To You, From Me. The Most Important Post I Have Ever Written.

by
LAURYN

When I was 18 years old my mom committed suicide.

My sister, Faye, was 13.

One Sunday after working at a local boutique I came home to find my dad & grandma on the couch, sobbing. My first instinct was that my grandfather died. Because that’s what happens when you’re in high school- your grandparents die, not your parents, right?

My dad, obviously not having the words, told me my mom killed herself.

You can imagine my family’s devastation. Devastation that years & years later I still can barely write about. Devastation that cuts you deep & turns your stomach so fucking hard that you want to throw up. Devastation that feels CRIPPLING.

Looking back on my childhood, my mom was beautiful, really funny, charismatic, & always the star of the party. She was the most amazing cook ever- every detail was perfect. I remember every night she would have this effortless but extravagant meal on the table accompanied by a huge chilled pitcher of strawberry/basil water. My mom loved lemons. She put them on everything. EVERYTHING! My dad & her met in high school. Together they opened a bunch of restaurants. The restaurants were the hot spots in town. My dad was always big picture, my mom was crazy about detail. She took care of her skin like no one I have ever seen & would FREAK OUT if I went outside without a hat or sunscreen. HA! Her advice to me was always, no matter what, to have my own thing. My mom read every night until midnight- books were stacked by her bed. And like I said, she was funny- real funny. Never took herself too seriously. If she were alive today she would be totally wanting to come on my blog- she was outgoing. She’d also be so proud of my sister, Faye, who has a one year old son, Daxton ( she LOVED babies! ). Michael & my mom knew each other very well too which is cool ( we went to the same school since we were 12 ). One thing I always remember was she was always kind, giving, & loved to laugh. Everything you’d want in a mother.

Unfortunately she was also very secretive.

Depression & anxiety became so unbearable she felt her only choice was to kill herself.

My mom- Wendy was her name, left behind her fiancé, brother, sister, dad, nephews, nieces, her ex-husband ( my dad ), so many friends, & me and my sister.

When someone commits suicide completely unexpectedly it takes the wind out of you. There’s so many questions. & it’s extremely isolating being left ‘behind.’

Of course my little sister was in junior high & I was in high school- and with that comes rumors. The whole situation was…hard.

The emotional rollercoaster of suicide & mental illness is one I hope you never you never have to ride. It’s one that causes you to feel it all. And feel it all at once: guilt, anger, sadness, regret, confusion, empathy.

At a very young age I realized that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go. And at the end of the day all you really have is a CHOICE…You can let adversity victimize you or fuel you.

I chose at 18 not to lead with this story.

And throughout my career as a blogger, I have chosen, very consciously, not to share this information on the Internet.

I mean I’ve been blogging for 8 years & I never felt the need to share any of this. This is my private business- why would I share something SO personal? Something that runs through my mind on daily basis that is really no one’s business? A piece of me that contains sadness, helplessness, & complete vulnerability. It’s mine to deal with.

But at the same time I am a chronic oversharer- always have been.

I would lay in bed at night, tossing & turning. It went kind of like this:

This is something that my community needs to hear from me.

But it will tear the scab off the wound.

I don’t want to share.

It’s just too painful.

But what if I could help in some way.

…..

After many sleepless nights & a lot of private conversations, I realized there are two reasons I needed to share this with you.

And both reasons have been nagging at me for months.

About a year ago I started to see a lot women who read The Skinny Confidential e-mailing me about their past. The e-mails were pages long about trauma, adversity, & everything in between. This is to be expected because I hope I have created a friendly, positive community. But I saw that a lot of the e-mails had a very specific theme: letting their past define their future.

I understood. All too well actually.

And in knowing I have a platform like this, it feels like I’m doing this community an injustice to not share my story. In fact, after reading so many gut-wrenching e-mails I felt I actually had to do this post.

I am not saying there’s anything wrong with feeling stuck after trauma. I am saying that I hope I can take a stance & be an example for anyone who is struggling & reads my blog. A gentle reminder that your past most definitely does not define your future.

To bullet point it: stop living in the story. Create the life YOU DESERVE. Become hungry, unstoppable, & thrive. Pain doesn’t have to stop you, it can drive you. Don’t settle. You can change anything in your life if you have the right mindset, tools & framework. So go NOW & create an extraordinary life.

( ^^^ All things I learned in this book– it really helped me ).

Another reason for this post is the facade of social media.

To be honest with you it’s absolutely exhausting to scroll through social platforms & see perfection mixed with basically zero vulnerability.

How many of us do this? Really? If we’re being real, I bet every single one of us puts up this sort of facade at one time or another.

Of course I am guilty of it myself…However, it’s time to shake that up.

My friend, Weslie of Double You Dot started a series called “The Magic of Vulnerability.”

I read it. Curled up behind the screen. Where no one could get to me. Or hear my own vulnerabilities. Warm & safe…or so I thought.

It was an epiphany.

Reading her be so open & vulnerable was fucking refreshing. I had this realization that if I wanted this social media facade to change, I “needed to be the change I wished to see.”

So. My reason #2 is to encourage other influencers in this space to speak up. Be more open. Share your story. Take a stance on something you care about. Fashion Week is great & all, but what’s your story? How can you impact your community? How can you change the dialogue in this space to go from macaroons, blowouts, flat-lays, & nail polish to VULNERABILITY & CONNECTION.

These were questions I asked myself- for a year straight, everyday.

For me, the year of 2018 is all about depth. Sure, there will be pretty posts. But there will also be vulnerability. Because that’s life- the good, the bad, & the ugly. I hope everyone in this space can pull the curtain aside- expose the (wo)man behind the curtain just like The Wizard of OZ– we all have one.

Through this post I am not looking for sympathy. If this post can be an example to the strong, incredible women reading that life doesn’t always go as you want it to & just because it doesn’t does not mean the adversity has to dictate your future, then I am happy.

You are in charge. You are the author of your life. Thrive in the face of trauma. LET IT FUEL YOU.

As Mark Manson says: “Trauma is not the ending it’s the beginning.

It turns out that trauma in our lives, in whatever form it takes, isn’t actually the thing that makes us “stronger” in this case. All those inspirational quotes with cheesy sunsets about enduring adversity and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” they all kind of mislead you into thinking that just enduring some form of hardship is enough to steel yourself against future hardship.

That’s not entirely true.

It’s what comes after the trauma that really matters. It’s not the survival of trauma that makes you stronger, it’s the work you put in as a result of the trauma that makes you stronger.

Traumatic experiences shake us to the core. They make us question our fundamental beliefs about the world and our place in it. They make us question the degree of benevolence and kindness and predictability in the world and of the people around us. Some traumas serve as stark reminders of our mortality, something most of us don’t want to think about.” { via }

In short, what work can we all put in as a result of trauma that will make us even stronger?

PHEW. OK. I’M EXHAUSTED.

But this feels good- to share. I’ll be here more often.

I wrote this post in 2 hours today because I have been thinking so deeply about this topic that I felt it didn’t need any curation- I wanted it to come from the heart. I will be very truthful here & say this was not easy to write. While shooting these photos today I actually got physically ill from the anxiety. It was painfully uncomfortable. But I felt it was very important to take my own advice & get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Life is hard sometimes. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.

Ultimately I appreciate all of you & I will continue to provide a platform that promotes women being the best damn version of themselves…bumps in the road & all.

Thanks for listening, lauryn X

+ If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, The Suicide Prevention Lifeline has 24/7, free & confidential support for people in distress, prevention, & crisis resources: 1-800-273-8255.

OH, ALSO:

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  1. Christie

    Thank you for this Lauryn, I’ve been thinking the exact same thing lately, make up, clothes and selfies are great but where’s the vulnerability and honestly in what people are putting out there. This is so refreshing and you are so brave for sharing. I’m sure this will help everyone who reads it in some way or another. Sorry for your loss, Christie x

    Reply
  2. Jessica

    Hi Lauryn, I have been reading your blog for years & have listened to your podcast since the beginning. I’ve always found you relate able, honest and true to yourself. This is the best post I’ve read for you because it is so raw and vulnerable. I commend and thank you for sharing such a difficult topic. I am terribly sorry for your loss and know how difficult it must have been to write this. This post is a reminder that we all have our shit, our own stories and our own selves behind closed doors and the facade of social media. Thank you again.

