The Bitch Bible Gets Married (And Goes Psycho Like Me!)

Two years ago I was combing through the Internet & stumbled upon Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible which provoked me to actually wake Michael from his slumber & tell him that this girl I randomly found was going to be a superstar comedian.

“Michael?” I ask, but really it’s an order, “you need to read this girl’s blog. She wrote Leo a suicide letter because he’s decided to marry Gisele Bündchen.”

::Michael stares at me like I’m psycho ( which I am )::

“Please just read it.”

::He reads::

::He laughs::

::Laughs again::

::Chuckles, grunts, points, grins::

Etc. You get it.

So ya, I guess the truth of the matter is I “met” Jackie by stalking her.

Wait, if you don’t know who Jackie is- do yourself a favor & subscribe to her podcast. It will really take you over the edge. You will pee your pants, cry laughing. She’s a hoot. Wanna stalk her even more? Please do. Read her blog.

( If you’re wondering: the Leo letter is signed with: “Worst of luck to both of you. My heart will not go on. You fucking let go Jack.” Sincerely, Jackie ).

Yes that is right, she’s pure comedy. She’s also very witty AND pretty. Oh, & also COOL. I like her a lot.

Anyway, Michael & I were guests on her podcast this week & we did a little ( LIGHT? CASUAL? TRADITIONAL? ) wedding recap. You know, what brides do. She recapped her recent wedding…& then we went into our psychotic wedding freak-out stories.

( You remember mine, right? SAVAGENESS. )

Michael was a part of the convo too & I feel like he was a bit…skittish? Oh well- sucks for him. I’ve been on her podcast too once before. So be sure to listen to both.

Now with that I’ll intro you to Jackie- get ready because she gets straight to the point.

+ Introduce yourself, tell us everything.

Hi! I’m Jackie Schimmel. Dog mother, perpetually constipated, dirty martini connoisseur, embellishment lover, and amateur “writer” & podcast host.

+ You’re a podcast queen; it’s a shitload harder than it looks. Tell us what goes into it.

It’s a lot of fucking work.

One of my biggest struggles initially was trying to figure out how to speak my mind without alienating large groups of people. Everyone & their gay brother has a podcast these days so it’s important to be unique and provide something different. I try to be mindful of who is listening, why they are listening and what will keep people listening. I try not to over think it and just say whatever the hell I want and hope I don’t get into trouble with my Human Resources department…or Legal.

+ Tell us about your blog— the content is hysterical.

I have always been a very overly opinionated person & started the blog to purge myself of really ridiculous feelings in essay form about Gwyneth Paltrow & kitten heels. It definitely represents the popular yet unpopular opinion. It’s incredibly aggressive and offensive but so authentic and funny ( complimenting myself #unlikeable ).

I am someone who has disproportionately intense reactions to insignificant things & the blog gave me the perfect portal to unleash my bitchy beast. I pride myself on saying what other people are thinking but have enough dignity not to say out loud or publish on the internet.

+ I call Michael Susan when he’s acting up, coincidentally you call your husband ( Andrew ), Angela. How did he earn his name?

Angela is very particular. She pretends to know a lot about wine, gets photo facials, Keratin treatments, & is just generally worried about EVERYTHING. Angela has major anxiety issues and I just CAN’T WITH HER. Literally picking out a suit with him is like Sophie’s Choice.

I am obsessed with him and he is so cute I want to kill him but Angela needs to RELAX. I know that Angela is primarily my wrongdoing and I take accountability for that.

+ I know you talk about your wedding on the latest podcast but give us a sneak peak?

We got married this May in Palm Springs. We wanted somewhere close enough to make a quick trip but far enough to alienate distant relatives ( sorry ). We wanted it to feel like a vacation for our guests, like a bougie summer camp and Palm Springs is the perfect spot. I was super adamant about making it as fabulous and not overly bridey. I would have curb stomped somebody if I saw an inch of burlap or a mason jar. Our vibe was all white, acrylic, & flamboyant without anything frilly.

