how to deal with jealousy | by the skinny confidential

Jealousy: A Waste Of ENERGY.

Updated: October 5, 2016
by
LAURYN

how to deal with jealousy | by the skinny confidential

Hi from Paris guys!

Currently writing to you eating finger sandwiches with a double espresso. Why double? Because I decided to actually step away from my e-mail box for a few days which means full-on disaster…so yah, I’m paying for that today.

Anyway I want to discuss something kind of different today: JEALOUSY.

SPECIFICALLY, relationship jealousy.

The idea came while recording our most recent podcast.

( The episode isn’t out yet, but it will be out next Tuesday ).

Michael & I talked a lot about the subject so I wanted to share a more extensive version of my thoughts here…

I do not give jealousy any energy.

NONE. ZIP. ZERO.

I learned in high school that giving jealousy, specifically in relationships, a second of my energy was a wasted emotion. Actually I can remember when I had this epiphany. My ex-boyfriend in high school was caught red-handed making out with some other girl. Immediately the first reaction was gutwrenching jealousy. We’ve all been there, you know? For weeks I was painfully jealous. Like to the point where it was out of control. I was tormenting myself.

And here’s what happened: NOTHING. NOTHING HAPPENED BY BEING JEALOUS.

…In fact, I guess something did happen. & it was all negative. My grades dropped, my weight dropped ( way too low ), my skin was drier, my personality was MEH, & even my work ( I worked at a local boutique ) was compromised.

You know why?

Because 90% of my energy was put towards jealousy.

Think of it as having a thermometer of energy. You can’t put energy towards grades, health, wellness, happiness, & work ethic if you’re miserable.

& jealousy is fucking miserable.

Three weeks into my jealous rampage I realized what the hell going on.

After the realization I snapped out of it.

Since that day, I actively try to not give any energy towards jealousy.

Here’s the thing: if Michael wants to go flirt, cheat, whatever then so be it. Why would I want to be with someone who does that anyway? No thanks.

I can tell you one thing: men & women pick up on jealous energy. & when you put that kind of energy out there…….it manifests…& many times what you manifest comes true.

Months after Michael & I started dating he said how refreshing it was to have someone who wasn’t surveying his every move.

The reason being was easy: I was focused on my own goals, ambitions, work, health, friends, family. You can’t control someone else, so why even try? Let it go.

( By the way, I’m not saying I’m perfect in this situation. It’s just something I actively work on ).

Since I’m sitting with Michael, he can chime in for a second:

Michael’s take on jealousy:

Jealousy is a completely wasted emotion. It doesn’t help you. It doesn’t help your relationship. It’s not going to stop anything; as a matter of fact it will probably only make something happen. Men are like children in some respects. When we were kids and our parents or teachers told us not to do something, it only made us want to do it more. The best thing you can do in a relationship is give the other person freedom. This is for two reasons: first, if someone wants to step out on you they are going to step out and there is nothing you can do. Better to find out early and be done. Second, men are attracted to confidence ( at least men worth being with ) & there is nothing more attractive than a confident woman who is confident in the relationship. It’s no fun being in a relationship and listening to insecurities. BIG turn off. With Lauryn, she is not the jealous type. I have never been tempted to step out or cheat. A lot of that has to do with me and integrity…but a big part is her attitude. She doesn’t care if I go out with friends, she’s not looking through my phone or e-mails. She just trusts me and in turn, that makes me trust her. She’s too busy to be wasting time on worry & jealousy. I like that.

Ok, me Lauryn again.

If you’re in a relationship where your boyfriend is jealous, tell him to cut the shit. If he doesn’t cut the shit, break up for a minute. Maybe he needs to realize how the emotion is destructive.

If you’re jealous, ask yourself WHY? Examine the emotion. Write down the reasons. If you have a REASON TO BE JEALOUS, then why are you with a partner who is shady? Sit with the emotion & really feel the reasons you’re feeling jealous.

Another tip is to read books on jealousy. Understand it. When you understand something you have knowledge. And as we all know, knowledge is power.

Talk about it with a family member, get it out there in the ether so you can nip that shit in the bud. Because truthfully, jealousy is not only hurting your partner, it’s hurting YOU & your life. It’s a road block. If you think it’s not effecting other areas of your life, you’re wrong. I can say I truly believe it holds us back from our full potential.

Push jealousy aside, so you can put your energy towards FLOURISHING!

OK that’s all, if you guys want I’ll do a post on jealousy in friendships, on social media, & around the workspace too? Thoughts?

Be sure to tune in to Tuesday’s podcast because we’re exploring the whole jealousy thing further. You don’t want to miss this episode! Subscribe here.

Thank you for following along on Snapchat, it’s so fun to bring you guys to France! x, lauryn

+ constantly updating the ASK LAURYN section, if you guys have immediate questions! 

{ PC }

OH, ALSO:
 
  • I love this article! I created something similar to it for my blog, that will be coming soon, about business jealousy. Always wondering and worrying about what your competitors are doing. I spent a short amount of time recently worrying about every move (almost like being jealous of) one of my business competitors, and like you said it’s a wasted emotion. All it did was delay me from focusing on my own business. Relationship, or business, this is great advice. I love it!
    Cori
    http://Www.Mildlymoody.Wordpress.Com

    • I can’t wait to check it out Cori! Such an important topic to discuss. xx

  • I love this post!! I’ve been in a similar situation & it’s scary how easily you can lose yourself to jealousy. I would love a post on jealousy in social media – I think it’s something so many of us struggle with! x

    • I’m so happy you enjoyed this post Angela! More will be on the way : ) xx

  • Simu

    Jealousy is a wasted emotion indeed! It took me a few long and hard mistakes to come to this, but if anything else it does make some pretty good motivation.

    • It’s a real eye-opener and one of the greatest realizations! xx

  • If I could have told this to my younger self it would have got me through my teenage years a lot easier! Thankfully now I’m older I don’t care for it much at all. But a truly great post, and great to see your partners perspective too.

    Kelsey x
    http://www.kelsey-rose.com

    • LOL same! Thanks for reading Kelsey <3 xx

  • Great article, we all need to put more effort into positive thinking.

    xx. The Coastal Confidence
    http://the-coastalconfidence.com/

    • It’s such an important mindset. Thanks so much for reading Aubrey! xx

  • LOVE THIS POST!!!!! I wish I could have read this 6 years ago to my younger self. I was in a relationship where I wasn’t jealous and totally let my partner be himself, encouraged guys night out, etc. But what I didn’t see from him was RESPECT and should have walked away sooner. Letting go of someone is HARD but LOVE yourself more (not the way Kayne West loves himself, but pretty close, hehe) and you will be happy and jealousy will not have a role in your life.

    • LOVE that! Respect is SO important. Thanks for sharing Tiffany! xx

  • Really loved this. Because in my life this part has definitely come true: I used to be crazy jealous and I kept getting cheated on (LOL) but now that I let it go I am super happy. I think all of Michaels points are also so true. Examining WHY is the key.

    You guys are da best.

    I can tell you one thing: men & women pick up on jealous energy. & when you put that kind of energy out there…….it manifests…& many times what you manifest comes true.

    xo
    Krista
    http://www.hundredblog.com

    • The why is CRUCIAL! So happy you enjoyed this post Krista!! Thanks for reading <3 xx

  • Awesome post you two! Love having both of your voices here. As someone in a new relationship, this topic is one I’m thinking of a lot. We are both divorced and so of course we both have intense romantic histories…I didn’t think I was jealous until one day we looked at my guy’s Instagram (together). He hasn’t posted since his last relationship – over a year ago. I was instantly jealous of the smiling, happy-looking pics. Took me a while to figure out I wasn’t jealous of the women, but more the fact that I was seeing my guy unguarded and so happy. I realized that I had no issue with his past, per se, but I became aware of how guarded he still is with me. The jealousy went away and I was left with another emotion: sadness. I’m still trying to figure out what this means for me/us. Letting go of the jealousy let me think clearly and hopefully I’ll be able to express my thoughts clearly when I choose to talk with him about it.

    Love the relationship talk from you both. Keep it coming!

    XO and enjoy Paris,

    Catherine

    • It sounds like you’re off to an amazing start in figuring it out Catherine! I wish you the best <3 xx

  • I would love to see a post about jealously in general…maybe one about friendships, work, and material things? I’m a college student and it is so easy to compare myself to students who come from more privileged backgrounds. What do you think about this? Should I just get over myself? Did you experience this in school or while living in LA?

    • I think no matter what is it – relationships, work, friends, etc. it comes down to the why. Why is this (person, post, etc) causing you to feel that way? And from there you have to do the work to figure it out. Jealousy isn’t going to get you anywhere. Instead, focus on working hard, being your best self and don’t waste energy worrying about the others. xx

  • Your posts always seem to align with what is going on in my life. Jealousy really is a wasted emotion, and if your partner acknowledges someone awesome it doesn’t mean you are any less awesome. Thank you Lauren!

    • I love that Madison! If they’re going to spend their time on someone else you don’t need that. xx

  • Zoe

    Uh this is so true and such a hard pill to swallow when you have personally gone through it in past relationships. Totally agree that a guy is way more likely to react against any sign of it, and 100% believe that with the right guy jealousy is an ugly monster that should never even be tempted to rear its ugly head! xx

    • It doesn’t do anyone any good! Tough but necessary lesson. Thanks for reading Zoe <3 xx

  • Kat

    Definitely a wasted emotion. I feel it’s a common emotion that’s stolen too much of people’s time and arguably grown with the presence of social media. People post/see only the good so when life happens, people can be taken by jealousy because they don’t have the wife/husband/car/house/kids/job that they see their friends on social media have. I’m glad you’ve broached the subject because I think it’s an important one.

    • Thank you so much Kat. I completely agree. The social media facade is real! xx

  • I am a huge fan of this post! I completely agree, jealousy is a wasted emotion. I traditionally try and stave off negative emotions regardless (though sometimes it can feel really good and freeing to be angry), but jealousy is one especially that I just don’t need in my life! Thanks for sharing!

    • You get it Jessie! Another reader just shared this “that anger is like a burning rock – you hold it hoping to give it to your enemy but it only burns your hands.” and it works perfectly with jealously. Thanks for all of the support <3 xx

  • Eloise Lecat

    Absolutely loved this post and would love to see more on this about jealousy on friends and social media. Would be very helpful and informational for a lot of people! xx

    • There is so much to discuss with the social media facade and friends! Stay tuned Eloise and thanks for the support : ) xx

  • This reminds me of a saying (not sure by who) that anger is like a burning rock – you hold it hoping to give it to your enemy but it only burns your hands. Jealousy is equally pointless.

    • I LOVE that Aodhan!! Thanks for sharing! It reminds me of my favorite quote about worrying. Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere. xx

  • Jealousy can ruin relationship so easily and so fast! I can’t say I’ve never been jealous, but when you’re in a grown up relationship you talk through your insecurities and work things out together as a couple. Nothing is less attractive than a jealous partner, it’s toxic and emotionally destructive. If you can trust someone just don’t be with them!

    XoXo,

    Tamara – LoveofMode.com

    • Exactly Tamara! It’s so emotionally destructive and has no benefit to your wellbeing. xx

  • I loved this post and could not agree more on the subject. Jealousy is such a monster for a reason and the only person it hurts is yourself. I’ve absolutely have been there, but like you, I weierdly had a similar epiphany. Would LOVE a post on managing jealously vs social media, as this is something I’ve dealt with unfortunately on both ends. Thanks for always keeping it real! St. Tropez looked SO dreamy! x Shannon

    • It was such a blast Shannon. I recommend you take a trip there at some point! Stay tuned for a social media post. : ) xx

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  • Pita

    Hi! Love your article (and LOVE your site of course ;-))…but still I can’t help myself and often check my boyfriend telephone, ipad ect…and I’m having problems with his past relationships since he doesn’t like to speak about his past. He has no idea what I’m doing. I found in his phone stories (friends with benefits) he hasn’t shared with me. Ok, I know he has a past, like I have it…but still I’m obsessed with checking it and them I become nervous and he has no idea why… I just can’t control myself and this are the things I was doing in all my previous relationships. Can anyone help me how to deal this problem? xxx Pita

    • Thanks for reading Pita! If you’re feeling jealous and that is causing you to sneakily check all of his media then I think you need to examine yourself. Why are you feeling this way? Is there a reason to be jealous? Has he been unfaithful? Have you been cheated on before? Whatever the reasoning you need to get to the bottom of the why. If you want to know more about his past then ask him. Start a conversation. Don’t let it fester as jealousy which will be a self-fulfilling prophecy that will end up ruining your relationship. xx

  • Jealousy is something I will never understand. But even more so than that, is trying to understand the women who are PROUD of being jealous. As if being jealous makes them a more passionate person. No, ladies, that’s called insecurity.

    • YES!!! Exactly Tara. xx

  • Kalanai

    love love love this! I haven’t been in a serious relationship for awhile but the last one lasted a couple years and I remember being crazy jealous at times in our relationship. It only brought myself down and the relationship in the wrong direction. Now that I’ve had years to think back on it, like you said, its a waste of time and energy. I LOVE when you said if your partner is giving you a reason to be jealous or shady why are you with them? Perfect
    – Thanks for the post!

  • Danielle J.

    Love the post! I love your idea about a post on jealousy in social media. We, as women, are extra hard on ourselves because we’re jealous of others and their doctored insta. ❤️ Keep being awesome!

  • This post is INCREDIBLE. So many young women, actually, ALL young women need to hear this SO bad you have no idea… I would love to read more on your take on jealousy in other aspects especially social media, celebs… etc!

    But really, this post is great <3 thank you for it.

  • Sala

    Interesting. I think my question to both you and Michael is: do you believe once a person has given you a reason to be jealous because of shady behavior, can they be trusted again? Can men change? also, being online and connecting with so many people, have you ever worried about girls lurking around Michael haha and how do you handle that. Ah so many thoughts haha sorry ☺️❤️ Maybe can be voiced for a future podcast.

  • What a great article! I feel really uplifted now :)
    I don’t normally struggle too much with jealousy but sometimes it’s there, and I HATE it! Loving the positive attitude!
    Emily xx

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  • I’ve wasted too many years being jealous and/or chasing the dream that someone elses life is better than mine, then work my ass off to change it. I’m mature enough now to just enjoy being me and let go off all the negativity.