    Reply
  3. ladysir

    This is the most beautiful and crucial post you’ve written in your career. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. Everyone sees your gloss and perfection — but this is what your audience needs to see and hear. I now understand why you’re so rooted in camaraderie, support and invincibility. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  4. Lauren

    What a powerful and beautiful post. So sorry for your loss. So strong of you to share as I bet it helped at least one person out.

    Reply
  5. Amy

    Thank you for sharing this. You are spot on that being vulnerable on social media is the way we can stay connected as humans. Otherwise, we risk isolating one another and fueling the “I’m the only one” fire. I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m heartened by how you’ve used what has happened in your life to propel you forward instead of holding you back.

    Reply
  6. Rebecca

    Lauryn- I lost someone I was very close to (my best friend’s husband) to suicide last January… 13 months later I still feel paralyzed by sadness and pain for myself and for my best friend. I still cry randomly and what happened is never far from my mind. This post is such a well written reminder that these painful events don’t have to define us and that everybody has things that they try to cover up on social media. This post is something I needed and such a strong reminder of the community you’ve created. I’m so sorry for your loss

    Reply
  7. Janet Fazio

    Thank you for sharing. We need more people to be open about mental health issues to release them from the stigma that they have become. I applaud your courage and hope that it gives others the confidence to share their stories as well.

    Reply
  8. Madison

    Thank you Lauryn for sharing this part of your story. It’s very difficult to open up and be vulnerable but it inspires others to do the same.

    Reply
  9. Julia Bodette

    LAURYN – THANK YOU FOR BEING A BEAMING LIGHT OF VULNERABILITY + STRENGTH. I cannot even fathom how much courage it took for you to sit down and write this and then click ‘post’ and send this facet of your life to the world. As someone who dealt with (fuck, continues to work through) addiction & mental health issues in a parent, knowing that there are other driven, beautiful, and strong women that have a similar story means so much! <3

    Reply
  10. Elizabeth

    I can’t imagine how hard it was to go through this and share this with us. Thank you for creating this community and sharing with us!

    Reply
  11. Erin @ Her Heartland Soul

    Thank you for sharing this Lauryn. It is usually the most painful parts of our journey that shape us the most. Like you, I believe you can use the worst pain to produce the most good. Sending love your way. <3

    Reply
  12. Melissa

    Thank you for sharing this. I think it can and will help a lot of people and the message definitely resonates with me. Thank you!

    Reply
  13. Madeline

    Thank you so much for posting this! You are so strong and such an inspiration. I love when bloggers open up and talk about what’s really going on in their lives. I love seeing how women like you grow incredibly through struggles. Much love!!

    Reply
  14. Holly

    I have been reading your blog for years now & I am so thankful that you wrote this post. It was beautifully written and has touched many people. Social media certainly can be the “good stuff” only, and I agree that it is important to show our more vulnerable moments as that is truly what makes us human.

    Reply
  15. m

    This is such an important post. You have so much strength and I couldnt agree more w the social media facade. We all go through very tough times and I think keeping the conversation open is important. Im so sorry for your loss. You are such a beautiful and real person. Its crazy how much the facebook group helps people with REAL TOUGH problems. thank you for creating a platform and doing shit like this. We love you!

    Reply
  16. Molly

    You are such an inspiration to me and so many others. Thank you sharing this with us all. This is helping me so much today.

    Reply
  17. Lindsay

    Thank you for sharing this. I cannot imagine how hard it was for you not only to share this, but to live this and my heart breaks for you and your family. You’re doing your community such a service by sharing this and reminding us that life is looking forward and positivity. So much love for you <3

    Reply
  18. Casey

    Thank you for sharing Lauryn – a beautifully written post.

    I really appreciate you sharing this, and I agree that you have two paths you can take when it comes to trauma.

    Xxxxxx

    Reply
  19. Dee Cee

    I can’t imagine how hard this post must be for you to share. I truly hope that in a way, writing this post was therapeutic for you. Facing this fear of acknowledging what happened, and putting it out in the world, is so hard and I commend you for putting yourself out there. I am so sorry for your loss. <3

    Reply
  20. Jessica

    Lauryn, I want you to know you are setting people free today. Rather, opening a door through which they can free themselves. I am so proud of you. Thank you for being so generous with your story and so authentic. You’re incredible!

    Reply
  21. Robyn

    Thank you for sharing your story. This was incredibly brave and well written – I started tearing up when reading it.

    Thank you for always being REAL and vulnerable, which is something most bloggers hide from.

    Reply
  22. sarah

    Thanks for sharing, Lauryn! I have often wondered why you never mentioned your mother, and commend you for being so strong and open with your readers to open up about something so personal. I am sure you have helped many people with this post! I love following you on all platforms, and this realness is the reason!
    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  23. Shannon

    Wow, Lauryn – this was a very powerful post. In fact, it brought me to tears. I want to echo another comment that said: this post is going to set people free & you opened a door that is so needed. That is an amazing thing to do with your words and your story. I can’t imagine everything you went through & looking at these pictures is very, very moving. I hope this post helps others but thank you for the reminder to not be defined by your past. I’ll admit, it’s something I too struggle with. I applaud you for urging more influencers to tell more stories, especially in this day & age. Vulnerability humanizes what is behind the screen. Sending you a virtual hug. xxx Shannon

    Reply
  24. kristin vangundy

    OH MY GOODNESS!!! YOU gave me goosebumps! Thank YOU!!!!! For sharing YOUR STORY and being REAL!!!!! A beautiful Trauma….. PINK! but its YOU!!!! SO inspired by your words!

    Reply
  25. Alice

    Omg Lauryn, bless your heart for sharing this and being vulnerable…this is real life shit and it sucks but we can and we do persevere, learn, and grow through the hurt. I have a mother with mental illness who I am now watching over, and it is very frustrating at times…the struggle is so f***** real. I am an only child and the only one left in the family to help her, and thank God I have a supportive spouse. Mental illness is such a real and serious issue in this country and I think the more stories we can share and shed light on this issue, the better. I am looking forward to listening to your podcast today on this topic. You are so not alone in this, and once again, thank you for sharing all that you do–the good, the bad, and the not so pretty. XOXO.

    Reply
  26. Tori

    One of only two blogs I read anymore for just this reason, the vulnerability. I think a lot of readers are over the perfect facade on our feeds. Your blog & the TSC FB group are a safe space full of women who actually want to dive into what is is to be human. Thank you SO much for your honesty. Sending love, xoxo

    Reply
  27. Carrie

    Wow, thanks for sharing this, Lauryn, and for spreading this message about strength and resilience. I spent way too many years acting the part of the victim for my sucky family life. All the while, my amazing life was happening and I was missing it! You are an amazing woman and I so appreciate you sharing this story, your vulnerability, AND your positivity. XOXOXO!!!

    Reply
  28. Lola

    Lauryn, I have been reading your blog since 2013 and can 100% say this is the best post you have ever written. Not because of how vulnerable you let yourself become, but because of how you so eloquently were able to channel your emotions into inspiring all of us to more forward regardless of any trauma in life. “Your past doesn’t define your future” is SO powerful and I wish that more people came to terms with that. I admire your strength and cannot imagine how difficult this must have been to write. I too have experienced trauma that I have never shared on any social platform, simply because I am not ready, but I hope to one day find the inner strength that you have to share such personal information. Always remember – if your mom were around today she would have been incredibly proud of you, Faye (and your adorable nephew!!), the community you have created, the businesses that you and Michael run, and most importantly who you have become as a person. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life with us and I look forward to all of the posts you have coming in 2018.

    Reply
  29. Connie

    I came searching for your meal plan, but this caught my eye. It’s funny, I think we come across these messages in the exact moments we need to hear them… because this (not the meal plan) was the message I needed to hear today. Thank you so much for your openness and vulnerability; it’s literally life changing. I suspect the impact of this post will be further reaching than you realize. XX.

    Reply
  30. Gemma

    I’ve never commented before but I wanted to praise you for your bravery and thank you for sharing a very private piece of yourself x

    Reply
  31. Estelle Emery

    I’m a freshman at SDSU right now and last year (senior year of high school) one of my best friends committed suicide. This post means so much to me, thank you endlessly.

    Reply
  32. Carmen Varner

    Thank you for sharing your story, Lauryn. I lost my mum when I was young as well & it’s not something I’ve shared with many people. Being older than my parent isn’t something that gets easier – it’s a loss that tends to grow, but I feel like I’ve learned a lot. Just wanted to say, lots of love.