Like Liberace and Kanye West threw a party.

+ Clearly you’re amazing at comedy, any tips for someone who wants to break into the comedy, podcast, blogger industry?

My best advice is to not filter yourself and never be too insular. Sharing private details helps people get to know you which is important, but you never want to bore people with the daily woes of your life. That’s too self-indulgent; people have diaries for a reason.

It’s like telling a table full of people about the dream you had the night before. No one gives a shit unless it relates to them personally. It’s so important to remember that if you want to make a business from comedy, ultimately you are providing entertainment and content not self-relief. Also remember that you are your best material. I think in order to make fun of anyone or anything you HAVE to make fun of yourself more, otherwise you seem bitter and hypocritical.

+ Couldn’t agree with you more. You look amazing. PLEASE TELL US YOUR SECRETS.

That’s very nice & very generous. I have spent years setting the bar low so that I can get a real reaction when I put slightly more effort into my appearance. I try to eat what I love, drink what I love ( moderately ), dress in clothes I love, surround myself with people who I love and I feel like that self-indulgence translates.

It’s so important to live moderately & find that balance of deprivation and going off the walls. I cook dinner Sun-Thurs so I can eat what I want and make small alterations so I don’t gain 450 lbs but still get my pasta because gluten feeds my soul.

And laugh…a lot, it’s so much cuter than crying. Happy people look better. It’s the truth.

+ You’re sent to a far off island, who are you bringing? Andrew ( husband ) or Leo ( dog/BF )?

Leo. No hesitation.

If he could afford me I’d voluntarily live on an island alone with him. I am obsessed with him. It takes all my self-control not to actually suffocate him because normal loving affection just isn’t enough, I want to be one flesh. It’s like platonic beastiality but not because he is basically a human.

He is so sexy it hurts my insides. Obsessed.

+ Best beauty tip…ever?

I will be honest, I am no beauty guru. Lipgloss & mascara go a LONG way let me tell you. It sounds cliché but I truly believe less is more. I am so over the transforming make up trends, it’s too much work and such a bad export of time and energy. I think it’s more important to work on your canvas than the artwork so I NEVER fall asleep with makeup on and use tons of moisturizer.

Before you learn to bake your face ( what the hell IS that? ) learn how to stick to a great skin regimen. You don’t have to spend a fortune on products ( except eye cream ) just be vigilant with your routine. I would fall asleep in full body Spanx before falling asleep with one hint of makeup on. I also LIVE for rosewater you can spray pre or post makeup. It tones, hydrates and women in my family SWEAR by it.

( P.S. one of Jackie’s best kept skin secrets is a FACIAL STEAMER! ).

+ Best piece of advice you’ve ever received ( go crazy here ):

I am very selective with advice and only take it from a very selective group of people. I always say to be self-aware, listen to yourself ( because no one knows you/ wants better for you ) OR people who really know what they are talking about. I wouldn’t ask Helen Keller for outfit advice or MC Hammer to do my finances.

We need to pick and choose who we solicit for guidance & typically I would rather learn from people who have their shit together. I also think it is SO important for people to learn how to be alone. My source of sanity is solitude. If you don’t want to hang out with yourself why would anyone else? My best advice is to get to know yourself. Not in a dumb Eat, Pray, Love way but in a very honest way. Go to lunch alone, travel alone, shop alone. Also never wear a casual shoulder bag with a cocktail dress, you look like a pre-teen attending her first Bat Mitzvah.

Agreed, Jackie. See? Told ya, superstar comedian.

+ to keep up with Jackie, follow her: Instagram, Twitter, & podcast. She also has BITCH TEES. AND OF COURSE, listen the latest episode of The Bitch Bible where we get real about wedding breakdowns. She was also on TSC Podcast twice. Happy listening! x

BITCH BIBLE INSPIRED? YES PLZ: