. It’s hard to find the balance of grieving and living. I love what you said about it not being about the trauma but what comes after and that’s doing the work! Doing the work on ourselves to then being able to inspire others. Keep shining ! Xo
<3 you are so kind. thank you for being so empathetic and vulnerable!
Wow. I’m shaken and almost in tears. This is one of the most moving, vulnerable, helpful blog posts I’ve read. Everything you said about “It’s what comes after the trauma that really matters” strikes me so much. I’m going to be chewing on that for time to come. Thank you for helping me find peace with my trauma and my healing. Love you and your contributions to the world!
<3 <3 <3 thank you so much for the empathetic feedback. we are sending peace your way as well
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this vulnerable post. Unfortunately I’ve also lost some family members due to suicide, and I completely agree that it can feel incredibly isolating. I’m a huge fan of your blog because of the honesty and transparency in which you communicate with your followers. On a more personal note, I’m (mildly) on the autism spectrum, and I never tell people due to the stigma. But reading this post has inspired me to start telling people my truth <3
thank you so much for reading! <3
I can feel your words and they are powerful. My mom died when I was 9 years under different circumstances. But the way you have described how you felt at the time is very relatable to me. My
Mom was so lively and fun, seemingly healthy. But she kept her sickness hidden and then one day she died from it, no warning. Total shock to my sisters and Dad. I have always wanted to put into words what that was like to grow up without a mom.
I want to help others like you have helped me. Moms like that want to be seen as strong and “perfect” and invincible. They wouldn’t do it any other way. I’ve finally realized that it doesn’t do any good to live in the past or wonder what could have been. What is most important now is to learn from the past and reflect on its many lessons. To have some sort of gratitude that I had a mom who was a pleasant and loving as she was for as long as she was on earth. The post you have written is just what I needed to read and I can’t thank you enough.
Thank you for sharing…..tremendous. What an unbearable loss?! Your mother sounded amazing. And we never know everything about a person, especially back then. You have a gifted voice. : )
I recently lost my mom and I have been listening to your podcast lately which I really love. Today I came across your podcast with Habib Sadeghi and it was the most profound amazing podcast I ever listened to. And there you said, you lost your mom and my heart dropped when I heard how.. It put things into perspective, you lost your mom so early and tragically and I did too, the doctors essentially inhumanely neglected her which led to her early death in the hospital. I am at the point where I dont want this story to define me, so look for others on the same path and how they came out the other side better not bitter, for the lack of a better way to express it. Thank you for sharing and you are absolutely beyond amazing!