    Reply
  33. Jaclyn

    Thank you for this post. I’ve been a long time reader of your blog and never felt compelled to post until now. My father committed suicide when I was 10 years old, so I feel your pain. Thanks again for sharing. Great blog and podcast, by the way 🙂

    Reply
  34. Patti

    (((Lauryn❤️)))
    I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure your post will help many people.
    P.

    Reply
  35. Sara

    You are simply amazing! Thank you for being vilulnerable with us all.. all the more reasons why we love & follow you. xo

    Reply
  36. Valerie

    Thank you so much for sharing your story Lauryn. I struggle with depression and talking about it in an open way makes it so much more bearable. It’s really a conversation that needs to be had. You are truly an inspiration that inspires women everyday xoxo

    Reply
  37. Lisa

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    My father committed suicide a little over a year ago and as a professional writer, I’ve shared a lot about my feelings because I want people to know how it feels to be left behind and to break the stigma about mental illness and suicide. Your words encourage me to keep on going, even though my heart still aches.

    Reply
  38. Sarah

    WOW. What a strong woman you are. It’s beautiful to hear how much you take after your mother in so many ways. You are an incredible being for opening up about something so personal, but imagine all the lives you are touching by doing so. I thank you for having the courage to share this with the world. So many, if not all, have had deep troubles in our childhood, in our relationships, in our lives, but you are truly walking evidence that these things do not define us. These struggles, trials, injustices and heartbreaks can truly fuel us to become better beings. Thank you for being raw, for being courageous, for being real.

    Reply
  39. Shaina

    Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable and incredible side of you. It’s not easy but more stories like this need to be heard!!! You are so amazing and there’s a reason you are the only true blogger I follow. Thank you for always keeping it real. Sending lots of love to you and your family.

    Reply
  40. Taylor Grewe

    Sending you so much! I’m all about a movement to create this space as a place for vulnerability and connection. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your heart !

    Reply
  41. Laura

    Wow, Thank you Lauryn. This will go deeper and further than you could ever know. It’s not easy to share your pain and truth and you continue to do so — it’s nice to know no one is truly alone. Xoxo

    Reply
  42. Melissa

    Thank you for sharing! I needed this reminder that your parent’s story is not your story and it does not have to define you. I am Delong w the sudden death of my dad and I have taken a little break from my brand because I am not feeling like my self and feel my posts are not authentic.i needed to refocus. Thank you for the reminder to push thru and use thee feelings as fuel and take the opportunity to make the changes you want. Thank you for your courage and honesty. Xxstay golden

    Reply
  43. Carol Warren

    Oh Sweetie,
    I admire your bravery writing and opening about your mom. She was a lot of fun and so nice & beautiful. She’d be so proud of you and Faye ( and of the mother she’s become). Your strength is quite unbelievable. Xxoo

    Reply
  44. Sarah

    Thank you for bravely sharing such a personal story to your many, many followers. This was the most important thing I have read all day. ❤️

    Reply
  45. Liv Dockerty

    This was amazing! Thank you for sharing Lauryn <3 Anxiety and depression affects SO many people and yet it is still taboo to talk about. Talking about it alone can help the way you feel. I appreciate you so much for doing this xoxo

    Reply
  46. Vanessa Gringer

    Wow! I was lead to this page by another page and first time I’m reading and all I want to say is you are a rockstar!!! Be proud of yourself because vulnerability is beautiful xoxo vanessa

    Reply
  47. Carissa Knapp

    THANK YOU for this! I always aim to be vulnerable but of course, shy away at times and feel like “why on earth would I share these things? Nobody needs to know.” But you are SO right about it being a part of life and the need to take back Social Media.

    This year, I made a point to ‘Rise Strong” (as Brene Brown put it) by Showing Up FULLY and being vulnerable is a part of that. This reminds me of her ted talk on vulnerability – of how embracing and facing pain allows us to also decide to rise out of it. To be fully known and finally agree that we are fully loved.

    I cannot imagine what you went through. Thank you for letting us in even more, it shows, once again – the strength you choose to contain and pursue. Your influence is not seen as something you take lightly and I cannot imagine the pressure a spotlight can bring, but I love the community you have formed out of it and that you continue to show up fully. It is so inspiring. This is odd, but thank you for also choosing to pursue life after despair and being courageous enough to do so. Your contribution is so important and I am SO thankful for it.

    Reply
  48. Erika Dellatorre

    Wow thanks for being so brave and sharing your FULL story with us. I know that took major guts and hopefully you can help others be more open, decide to not let adversity define them and perhaps even save a life or two. You are magic!

    Reply
  49. Danielle

    Your bravery is amazing, Lauryn. I’ve been with your blog from the beginning years and have admired your strength to create a Skinny Confidential empire and used it as inspo to create my own blog. You’re strength to share the hard times along with all your advice is incredible. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your strength in sharing this post <3 TSC community is always here with you.

    Reply
  50. Mindy@FindingSilverLinings.net

    Thank you for sharing this. I can’t imaging how difficult it must be. I feel like every family has traumatic experiences. Coincidently my extremely close (albeit extened family) is in the middle of a crisis as of yesterday. I needed to read this post. I was a die hard follower upon hearing your first podcast because I felt you connect. That’s what this (internet) is all about. Connecting and relationships. Thanks again. Keep crushing it!

    Reply
  51. Barbie

    “Fashion Week is great & all, but what’s your story? How can you impact your community?” Thanks for being one step forward, for being brave enough to share this story! Thanks for being real, for sharing everything and for building a community!

    Reply
  52. Janessa

    Thank you so much for sharing his and being vulnerable. My dad commuted suicide when I was 11 so I very much relate.

    Reply
  53. Carissa

    THANK YOU for this! I always aim to be vulnerable but of course, shy away at times and feel like “why on earth would I share these things? Nobody needs to know.” But you are SO right about it being a part of life and the need to take back Social Media.

    This year, I made a point to ‘Rise Strong” (as Brene Brown put it) by Showing Up FULLY and being vulnerable is a part of that. This reminds me of her ted talk on vulnerability – of how embracing and facing pain allows us to also decide to rise out of it. To be fully known and finally agree that we are fully loved.

    I cannot imagine what you went through. Thank you for letting us in even more, it shows, once again – the strength you choose to contain and pursue. Your influence is not seen lightly and I cannot imagine the pressure a spotlight can bring, but I love the community you have formed out of it and that you continue to show up fully. It is so inspiring. This is odd, but thank you for also choosing to pursue life after despair and being courageous enough to do so. Your contribution is so important and I am SO thankful for it.

    Reply
  54. Chelsea Erica Smith

    Lauryn, you have been a leader in my life for years now. As soon as I saw your Instagram story, I immediately knew exactly what the post was going to be on. Although we don’t know each other personally, I feel like you’re one of my best friends. You’ve influenced me in remarkable ways. I constantly look forward to your humor and stories and tips and am captivated by your relentless drive to be better. Thank you for extending yourself today, it means more than you know.

    Reply
  55. Candice

    Love this post! I read the Double Dot You blog as well and am definitely thinking and planning the ways I can share my own vulnerability more. Xoxo

    Reply
  56. Any

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. This touched me so much. It’s so nice to see/hear another side to someone who seems so perfect. I am a newer reader and love everything about you. You’re so real and honest and it’s refreshing. Thank you again, for sharing.

    Reply
  57. Pauline

    Lauryn, I’ve been following your work for about a year or so. At first, to be honest, I thought you weren’t much more than a pretty, self-made woman with fabulous lifestyle tips to share. Throughout the year, I’ve tuned in to your podcasts and read your posts, and I’ve witnessed as you’ve evolved to focusing on more deep-cutting and vulnerable topics. This is great content, and you fantastic at telling stories big and small. Suicide has affected my immediate family as well, and I am happy to know that I am not alone in choosing to not let it define my future. Thank you

    Reply
  58. Melissa

    Thanks so much for this post Lauryn. I, too, am a suicide survivor. This is just the kind of post I needed to see and to start living my life again. So much love and respect <3

    Reply
  59. Jamie

    Lauryn, thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us. It is truly inspiring, and speaks volumes about the woman you are.

    Social media is such a tricky thing, isn’t it? People can curate their feeds so meticulously to portray “the ideal life”, all while they may be dealing with intense hardships. I think a lot of people think we, as an audience, don’t want to see the bits of “real life” – the ugly, the mess, the depression, the struggles – but those things are what make us human and make us who we are. I gravitate towards people who open up, share the scary shit, and are real. I hope to do the same.

    Thank you, thank you. xx

    Reply
  60. Deb

    Hi Lauryn

    Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate your depth and your honesty. I always tell my girls never to compare their insides to someone else’s outsides. I have done a lot of comparing to you. Not in a bad way, I so admire and respect you and Michael. You just make it all look so easy. I have heard that myself a bunch and say it to my oldest daughter a bunch too. We are not sure if that is a compliment or insult either. I do not mean it that way. Sometimes when we are happy, outgoing and optimistic people don’t know how to take it. So they say it looks easy. I know your life is much more complex, as all of ours are. I have listened to your struggles and know how much you’ve gone through.

    I feel like you’re a friend and I appreciate and applaud your integrity and willingness to share these glimpses into your world… the curated Instagram worthy and the truly real.

    Enjoy your success, your happiness and your family. I am sure your Mom would be so very proud and in awe of the woman you are.

    xoxoxox

    Reply
  61. Tia

    Thank you for sharing. You are my spirit animal. I have two stories that I want to share in depth but still haven’t gotten to that space yet to write about it. Your inspiring me to at least type a rough draft.

    Reply
  62. Ashley Vaughn

    Beautifully written! Thanks for being a great big sister to Faye. I remember in middle school when this happened ?

    Reply
  63. Sarah

    Thank you so much for this post.
    Your honesty, vulnerability and strength shine through.
    I am going through an extremely difficult time – I fled my abusive husband, have been returned by the International court to to battle him in courts there, have a toddler and am pregnant, and have no support whatsoever in the country I’m being made to go to. People would find the story unbelievable if it were a movie. Sadly it’s not. It’s my life. I’m not past the trauma as everyday something new emerges but you give me hope.

    Reply
  64. Paige

    ❤️❤️❤️ You should feel so proud. Thank you for sharing with us, it will help more people than you’ll ever know.

    Reply
  65. Beth

    Wow. As a reader of your blog since day one your post about your Nanz and this post hit me so hard, so beautifully written. I agree we seem to lack this vulnerability in the social space and we need to shake it up. Share the sweet with the sour. This post is so beautiful and so heartbreaking – just like life. I love how you let adversity fuel you in life and find you so inspiring in so many ways, but this post added one more to my list! This encourages me to share my own story and break through the IG facafe more with my readers. Thank you for shining your light so brightly for others.

    Reply
  66. kristen wong

    AHHHH .. I couldn’t wait to see what you wrote when you said you were sharing something very close to your heart and I am so glad you did! Yes you are totally right in hoping to reach anyone that has gone through this and feels alone. I have always loved that you’ve been so open and engaged with your readers, especially with me! I have actually experience losing something from suicide twice in my life. The first I wasn’t very close to anymore when it happened but it still hurt to know that someone I was once pretty close to felt the need to do something so tragic. Second time was actually last year. One of my boyfriends closest friends actually. This was a total whirlwind for my boyfriend. He saw him in probably the worst state you would want to see one of your closest friends and its been a whole year of trying not to let something so tragic get in the way of his own life. I am so sorry you had to go through something like that and I know a part of what happened made you the strong woman you are today. I look at your moms pictures and you 2 look so alike!!! Just wanted to say thanks for opening up to us about this and letting us in. Thanks for always sharing and thanks for always doing what you do!! Love you Lauryn!! xo

    Reply
  67. Marlee Zeman

    So proud of you. This took a lot of strength. Oddly I remember your mom very clearly when Mia, Faye and I would have play dates starting at the age of 4 she was always so beautiful and sweet. I also lost a family member to sucicide (my cousin) and I had some of those same feelings you mentioned. It’s amazing you are sharing this message it will have an impact for sure. Love your podcast btw ?

    Reply
  68. Catherine

    Ughhhhh Lauryn Evarts. You are my female hero of life. Your honesty and “realness” is commendable and inspirational. You are an incredible lady and the women of our generation are lucky to have you. Thanks for putting out positive, empowering content and sharing your story.

    Reply
  69. meg

    Thank you for such an important post. This was so powerful- I will remember it forever. I hope you know how much this will mean to people and how much strength we can take from this. Shoes, makeup and clothes are fun and I love reading about every single wellness tip i can get my hands on, but this is real shit. Its hard to read, as I am sure its infinitely harder to experience and write. I cant imagine what you’ve been through but I see where you are now, and that is a true testament to your character and your strength. This is real, this is changing and this will make an impact. Thank you so much. The world needs more of this.

    Reply
  70. Julia

    This is so brave to share Lauryn. You are truly baring your soul to create a safe place for other to do so and a space for connection. This is EXACTLY what our world needs more of – more love, more realness, more connection, more grounded truth, more real growth. I am so inspired by you and hope to continue what you have planted here. Thank you, thank you , thank you.

    Reply
  71. Kiersten

    Thank you for sharing Lauryn! I, as well as the rest of the community I’m sure, appreciate you and the authenticity you always have in your posts.

    Much love!

    Reply
  72. Sheridan

    Loved this more than you know! Your blog is one of the only ones I actually read these days and this is why!!

    Reply
  73. Joelle Tomasso Walters

    THIS was so raw, refreshing and beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us, despite the pain and anxiety it caused you. Thank you for making the choice to write your own story & to inspire all of your readers along the way. You 1,000% stand out from the crowd & you inspire others to do the same. Thank you♥️

    Reply
  74. Lauren

    Thank you for sharing your story with us Lauryn. I have always loved your content, today I love you even more (L)

    Reply
  75. Emily

    Thank you for writing this. If you are wondering if writing this would help someone, it did. I cannot thank you enough for putting yourself and your story out there to help others. Reading your account of your trauma and the fact that you went on to be this idolized, successful blogger is something I truly needed to see from someone right now. It’s hard to believe that after so much trauma that you can make something of yourself. Thank you for giving me proof that you can.

    Reply
  76. Admiria

    The first sentence literally shook me. I’ve been following you for a while now and this is something I never would’ve imagined. First, I’m so sorry and I pray for you and your family and second, thank you. I honestly can’t really find the words for this comment but I just really hope you know we appreciate you and I personally admire and look up to you and just the necessity of everything you share. Your strength is inspirational and your love for this community is insane ❤️

    Reply
  77. Amy

    I was one of the emails. I sent you my story. Your post means so much to me and so many others. Thank you for being open and honest. You are forever loved by the community you’ve built, even more so for your vulnerability ♥️

    Reply
  78. Christie

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️this story. Your so fucking unstoppaple and now I know why. Your so so focused and driven. But, now your human and I couldn’t fucking love you more. Seeing people vulnerable is seeing who they really are at their core! Thank you for being so brave and sharing. Truly, I thought you were great before but now I fucking know it. Beautiful.❤️❤️❤️inside and out.

    Christie

    Reply
  79. Danni

    I’ve been a longtime follower of your blog but I haven’t commented before. My father committed suicide when I was in my early 20’s and this post resonated with me so much. THANK YOU for being vulnerable and sharing. Using your influence to shed light on mental health is so brave and I am so appreciative. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  80. Amber

    I want to simply say thank you for being vulnerable and choosing depth as a theme for 2018!

    Reply
  81. Drew

    Thank you for being so vulnerable. Such a breath of fresh air to see someone with so much influence help other women understand that it is okay to not be okay! And that you can still come out of it in the end ❤️

    Reply
  82. Natalie

    Your best post ever! Thank you for sharing your story with love! I have an abusive past, and the financial story I was raised with doesn’t work for me. You’re absolutely right about deciding what one wants, and making choices that align with one’s inner truth and goals. Keep inspiring! It’s beautiful! ????

    Reply
  83. J

    Thank you love. So sorry for what you have been through. You are a gift and a special light to this world ❤️

    Reply
  84. Danielle

    I have been following you for months now, just love all the things you share and I learn so much! Just wanted to say thank you for being brave! Thank you for wanting to unite women! People need more of this! Realness, kindness and love! So sorry for your loss , but god will use you to help others! Xoxo

    Reply
  85. Jessie

    Lauryn, your beautiful, heart-wrenching story had me smiling, tearing up and all the emotions in between. Most importantly, you are paying tribute to your mother Wendy’s legacy and rewriting your own history in the process, and it’s absolutely magical to be let into that process. My own father had multiple suicide attempts and has been in the care of a hospital for the past 8 years, and I’m really navigating tricky waters right there with you as I do my best to work through it. I’ve been a loyal reader for years but never would have thought we shared certain heartbreaking commonalities. This is exactly why I began studying health and focus on mental wellness because people, loved ones, lives are at stake here. Thank you so much for spreading the love and, as always, drawing positivity and light out of a dark memory so many of us are afraid to share. Sending so much love to you from the Philippines!! Xx

    Reply
  86. teaghan

    So much love Lauryn. Probably the most beautiful and powerful post you have ever written in the 8 years I’ve been reading. We all have trauma so can relate in different ways. I read this yesterday and haven’t stopped thinking of you all day today at work. That kind of vulnerability is so incredibly powerful, thank you xxx

    Reply
  87. Chantel

    Such beautiful words and what a beautiful mother you have.
    Thanks for sharing, going through some pretty hard mental illness stuff in my immediate family rn and it’s hard as hell and SO real.
    Love you for your words and authenticity
    Xoxox

    Reply
  88. Vinitha

    Much love Lauryn? You are an exceptionally real person & that was what first made me follow you

    Reply
  89. Hayley Larue

    So amazing that you shared this, Lauryn. It really is an important thing to talk about, and I’m so sorry this was something your mom went through, but also so glad to hear your family was able to move forward in a positive light. <3

    BlondieintheCity.com 

    Reply
  90. Caroline

    Oh my goodness, thank you SO SO much for sharing this vulnerability Lauryn. This hits me to the core – I lost my brother just one month ago to an unexpected overdose and this post truly hit home. Life is never the same after losing a loved one – but my hope is to make a damn good life for myself that he’s be proud of! XOXO

    Reply
  91. Anna

    Thank you for sharing, your realness is refreshing in a sea of curated seemingly perfect social media personas. You have already helped and inspired so many women with your business advice and lifestyle tips. This raw vulnerability and sharing such a personal, traumatic aspect of your life gives an even more safe space for the women in your fb group and in all of TSC community to be open, share and help each other. My heart goes out to you and your family for your tragic loss. Thank you for continuing to be such a beautiful, real, voice.

    Reply
  92. Esma Aguel

    This post was breathtaking… I cannot imagine what you felt and still feel and I am so sorry for your loss. You can truly be proud of yourself, proud of making it count and turning this dramatic experience into a positive outcome for you… again sorry about it and continue shining ✨

    Reply
  93. Alexandria

    Thanks for sharing this story! I’m not quite ready to share my full truth on social media but I so much appreciate the spirit of honesty and support you’ve created! I just found you on IG yesterday and am so happy I did! (I also need everything delivered likeee yesterday ??) sending you lots of love

    Reply
  94. Claire

    Hey Lauryn, thanks for opening up and sharing this with us. I can only imagine how difficult this was to write. I love that you use your platform to actually strive and make a difference in our lives. It is truly refreshing. Thank you for all that you do xx Claire

    Reply
  95. Anonymous

    You are amazing to share this. Hits me to the core. My mother attempted suicide once when I was 16 and then again when I was 20. I am beyond grateful to still have her in my life but it’s a very traumatic experience for me to think about and many people do not know. I still have really bad anxiety about this because I found her the last time. I only had the courage to talk to my husband about it once and I was not sober to say the least. It’s truly a nightmare to relive so I applaud you immensely for digging deep and putting this out there. You are right, strength doesn’t come from going through hell and back , it’s what you do after the smoke clears. xo

    Reply
  96. Heather B

    Lauryn,I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this post.I came into 2018 finding myself confronting a incident from 20 years ago.My motto has always been to confront things head on but I realized I had not been confronting this head on I had always told myself this was not my story I was simply a bystander but honestly just being a bystander this had a huge impact on my life.Thank you for always being real and daring to go where no one else will.That is one of reasons I love your blog .

    Reply
  97. Anne

    Lauryn, this message is all I can think about for the last day. You are inspiring. You are beautiful in every way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lots of love

    Reply
  98. Melanie

    “Be the change you wish to see,” and that you did. Thank you for being so brave and being able to unveil everything society expects from you. Perfection doesn’t exist and we all can learn from amazing (but tough) stories. You’re using your presence on social media to show empowerment and sympathy to your community. The rockstar we all wish to be has to have scars and weak spots otherwise what are we asking for? Perfect is boring, you’re a rockstar, and the coolest person to look up to. Thank you.

    Reply
  99. Codi

    Thank you for sharing! Just another reason why you are the best 🙂 so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  100. Nicki

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Everyone has their stories, everyone has their traumas, and I have so much love and respect for those who can stand up, be vulnerable, and let it fuel them. You built your empire from the ground up, you hustled, you worked, you bled, you sweat, you cried – all for your baby. And at the end of the day, you dared to stand up, face your community, and say “I’m not done breaking down the walls yet, here’s a new frontier.” You are going to be one face in a sea of change, of strong women speaking up for themselves and for others, and I’m so glad you are around to continue inspiring and building me up to be the best bad bitch I can be.

    I don’t know yet where to start building my castle, but I know you are part of the reason I have the drive and passion to find the way. This post is reflective of my next tattoo – “glory & gore go hand in hand.” We all have our pain, and we can all use that pain to fuel us, to burn bright, to be a girl on fire.

    Reply
  101. Amy Samuel

    It’s interesting … I am just starting a lifestyle blog (I got laid off 3 weeks ago and instead of panicking, I started writing), and last night, after my husband and I pulled back into the driveway after having spent a few hours in the hospital because he was having unusual abdominal pain (blood work and CT scan came back normal), I retrieved the mail and found a flyer asking for donations to help pay medical costs for a local 6-year-old with Leukemia. I looked at my set up ready to take a photo of some fancy shampoo bottles, and I said to my husband, “You know, the clothes and the make-up are fun … but it doesn’t *mean* anything. It isn’t important. It doesn’t help *this* ::waving the flyer around::. Parents are begging strangers for money so their baby can get cancer care and I’m writing about shampoo.” Then I see your Insta, and come to read your article, and *this* matters. *This* is important. Bloggers have a platform and we need to use it to help others as much as we reasonably can. You are always such an inspiration, sweetheart.

    Reply
  102. iwannabealdy

    I want to say thank you for caring enough about your readers and wanting to make a positive impact that you’d fight through the pain of writing this post. And I do believe that vulnerability takes strength. I’ve wrestled with myself at night over sharing certain aspects of my past as well, and this post has encouraged me to have a deeper conversation with myself by not approaching the idea with so much resistance. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us. You’ve placed it in good hands.
    iwannabealady.com

    Reply
  103. Megan Hogg

    Wow, thanks for sharing! It seems like you and your family are living your best lives and I’m sure it has a lot to do with her influence. Beautiful post!

    Reply
  104. Hailey

    Just another reason that you are so much more than an “influencer.” If everyone out there had a soul as beautiful as yours the world would be a much better place. Thank you for sharing. xxx

    Reply
  105. Sarah

    I have followed you for YEARS. You are so brave for writing this. Your bravery truly touched me and in turn is making me think how I can be more vulnerable and help people. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are one tough cookie- keep up with all this amazingness your starting.

    Reply
  106. Kate

    Lauryn-I don’t think I expected this post when I first saw your Instagram post about it, but I am so glad this is what it was. I am currently 28 years old and I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years (but we have been dating since we were 14). We got married on October 4th, 2014 and less than a year later, on September 21st, 2015, we lost my husband’s father to suicide. The words you used to describe your experience, your pain, and your current challenges, were absolutely perfect. I have never found another person, other than my husband and our family, that can truly understand the type of emotions and trauma you feel in a situation like this. Similar to your beautiful mother, my father-in-law was such an intellectual. He thrived the most when he was reading and learning. He was one of the smartest people I had ever met. None of us had any idea that he was battling something much darker. He was a master at hiding this dark side of himself, and never wanted his wife or children to see him depressed and hopeless. As you also experienced, this made the day of his death that much more painful and gut-wrenching. I still continue to have flashbacks in my head from that horrible day and I think of him all the time. I still feel pain for my husband, knowing that he doesn’t have his best friend anymore. In the end though, all we can do is push forward. We are slowly coming up on the three year mark, and while time doesn’t completely heal all wounds, it makes me so hopeful to see how far you have come. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your eloquent words and even though writing your post was difficult for you, please know that it was very powerful for me to read. I wish you all the success in the world and I know your mother would be so proud of you. Lots of love.

    Reply
  107. daisy b

    thank you for sharing. i have taken so much away from this post. i appreciated your honesty and light before, i have even more respect and admiration for you after reading this latest post. xoox

    Reply
  108. Megan H

    Lauryn, you are an incredible human being. This brought me to tears and touched my heart. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for having the COURAGE to share this. You are helping so many people who may not have the strength or voice to do the same. THANK YOU. You are an inspiration. Sending you & your family prayers and love.

    Reply
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  110. Lisa

    In the midst of photoshopped skin, whitened teeth, fake boobs, fake hair, plastic surgery, altered photos of vacations/coffee/fake tans with expensive outfits/ blowouts and professional makeup (all of which I love but also can make me feel not good enough) …. It is SO refreshing to read something so raw and REAL. I know this took courage. You are beautiful, smart, brave, and strong. Thanks Lauryn.

    Reply
  111. Kanyi

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sending you lots of hugs. Most importantly, I learnt it’s not okay to let your past define you.

    Reply
  112. Trisha

    ??? this post! In my struggles it helps me to think about what other people are going through and I try to focus and be grateful for the positives I have (while some people might not have any or as many). For example, my son has to have open heart surgery but I’m lucky because they have identified a problem they know how to fix versus millions of people who suffer from chronic fatigue, depression, pain etc. and they don’t know why. I’m not saying I don’t feel sad and have moments of self-pity but this helps me and I hope it helps someone else. Thanks Lauryn for sharing. Trish xx

    Reply
  113. Melissa Rakowski

    Thank you for sharing your story…I have read your blog for years and guess that I am close to your mom’s age. I have read/watched a beautiful young girl grow into a confident, badass, superstar. I’m sure she’s watching over you and is very proud.

    Reply
  114. Stephanie D

    This. Is. Amazing. Thank you, Lauryn. Myself and hundreds of others reading this understand that trauma and are moved reading this. Perfectly stated.

    Reply
  115. Hailey

    Thank you so much for sharing this, Lauryn. I lost my best friend to suicide nearly 4 years ago now and have been struggling with it, especially lately. I appreciate how you describe the loss so accurately – it really is like the wind being knocked out of you, over and over again. I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve experienced, too.

    Reply
  116. Gen

    My dad killed himself a month after my 19th birthday and 8 days after my younger sister died suddenly. In 8 days half my family was gone. There are always times when people ask me what my sister and dad do for a living, or where they live. They always follow up, after I’ve said they were dead with “how did they die?”. The shame and sadness that comes with those words is something that has become easier but also cuts me every time I hear it.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    Reply
    1. Donna Mason

      I am so sorry to hear this. That is just awful. My heartfelt condolences are with you Gen.

      Lauren I am a long time reader and podcast follower from the beginning as well. I almost did not comment here. I will keep this short. I wanted to stop reading the blog and listening to the podcasts as the “brand” seemed to be about the SALE. Then I read this……
      I too have experienced what you have written about here. It is crushing and I wanted to extend my condolences for what you have been through and let you know that you have SO much of your beautiful Mother in you and I know she is shining down on the woman you have become and so very proud of you on many levels. I could go on but your post was on point in every way. Very proud of you!

  117. Eve

    Wow thank you for sharing Lauren, my dad died when I was 2 in a car accident… he was a guy everyone knew and still talks about today (which kills me as I should be able to have those memories of him but I don’t…) I’m 29 now and it’s one of the only things that has stopped me from having a family… I’ve been filled with fear from such a young age that I’ll succumb to the same fate as my mum and lose the love of my life (especially if we start family… I always felt I had taken his place in this world) but reading your take on this is so refreshing and even though I’m not sure how to reset my mind set you give me hope that I can and that one day I can have a life I deserve without guilt or fear it will be taken away. Thanks you x

    Reply
  118. Ace

    Wow, this is such a brave thing to do. Rest assured this is helping people, myself included. I needed this. Thank you ?

    Reply
  119. Mirna

    Wow! This is my first visit to this blog and the first post i read. Truly beautifukly written and as somebody who lost her mom at 11 by suicide I am thankful that you chose to write this. I could relate to nearly all of your words!

    Reply
  120. BJ MCDONALD

    Love you as always
    Feel your pain in a different way to loss my mom is my biggest fear and I’m thankful that you were brave enough to share

    Reply
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  122. Lauren

    This post is exactly what I needed to hear. I was laying in bed crying my eyes out because I can’t pay for my college tuition this semester and was feeling absolutely sick inside. This spoke to my heart and I’m going to keep trying to find a way to get my education. Thank you Lauryn, you’re an inspirational in every way. I wish you all the success in the world! (& Faye & Michael too!)

    Reply
  123. Sue

    Bravo! Thank you for your honesty and real-ness. This could not have been easy, and reveals how brave and insightful that you are.

    Reply
  124. Amanda DeLorenzo

    It’s hard for me to say I love you to someone I’ve never even met before but I can honestly say that I love you Lauryn! You are such a strong, driven, beautiful from what I can see and I’ve been following you for years (since before you Co created blog doo). Thank you for sharing part of your story, I know it’s exhausting and hard but I also know it just helped so many people. Including myself. Keep being you! Xoxo

    Reply
  125. Telle

    I admire you now more than ever, for sharing this story with the world. So sorry for your loss, your mom would have been so proud of who you became. Lots of hugs..

    Reply
  126. Steph

    Thank you so much for this- I feel like I was one of the people you were meant to write this for!! Currently dealing with a family member suffering from mental instability and this hit home on so many levels and gave me wonderful reminders. Have been a blog (and podcast!!) fan since the beginning. All my love xxoo

    Reply
  127. Amy Ehrich

    My son took his life 3 years ago at the age of 25. He left behind a beautiful family which included his wife and 1 month son. I follow your blog because, on the urging of my therapist, I needed to tend to some self care. You have helped me to do that in so many ways. I applaud you on sharing your story. The strength you have shown thru such a tragic event has helped my 53 year old self learn to come out of the ashes, take unapologetic care of myself, and learn to honor my son by living my best life. I live to tell his story. We can hide under the covers in bed, or we can come out and live in the light to honor our loved ones. Thanks for shining a light on mental illness and sharing your story!

    Reply
  128. Maggie

    You’re an incredibly strong human being. I appreciate you opening up about your mom (ps you look just like her). In this day and age it’s important to express to others that they’re not alone in whatever they’re going through. It’s incredibly brave of you to open up and I, along with all your other followers, are proud of you. Thank you!

    Reply
  129. Jordan

    Is it weird that I’ve always had a feeling this was the case? My dad killed himself when I was 18 & a senior in high school and it wrecked.my.world. My sisters were 16 & 12. This was beautifully written & incredibly relatable, I’ve also only ever described my dad as charismatic & the life of the party. One of the most devastating things was how he kept his pain so secretive because we only saw the best of him my entire upbringing. It’s so refreshing for you to admit you have to CHOOSE to put in the work after trauma. After 10+ years I know the work will never end and I have to make the decision every day that the past won’t dictate my future. Thank you for this.

    Reply
  130. Terry Stevens

    I have known your mom and dad since we were teenagers.. If there were ever a couple who belonged together your parents were it…I was very close to your mom’s family for the Colorado years, after Wendy and Cheryl graduated High School. I loved your grandparents, Diane and Jim, and was tried to be a big brother to David. You come from great stock, and it shows….I will always think about your mom, your aunt, uncle and you’re dad, who has been a success for over 30 years. You sound incredibly well adjusted…. And have the energy of your parents…I wish you much happiness and success.
    TS

    Reply
  131. Mari H.

    So so brave! I am proud be a reader of your blog. Everyone has a story. Not everyone has the courage to share it. My hat is off to you for exposing your vulnerability. You are amazing. You will save someone’s life.

    Reply
  132. Ruth

    Thank you for your courage to write about your mom. Your words hit home with me. my older brother killed himself when I was 14. I have 9 younger siblings so I’ve always felt the pressure to be there for them especially after his death… But I’ve also had to learn to take care of myself. I think of my brother every day. I’m grateful for you because you have allowed me and so many others to see that we’re not alone. Thank you ?? ?

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      Fuck I hit post too soon. I mean, like all the missing pieces . What a beautiful picture of the three of you. You look so young, yet the same, yet there is something behind those eyes. Very enchanting.

  133. Jasmin D

    This post is everything to me and in so many ways right now.

    Thank you for sharing your story and also for sharing a side of you that is so vulnerable. You are so successful and so beautiful inside and out, Lauren.

    I don’t go on social media anymore because of my struggles but this reminder is exactly what I needed to stay strong and be proud of who
    I am and just keep going..

    XX

    Reply
  134. Jenn

    You truly stand out in the blog space because of your commitment to growth. And while all of the career, beauty, and nutrition tips are great, this post helped me on such a deeper level. Thank you for opening up, regardless of the pain and anxiety, because you’ve just given me a major breakthrough in dealing with the past and using pain as a driving tool instead of a crutch. Thank you Lauryn.

    Reply
  135. Anja

    Dear Lauryn,
    thank you. I am on the other side of that situation, I deal with severe mental health problems since I was a small child (I have some kind of genetic issue that runs in the family, but no one before me ever talked about it). I was always told to be self reliant and not to burden other people, so I kept it all to myself. Until I couldn’t anymore, because a friend of mine finally caught on. I think, I wouldn’t be alive anymore if she hadn’t basically forced me to make myself vulnerale and talk about my problems. I’ve been in therapy for many years now and it still is extremely hard for my to share my burden, but it gets better every day. And now I took a step that really scared me (because of all the stigma around it where I live) and asked a psychiatrist for medical help as well. I started to take mood stabilizers just three days ago and I can’t believe how great life is, when you don’t have to feel every emotion on the planet within hours every day. I just wish I had been able to make myself vulnerable and talk about it all and ask for help sooner. So thank you for opening up the conversation and being brave enough to share your story, because it might make people like me more comfortable to talk about what we go through in our heads every day and not to deal with it alone until we can’t anymore.
    xx, Anja

    Reply
  136. Penny

    Lauryn, thank you.? I will reread this.. beacsuse it’s special, truthful and vulnerable. It’s what your readers needed.

    Reply
  137. Melissa Marovich

    I’ve only recently started following you, and I must say, you are so motivating on so many levels of life. Thank you so much for sharing. xoxo

    Reply
  138. Ronda Chowaiki

    Hi Lauryn,
    I went to high school with your aunt Cheryl & your mom, they were always the two beautiful sisters inside and out that everyone looked up to. I’m sure she is very proud of you today and the work you are doing!
    Love & Light
    Ronda Chowaiki

    Reply
  139. Amy

    THANK YOU! Sorry for your loss! Losing our Moms, in any capacity, is tough! You are such a powerful example for women. Thank you!!! Xoxo

    Reply
  140. Cassie Cunningham

    I don’t think you understand how much this post affected me. I’ve met you in person and you are a ray of sun. I listen to your podcast, follow your IG/blog, and I have just always seen someone who is confident, and seems like their life is so put together. I never met my father and my mother died from colon cancer when I was 14. I have ALWAYS led with my story. I played too much into the victim mentality because I always felt that’s how I would receive love, affection, and strength. I could have NEVER guessed that you went through something so tragic; you could have easily played into the “poor me” syndrome, used it in the hopes of seeking pity and attention from others. I’ve always done that and seeing this post made me realize, I do not have to be my story. What you’ve been through yes, makes you stronger, and makes you the person you are, but you work hard and prove yourself DESPITE that. I truly admire your dedication to creating a community that is focused on honesty and passion. Thank you for being so brave in writing this post. I know it may have been difficult, but it was absolutely necessary. You are making a difference. I am ready to move forward, letting my story be a part of who I am, but not define me. Thank you.

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  141. Kala

    Thank you so much for sharing and So sorry for your loss! Beautifully written and you added words to live by “stop living in the story. Create the life YOU DESERVE. Become hungry, unstoppable, & thrive. Pain doesn’t have to stop you, it can drive you. Don’t settle. You can change anything in your life if you have the right mindset, tools & framework. So go NOW & create an extraordinary life.” Thank You!!!

    Reply
  142. Meredith

    Lauryn,
    Thank you so much for shaking things up, for sharing a piece of your history that is so tender and close. I appreciate you. Thank you.

    Reply
  143. Sam

    Thank you SO much for sharing this post. I know it took incredible strength and vulnerability to do so. I have read this post multiple times now and it still resonates so much. I just finished reading Mark’s book as well and combined with this post, its such a great reminder to not let you past define your future. I have been a reader of your blog since 2013 and this is by far your BEST post. Thank you again for being so brave and for sharing with us all. <3 You are amazing!

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  144. S

    I found your blog almost 2 years ago, shortly after learning that my best friend had unexpectedly killed herself. I remember reading the post you wrote on death, and wondering if you too had been affected by suicide. I couldn’t explain why, but I just knew that you understood. Two days ago, I searched your blog to see if you had ever written another post about a death. I couldn’t find anything. And then I saw your Instagram post the other day, which led me here.

    I share all that because I want you to know that telling your story helps others, in ways you probably don’t even realize. Thank you for talking about a topic that most people are too scared to even say out loud. It baffles me how our society still places such a stigma on important topics like mental health and suicide, when the stigma is makes these issues even worse. My best friend’s suicide still haunts me every single day. It consumes my life. I can only assume that, like your mother, her pain was too great and she was too ashamed to even feel like she could seek help. The only way I have been able to move forward is to try to use the pain towards learning more about suicide and supporting research/prevention efforts. It is an uphill battle, but we have to keep fighting. Our loved ones deserved better.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like she was an amazing woman, and I know she would be extraordinarily proud of you. Thank you <3

    Reply
  145. Cassie

    This was so beautifully written and I had no idea. Thank you for sharing. You’re brave, fierce & so inspiring. I have so much admiration for you!!

    Reply
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  147. Lacey

    I’m so sorry you went through that Miss Lauren. She would be so proud of you. That was really beautifuly written. And yes be the change! Real and authentic is beautiful. You are beautiful.

    Reply
  148. Mallory

    Thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry about your loss, my mom tried to commit suicide a couple years ago and to this day not a day goes by I don’t think about it and hope it doesn’t happen again but the hardest part is not being able to talk about it because I don’t want people to think she’s crazy and knowing no one understands because they haven’t been in that situation so reading your story is inspiring in the fact that one day I hope I will be able to talk about it myself.

    Reply
  149. Chelsea

    Thank you for sharing! I’ve always loved how honest you are, but appreciate you even more after sharing something so deep, personal, and brutally honest. Hearts & prayers with you as you continue in your healing.

    Thank you, a loyal reader/listener,
    Chelsea

    Reply
  150. Tara Creel

    OH Lauryn, I am so glad you shared this, for your heart. To be honest with you, when I first started reading your blog I noticed you always mentioned your grams and MIL so I was curious about your mom. I did a search “Lauryn Evarts mom” thinking you had probably talked about in past blog posts and I would learn more about her and the impact she had on who you are today. Instead I was brought to an article about her passing and I realized this was something you either did not want to share, or you weren’t ready to share so of course I never made any mention of it. Not my place. Not my story.

    As I continued to read about the impact your grams had on you and hearing all that you have overcome, I craved a post like this. Which sounds RIDICULOUS as a READER, but when I follow a person I admire it’s comforting to hear all facets of their life – the good, the bad, and the ugly because all of those things build a successful woman into the woman that she is.

    You’ve offered up SO MUCH VALUE, but my favorite posts have been the ones that share more about YOU, YOUR STORY, and the IMPACT these things have made. So thank you for sharing something so vulnerable, but using it to offer value and help others. This is why you are the most impactful blogger in my eyes.

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  151. Tara Creel

    I can understand the perspective that inspired this comment. But I just have to add that everyone deals with trauma in different ways. It would not have made sense for her to share her trauma in the way you have discussed if it is not authentic to her and her experience. It sounds like this is something she is still working through, and probably will always work through, so it seems a bit unfair for someone to judge the way she grieves and shares. Unfair may be the improper term because you are entitled to your opinion and your perspective and I don’t fault you for it, but it seems counterproductive to tell someone how they should share their story.

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  154. A grateful reader

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I have been a regular reader for quite some time. While I love your posts on health, fashion, and various other tips, this is the shit that matters. You designed a website for me a few years ago and I quit pursing it because I didn’t feel that it was true to what I wanted from this world. Flash forward four years later, and I just started a blog on exploring honest (ie vulnerability) through adventure and creativity. I know that when I was going through the worst time in my life, I felt alone. This post embodies everything that is important for someone who is struggling. Bravo to you for walking through these painful memories to help make someone else stronger.

    Reply
  155. Tanna Barker

    I’m sorry, you are brave and strong for doing this for your readers and for yourself. You’ve broken down stigmas and open the door helping people realize they are not alone or weird. I have the unique perspective of having a suicidal mother and at one time being a suicidal mother. No bueno.

    Anyway, I do appreciate and enjoy all the girl-talk about how to be pretty, what products to use, and, frankly, I come to your page because I like you and think you’re cool and basically just want to be you. 🙂 At times it has felt shallow but I regret ever saying or feeling that. It’s cruel and unfair of me. You do have a lot of depth.

    Thank you for making yourself open and raw. Again, you’ve helped many, I’m sure of it.

    Reply
  156. Samantha

    As if I didn’t love this blog already. Thank you for sharing something so dear to your heart Lauryn ❤️

    Reply
  157. Devani

    I love seeing this side of you! This is what the world needs. I applaud you for using your platform and voice for good. More selfies with substance and realness. This is what women are craving. Sending you love as I’ve experienced a similar situation with my dad.

    Reply
  158. Rick

    I loved your mom, she was such a special friend. I can still hear her call my name in the funny way she used to. Love what you wrote and I am sure she is proud of you and your strength.

    Reply
  159. Carrie Veatch

    Lauren, thank you for being incredibly vulnerable and brave. I can’t even imagine how difficult this was to write and to step into old wounds. You are an incredibly strong woman. I 100% believe vulnerability and authenticity is what this world needs, not more pretty curated photos. So thank you for stepping into an incredibly challenging space and offering the safety and security for others to show up. I’m working hard to do the same this year. Keep on showing up as YOU. It is bright and inspiring to so many! Sending so much love.

    Reply
  160. Courtney

    She was beautiful. I miss her terribly. She would be so proud of you and your sister. I know she is always with you both, watching over you and driving you forward. Understanding when someone is hurting is hard to do but so important. Your bringing awareness to that issue is so difficult, I know, but so honorable.xoxo

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  161. Peggy

    Lauryn, your words resonated deeply with my heart and soul. As I read your words and see the same photos of you mom and Faye, tears stream down my face…mom is smiling down with great love of her brave amazing, daughter she loves…what I love is your authentic heart that designated deeply with my mine. I’ve been there too, yes beyond different, but as you say we all go through this dark messiness to reach our light. I’m blow away by the work you’ve done to arrive at this place and the way you expressed it, was unbelievably amazing. It touches me so deeply as I fight my own personal battles. Thank you from deep in my heart for sharing your story the deep sadness and triumph to rise up and out and to live your life, to be better and do better! It is having a great impact with us all! I for one am so grateful ? thank you my love! You’ve inspired me xox Aunti Peggy?

    Reply
  162. Bettina

    Oh my gosh!!! This post was amazing, thank you for sharing this. I’ve been following you along for some time now and love everything you promote, also the fact that we’re both from San Diego makes coming to your blog even better 🙂 I can’t say I can relate to this post 100% but as a wife to a military veteran who suffers from PTSD and other mental health issues from war, this is such a scary topic because like you mentioned no one would have guessed your loved one is going through this dark secret when they act like everything is fine on the outside, so the fact the you even decided to share this about your mother brought me to tears. As a mom of 3 there have been times I have questioned being alive because of how difficult life is at times. But I am constantly motivated by my children’s love for me. I constantly remind myself it could be a lot worse and to always have constant communication with God. Thank you for this.

    Reply
  163. LesLeigh J.

    Lauryn, thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, have been hoping for more depth and realness in the social media and blogging worlds. I get tired of seeing everyone’s perfect flat lays and overly-produced photos. I totally respect doing things with quality and excellence, but at the end of the day, it’s nice to know that other people lead real lives too, with real happiness, sadness, and everything else that comes with the human experience. I also appreciate you sharing this because mental health is SO important. Bless you and your family <3

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  164. Jill

    I’ve been following along for some time now, love your blog and book, always get such awesome information and tips from you! This post though for me right now is life. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this, I know others who have too. For me, I lost my husband to cancer two years ago, (was metastatic melanoma, keep talking about sun protection and prevention!!). I recently just lost my mother too, which has been hard.. I’m a bit older than you and have two kids I’m caring for as well, but what you said about dealing with trauma after the fact is so accurate, and I needed this reminder tonight!

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  165. Taylor

    Tears <3 this is so beautiful and you are such a warrior and testament to the fact that our past DOES NOT define our future! You're courage will inspire thousands to live in freedom, despite any struggle or trauma. Love you girl!!

    Reply
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  167. Andrea

    This will help so many people to see that people with the most challenging pasts have immense gifts to offer the world. They are our stripes and by sharing, we give others faith. Good on you! Thanks.

    Reply
  168. Jess

    Thank you for writing this post. I lost my dad at 23 but I’ve tried to live my life in a way that my dad would be proud of. It never gets easier, you never stop missing them. It’s always comforting to connect with people who have lost a parent at a young age.

    Reply
  169. Christie

    Lauryn, wow. I had no idea you went through this – I am so deeply sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. What a beautiful woman your mother was and from your story, I can see so many of her wonderful traits in you and when you speak on your podcast. You are so incredibly strong to share about this personal hardship. That is one of my favourite things about you. Your transparency to open up, share and help others through trauma. Your honesty is such a virtue in this community and it’s so damn inspiring. You’ve become my all-time favourite blogger and thank you for being you.

    Reply
  170. Mallie

    You have no idea how much this means to me, an average person, who has always followed your Instagram and thought of you as the epitome of beauty and perfection. Obviously I admire your ability to create such beautiful work and the life of happiness you’ve created for yourself. But seeing you, or really anyone who looks like they have it so together on social media, makes me forgive myself a little bit for my imperfections, or mistakes, or traumas of the past. Thank you for sharing this extremely difficult story and inspiring me to make it a goal to become more vulnerable. You’re awesome.

    Reply
  171. Victoria Collins

    Thank you so much for this post! My nieces and sister-in-law died in 2008 (suicide/homicide). It ripped our family and marriage apart. Even though I look pretty perfect to everyone else, the story is a bit different from then to now. This is a great inspiration to finish my book which is meant to help teens, men and women deal with emotions. Thanks again!

    Reply
  172. Gemma

    I’m a little late to this post but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. Thank you very much for sharing your experience – it is so refreshing to read such an honest, vulnerable post from someone so influential. My mum attempted suicide when I was 26. Fortunately she survived and I will be forever grateful for that, however the days, weeks and months following were the darkest of my life. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through. Thanks again for sharing and for promoting strength in the face of adversity. x

    Reply
  173. Danielle Loose

    This is one of the best posts I have ever read from ANY blogger, magazine article, etc. Thank you so much for sharing and opening yourself up, and most importantly, setting example for other influencers. xoxoxo

    Reply
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  175. Rebecca

    Reading this made my gut churn multiple times over, and I can imagine it was incredibly hard for you to share this story. I respect you so much for having the strength to put this story out there for thousands of people to read. I am so inspired to hear your story of going through this struggle and coming out the other side stronger than ever and building an empire of success like you have! I’m sure your mom would have been very proud.

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  176. Carito

    Thank you! Its really helpful, it’s a illness of the silence ; and sometimes .. can be too late . You are a strong woman now and your mom will be proud of these blog today . Social media can be a good a certain way to communicate to the right audience. I’m a mom of 2 I passed 2 long postpartum depression and it’s hard sufre and try to explain something , that you don’t really know … you can see smiles in IG and lonely people inside No filters , no likes. Thank you girl . Really appreciate that you are real !!!

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  177. Suzanne Drace

    Thank you for sharing Lauryn…so vulnerable and beautiful. My brother committed suicide when I was 17and he was 27. He’s the oldest, I’m the youngest of 4. I came home from a weekend long soccer tournament to find my parents waiting on the couch to tell me the news as my other sibling were away at college. A day you do not forget…thank you again for sharing…❤️

    Reply
  178. Vanessa

    Wow so powerful. Suicide is devestating. I have never lost a family member to suicide but working in mental health I unfortunately knew patients that would take their lives more times than one would wish. Mental illness is hard and what the person is struggling with internally sometimes wins. Thank you for sharing, I know this is thought to share.

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